Excalibur and I

A Story by TheMudKnight

A comical take on the legendary sword: Excalibur.

The sword’s steel components were clearly the heaviest part of my entire outfit. I was exhausted, hungry, and hadn’t been able to get a bath anywhere. In all honesty, I just wanted to collapse into the red sand. Its smooth-looking texture inviting me to doze off for the rest of my life. But at this point it was too late to give up. I’d gotten halfway through the desert and to give up now would have been a waste of everyone’s time.

“Don’t drop me boy.”

“I wasn’t going to. I’m just tired.”

“I know. It’s why I’m telling you not to drop me. And don’t drop yourself either. I’m not about to let some kid leave me in the middle of the desert to rust.”

“I told you I’m not a kid. I’m 17. Leave me alone.”

“And I’m 532 years old. You’re a kid to me. Besides, I literally can’t leave you alone. You’re carrying me remember?”

I didn’t feel like responding. I just placed my cowl over my head to deflect some heat and raised it over my mouth to protect against the sand. It’d been days since I’d had food and months since I’d found this sword. And some sword it was. Excalibur. That’s right, I had the sword of legend. What it was a legend of, I don’t know. I’m prone to calling it the Legendary Sword of Bitching, because that’s all it does with me. It’s able to tell what I’m thinking, so it knows that I just thought.

“And you’re the Legendary Wielder of Being a P***y.”

“That was a horrible insult. Might as well just call me a p***y.”

“I don’t have to state out the obvious. It’s why I called you a wielder. It isn’t obvious, since you look like some sort of scrawny rogue.”

“One more word and I’ll sheathe you.”

And that got him to shut up, luckily. I look up from the sand and tried to make out what was in front of me. Water. Or so I thought. I knew it was just a mirage. I’d been seeing those since I stepped onto the desert. Other than that it was just more sand. Excalibur wasn’t vibrating so I was going in the right direction. Meaning that if I kept going in this direction, I’ll either die because of this stupid sword, or I’ll get to the city of Dewl. It wasn’t an important city, and it wasn’t on the maps either. But a select few people know of a merchant that lives there. A merchant that specializes on the special. Runes, artifacts, trinkets, and the like. The sword wanted me to go there to receive some training or something. Learn to wield me, save the world, blah blah blah.

You’d think someone would get excited over the possibility to save the world. The one being responsible for the continuation of humanity. Well not me. I was living just fine until I found this sword and decided to pull it out of its rocky prison. Like a literal rock it was wedged into. Once I freed it, it wouldn’t stop talking about how I should’ve been there earlier and how it’d been waiting too long and how it was too cold and how it needed to be maintained. It drove me insane. After a while of having it and tending to its needs, it begun to talk about a quest. And after all the whining it’d done, I didn’t want anything else to do with the damn sword. So I tried to throw it away. I left it in the trash and watched it get thrown into the garbage truck along with all the discarded tissues and food. The next day I woke up and it was in my hand. I knew I was stuck with it.

“Up ahead”

“Didn’t I tell you I’d sheathe you if I heard you say one more word?”

“Up ahead” This time more frustrated. I gazed forward and saw two hooded figures approaching me. And they didn’t look friendly either. I held Excalibur with both hands and got into a defensive stance. The hooded figure on the left slithered forward and I saw a dagger. I raised Excalibur up to block, and the dagger started moving downwards. Presumably to stab my stomach. I spun Excalibur by the hilt and cut off the figure’s hand. A scream of excruciating pain rang through the empty desert. While the figure squirmed on the ground while grasping its new stub with its remaining hand, the other figure had moved behind me. I slashed in their direction, but they moved back to dodge. They didn’t move. They just stayed there. The fool. From about 15 feet away, their cowl begun to shred and then their stomach was exposed and cut. And in the blink of an eye, the top of their body was separated from the bottom. Excalibur’s ability to send a cutting wave of air was a good asset to have on this unnecessary journey. I placed Excalibur in one hand and kept walking. I didn’t care for the lives of those who attacked me with intent to kill. Because in this desert, it’s kill or be killed.

“Bet you thought you sounded cool there didn’t you?”

“Man, just let me be.”