Thinking Out Loud

"I ask for so little. Just fear me. Love me. Do as I ask, and I shall be your slave." -Jareth "You have no power over me!" - Sarah

I can do all of these things now

because I'm not afraid of making you mad anymore.

I won't stand there and take it.

I don't have to spend all my savings on concealer

to hide the bruises to protect you.

You tell people that it was my fault,

but I try to believe that I know it wasn't.

I won't let you take things from me anymore.

I won't let you tell me that it's my fault,

what happened.

It broke my heart and you were fine.

I should've said goodbye the second time.

I won't let you taint beautiful things.

I can listen to songs that mean something

so very different now than they did before.

I loved you

I thought.

I lied.

I know.

I'd say I'm sorry,

but, honestly, I'm not.

I should've told the truth from the start,

but I don't think you would've understood.

We didn't find love where we were,

and that locket disappeared somewhere

in the mess that we became. 

I romanticized what happened with us,

even though I knew it was wrong.

In the beginning, 

you taught me that no means yes

and that it always would.

You taught me that I would always be broken

and that it was my fault

because I wouldn't accept your help.

The feel of hands wrapped around my throat,

the sounds of me choking on air,

crying and knowing I was going to die.

What stopped you?

I accepted the disastrously poisonous

monster we became.

But now I've changed.

I want to love like I'm supposed to,

Like I know I was born to.

I want my heart to be full of love

and care and kindness.

I want to pass it on.

I want to help people who took the beatings

from the people who said "I love you."

I want to give change to the woman at the laundromat

who can't afford to wash her children's clothes.

I want to make people smile

and hold open doors for those around me.

I want to brighten someone's day even a little.

I want to give to the world what it's given me.

I love spring.

I walk and walk and walk, 

both figuratively and literally,

and I see these beautiful flowers.

The magnolias are my favorite because

they always come back.

I can count on seeing them every spring.

If I could save one forever I would.

I see the trees,

telling me that I need to keep breathing

even if I don't want to.

The vibrant colors of spring are helping me

stay alive.

The purple of the first flower I've seen all year

almost made me cry.

I sit down and find four leaf clovers

and press them in my favorite books.

I keep them until I find someone who needs the luck.

I even love the winter.

The graceful fall of snow 

and the way the world becomes something 

so entirely different.

So quiet and so peaceful.

I love to lay down and watch it fall around me.

It's a fantasy world

Where I can forget everything wrong with the Earth.

I love fall,

the sound of the leaves as I walk.

The pumpkin spice products.

I love Halloween and being anybody or anything I want

without judgement.

And the best part is, 

my costume is myself.

For a while, I don't have to pretend.

I didn't like to think about Summer until now,

and still I am afraid.

Maybe I won't be, someday.

 

Author's Note

Just needed to get out some thoughts. I guess it's not really a poem, but it's here. It needed to be. I might have to do more like this. There's so much inside my head. Like the girl who walks on stars.

Reviews

[DeadShot]

This is absolutely perfect. I can feel the raw emotion behind the words. Well written. Great job.

[Jessica]

This is fantastic. It seems so real and descriptive.

[t.m.]

How so? And thank you.

[Jessica]

Just how you describe each season

[t.m.]

It was like journaling more than poetry. Just a jumble of thoughts and hopes and things I needed to tell someone. So theCafe obviously. Lol.

[Emily B]

it is a wonderful poem. and it seems to me you've grown a lot since you came here. glad to see it.

[Emily]

'because I'm not afraid of making you mad anymore.'

This lines means so many things, I love it!
Great poem!
Keep it up!!

[t.m.]

I love the support that you give. It makes me smile.

[Autonomous]

Yeah this could pass as a good story, but it still holds the significance of a great poem.

[t.m.]

Thanks. Its mostly just thoughts that I needed to get outband it ended up like this.