Literary Self-Portrait - Written 10/19/07

An essay I wrote many years ago. Not intended to be a interpreted as a reflection of my current perspective.

There are many things that make up who I am, and none of which are bound to create a random grocery list of information that pertain to nothing with purpose. I am far more abysmal in my characteristics than I could describe in my most eloquent words. I am practically an encyclopedia, which I dare not attempt to indite. If I had to compose a quantity of words, to the best of my ability, that gave extended descriptions about who I am in intent for somebody else to be familiar with me, then this would be my endeavor to promote that intention.

First of all, my name is Robert Lee Madden III, but everybody calls me Bobby. I am the epitome of unique and a walking contradiction. I am a rather taciturn individual when in public, but if I should learn to feel at ease when I am around other people, I have no doubt that they would soon discover the best in who I am. I am still coming out of my shell, meaning I am still in the process of becoming the person I was always meant to become. I learn more and more about life, as well as myself, almost every day, and with each incoming of such concepts which I learn, I will question and reflect upon them until I understand them in a way that breeds no confusion. I believe in fate, not in a sense that every single second of my life is inevitable and inescapable, but in a belief that every occurrence in my life happens for a reason, with every reason being beneficial to my life, contributing to the better me and taking steps towards a healthier future. 

I am very sensitive, both emotionally and physically. I am also very compassionate and understanding. If anyone ever needed somebody to talk to or somebody to trust, I can promise that I will always be there for him or her. I have long dyed black hair and I love to wear black band t-shirts (or basically anything I like from Hot Topic), but that is not to say I label myself to a stereotype  (emo, gothic, etc.) Labeling yourself discourages and deprives you from being an independent individual and being "yourself." Why would somebody want to do such a thing? Do they because they have no courage nor self-respect, but desperation to be accepted (or at least a crazy fear that they can't be) and empty shells for minds? People like that turn simple conflicts into exaggerated problems when all they have to do is step outside of themselves and look inwards. That is where the solution always lies. People should learn to accept themselves as they are and stop trying to create a clone of other people out of themselves. At least people would be aware of their existence. 

I would say that I get rather self-conscious about my appearance when I'm around other people, especially if I have messy hair or visible acne. I realize that it's an issue I must learn to overcome, and I hope to overcome it, but I do not mean for people to think me abnormal for it. When I feel outgoing, I like to be random about things, make weird noises, and act amusingly odd. I find most things humorous, fascinating, and beautiful that most people would not, and I appreciate many things that most people could not if they even tried. I am shameless when it comes to what I believe in and enjoy. I choose to learn from the mistakes, keep the memories in my heart, and leave everything else behind. Responsibility is everything to me. Friends are everything to me as well, and loyalty is more sufficient than anything when it comes to them. I can be very lazy, but only with things I do not wish to do. I have a very friendly personality and I always have good intentions. I enjoy playing video games, watching TV, and being with friends, but also doing constructive activities such as reading books, writing poetry, and drawing pictures. There are not many things I can say that I dislike besides doing homework. I try to work out as much as I can (mostly stretching, push-ups, and sit-ups) and be smart about my food choices. My hobbies make me happy, my family makes me happy, but there are two things in my life that make me the happiest: music and my girlfriend. 

I listen to music all the time. I favor many different types of rock and metal, and I dislike rap, country, and pop. Rap is the most tasteless type of music in the world to me. It shouldn't even be classified as music, in my opinion. It always consists of the same traits: an annoying beat that stays the same throughout the whole song, a rapper who talks (not sings), and in the videos, the rapper is always shown wearing way too much jewelry and doing something with money (preferably tossing it in the air), countless women are dancing around the rapper, and cars will be featured here and there. It's ordinary and it's meaningless. Not only that, but rap is probably the main contribution of bad influences towards youth in today's generation. Rappers always talk about making money, having sex with women, dealing drugs, shooting people, and other negative things. Where is the positive influence in that? More children today are losing their will power and intelligence to rap music tan anything else. I can't stand supporting this genre of noise, as opposed to "music." Music is a work of art and a creation from the heart. It takes talent to create good music. All true music artists share one purpose: to make their very own personal statements through passion of music in the most meaningful and honest ways possible, regardless of ability and how fans appreciate it. Country and pop fall with these traits, along with many other genres, but they are not appealing to my ears.

I prefer rock and metal because they are original in sound and are created from original instruments (guitar, bass, and drums). My music taste can range from soft and melodic to heavy and fast. It all depends on the artist. My favorite bands are DragonForce and As I Lay Dying. Both of these bands are heavy and fast, but have their share of melodic sounds as well. I also like them because not many other people far familiar with them. This ties more into my dislike for pop. Popular music tends to be liked for only the singles (example: TRL) and/or because the artists look attractive. My reasons for liking artists tie into more significant things such as analyzing the messages they try to express through music, respecting who they are as people, and choosing to favor every song hey write, not just singles. If somebody truly likes an artist, they can't pick and choose what songs they like and dislike. They shouldn't listen to a CD and skim through any songs they don't like. Every song should be liked, if the artist is truly expected. It's hard for me to understand somebody liking only one or two songs of their favorite musical artist. 

Anyway, back to what I was saying about music making me happy. The music I listen to is a great influence in my life. I do have two favorite bands, and I listen to an estimated amount of forty different bands, all of which influence me in their own individual ways. Music gives me hope, guidance, purpose, ideas, inspiration, motivation, strength, tranquility, wisdom, and most of all, happiness. I look up to all the bands I listen to as more than bands, but family, as if I were related to them. Music gets me more connected with myself than I can even explain, and I don't know where I would be without it. I hope to be in a band somebody. I want to be able to influence people like other bands have influenced me. That is my dream. 

On to the second aspect of my life that makes me happiest. As a matter of fact, I would feel 110% confident saying that this "aspect" is my main source of happiness. She practically gave birth to the very concept of happiness in my life, and she happens to be my girlfriend. I seriously do not even know where to begin with this girl. I'm having a more difficult time describing how much she means to me than describing who I am. We have been going out for eight and a half months, and we might be for the rest of our lives. We're in love, and to say the least, that could not be more of an understatement. She is the most incredibly amazing, most caring and loving, most stunningly gorgeous, most life-saving and THE most beyond perfect and beautiful girl to ever make my deepest dreams a reality and ever to over exceed every desire and need of my life. Every single shadow that ever shrouds over my heart is cast away by her warm and shiny sun that comes up on the horizon, for every characteristic this elegant dove possesses is abounding with sweet sunlight and eye-tearing beauty. I can't understand or even believe how somebody could be this beautiful. When I look into her eyes, her astoundingly admirable eyes coated in black eyeliner that I love so much, when I see her lovely smile that appears on her face when she looks at me, or when I hear her sweet little voice that laughs and giggles when I talk to her or twirl her around, my heart just melts into a boiling puddle. Both the spoken and the written, her words are the most pure, eloquent, expressive, passionate, love consistent, and may I say most beautiful words that ever touch my heart. I have never met anybody in the world who is this kind or appreciates me this much. No person alive today or any day that comes to pass could ever make me feel more pleased about myself than her. With endless compliments and dearest regards that make me feel like the most special and valuable guy that could only exist within a girl's dreams, it is impossible for me to detest myself when I am in her presence. I would do absolutely anything for her. I would climb up the tallest balcony or the steepest mountain just so we could catch each other in our arms on the way up or walk over a thousand miles just to see her so she wouldn't have to feel once ounce of sadness. If something is bothering her, I make it my top priority to find out what it is and empty her troubles and doubts completely. When she cries, my fingers wipe away her eyes and my thumbs wipe away her cheeks. When she's afraid, I hold her and make every fear she has non-existent. When she tells me she loves me, I fight back and tell her I love her more. And if come a time when somebody is hurting her, I find out who he is and break every bone in his face. Every moment we spend together brings eternal bliss, every intimate or meaningful situation is everlasting in our dreams, and everything that we see around is absolutely beautiful. Together we are a couple of kids without a care in the world. We play in the volcanoes. With eruptions of fun, laughter and emotion, our hearts burst open with fire. We play on the water. With the breeze in our faces and her in my arms, we sail across the sea in our sea cruise of love. We play in the sky. With our arms wide open and our hands linked together, we fly with the birds and then sleep among the clouds. 

She has become everything I have ever wished and dreamed for since my heart developed its desperation for true love. Now of course with her by my side, that desperation has turned into my dream come true. I could not be more blessed and thankful to have this lovely young lady with me. We could not be more grateful to have each other. Without her, my life would end. My heart would end. I would truly become worthless. There would be no reason for me to exist. I love and adore everything about her. I love her imagination, I love her creativity, I love her passion for photography, I love her cuteness, I love her sensitivity, I love her guidance, I love her sense of style, I love her tastes and interests in everything, I love every small physical feature on her that makes her sexy, I love her caring and oh so fragile heart that deserves the whole world and everything I can and will provide for her. I love her soul, and I love HER more than anything in this whole entire universe and more than a guy like me could ever express through his simple words. If I could talk to her, I would say something like, "I love you! Always know that I am thinking about you right this moment wondering what you are doing, wishing I could be back in your arms and to once again spend a day with you on top of the world. I will always be here for you and I will always be with you, protecting you, loving you, and making us the happiest and most blessed couple. I promise." She and I both dream of raising a family and having a life together in the future. She inspires me to dream big and put forth long-term goals, to be a better, more responsible person, and to acknowledge the values of right and wrong. I love her so incredibly much, and without her, I could never be happy about anything. 

What else could I mention in my little self-portrait of words? I dream of becoming a drummer one day as well as a responsible husband and father. Those could be classified as long-term goals. If I had to choose another career though, I would choose being a novelist or a poet. I want to write for a living. I have a passion for writing. It brings out the best in me, and it helps me learn about what's inside. I think people would really appreciate my ideas years forth down the road. I just have to give myself a chance and get myself educated. As articulate as I am at this age, I admit I have many more things to learn and many more words to add to my vocabulary before a book of mine could even sell once. 

Well, that sums me up in a few very long paragraphs. I hope by reading this, you have been brought into a more understandable image of me. When people see me, they'll think absurd thoughts that usually involve me being evil in some way. Just because I favor black clothing, have long black hair, and choose not to speak that much does not mean there is not an ocean beneath the surface. Maybe you could consider that first impressions are never as accurate as you may believe.