Do You Hear What I Hear?

A song terrible as the siren of an incoming deluge roared and vanished through the mist of darkness just as the air grew stale. An ancient song drifted to and fro, suppressed by the imposing light upon the darkened sky however, the very tune grew thin, akin to a screech with a voice that reached the highest peak, its calling demanded to be heard.

From afar, clumps of dark clouds gathered before the humungous spires of the St. Andrew Academy, veiled in definite darkness, the icy wind crawled its vapory claws against the vast and solid brick stone walls. Beyond these massive walls lay its deaf inhabitants, stuck and warmed under the soft blankets with their heads upon the soft pillows. Their minds drifted into oblivion to the dark masses that took the form of a shadow freely slipping through the cracks and holes of their very rooms. The air grew dank, each passing minute the only illumine object against the ebony sky was the bright round gem, its effort of casting enough glow upon the darkened loam was proven futile as the night, with its patches of dark clouds hovered over its face, completely blocked any shed of illumination upon the ancient edifice.

There was an air of uncertainty, thick and ripe of nature’s on-goings that were normal to the sleeping inhabitants, quite unaware of another force that crept after them during such an unholy hour. Devon Black, was an exception from the rest. Deep in a dreamless slumber, he suddenly found himself awaken from a mysterious voice. His eyes stared through the blanket of darkness, slowly he swept his curious gaze towards the crystal glass window that behold the sky as dark as the charcoal. He didn’t understand the circumstance of him suddenly being awakened from his sleep. All he could recall was the load of homework he had finished past eleven o’clock, a task that he could not neglect as they were due for tomorrow, afterwards he retired to bed. Slowly, he rose from his bed, pulled away the blanket and with uncertain movements, fumbled his way through the dark. His arms reached out for his bedside table, quietly trying to get a hold of the lamp that might give him aid to the accursed darkness.

Soon, his hands reached out for the cord and with a gentle tug of his hand, a soft click echoed against the hollow silence, followed by the light as rich as the sun’s rays, bathing his whole room with the needed aid for his sight. Shadows were soon chased away as the light appeared, the lone soul awoken from his slumber blinked at the very brightness, washing the darkness that shrouded his thin lips, long and prominent nose that he inherited from his stoic father, and his mauve eyes from his sweet mother. They looked bright though people would tend to shy away from him, as his stare held a gaze as cold as the winds of Alps, which left most of his colleagues shivering.

It never really mattered to him as his mind was solely dedicated to accomplishing his task of graduating his last year from the said academy and then he would fly away, gaining his freedom from the demands of his family, especially of his grandfather. The very thought left a sour taste on his mouth. Swiftly diminishing the ugly thoughts of his bound future, he swept back his gaze towards the dark sky.

‘It’s too dark,’ he quietly thought as he stepped forward, his hands holding the wooden pane that felt smooth and cold against his palms.

“I thought there would be a full moon tonight,” Devon murmured to himself, regarding the sky with a vacant gaze when his ears heard sounds coming from the hall. In wonderment, he turned his focus towards the closed wooden door that seemed dark though at daylight it possessed a rich dark brown hue. They were of soft footsteps that echoed against the hollow hall. Slowly, he moved in a careful gait, so careful that he wouldn’t produce any unwanted sounds as the wooden floor was notorious for bringing its inhabitants to a lot of troubles for a simple creaking sound. Closed to the door, he pressed his right ear against the wood, straining his ear for the sound that he might hear.

Soft footsteps, careful as not to stir any souls deep in slumber reached Devon’s ears. They were coming closer, perhaps passing in front of his room as he intently concentrated to the said noise. The lone boy didn’t know how to react as the said matter was both refreshing and terrifying to him. He shook his head, quietly realizing that he might carelessly entangle himself to the business of an unknown person.

‘Perhaps, he is just strolling along the hall because he couldn’t sleep?’ he reasoned to himself, suppressing the very thought that would crack his spirit at any given moment. He was in silent introspection, carefully analyzing and balancing the logical explanations of the sound that echoed just outside his room until the very noise passed along the hall towards his direction. He stood erect; a cold sensation immediately poured its way down to his spine as he clearly heard the soft and slow steps. However, as he listened intently, his eyes widened, the breath caught in his throat. Quickly, with uncertain steps, he backed away, almost stumbling down as he retraced his steps back to his bed whilst his gaze, now filled with pure terror never left the closed door, the footsteps to move back and forth in front of his room. His body shivered as if it never had; his whole body, limbs and even lips quivered at the very sound that reached his ears. As the back of his legs bumped against the wooden edge of his bed, he didn’t think twice before snatching back the sheets and gathered them before his very body until he was covered.

***

Ethan Holly just woke up from a very odd sleep but, that did not falter his sanguine character and without further remonstration, he prepared himself. Fully dressed of the St. Andrew’s stark black suite paired with the shining leather shoes, he marched out of his private room and walked along the hall. A handful of students met him with a weary morning smile. ‘Odd,’ he thought but still kept his smile in place as he turned his gaze to his colleagues and schoolmates.

He directed his way towards his companion’s room which was located in the east wing of the boy’s dormitory. Devon Black was his only close friend and confidante. He had a lot of friends however; Devon was irreplaceable as they had been friends since the start of their high school years in the said academy. His gay character was the opposite of Devon’s bleak and cold nature, like the sun and the moon though they got along pretty well and were almost knowledgeable of all of each other’s secrets and such. Ethan, his smile still plastered upon his face, whistled as he gazed through the glass window that framed the promising morning with the sky drenched in the pure blue, the orb of light freely streaming down its deep honey color, painting the lush in rich green and the loam in dark brown.

“Such a fine morning,” he added contentedly to himself as he finally turned to a corner and after five steps, finally reached his destination.

Dull, soundless as the dead of the night and strange - Ethan felt these sensations as soon as he grabbed a hold of Devon’s room’s door knob. Slowly, he turned around as the unfriendly silence greeted his ears and the unusual gloom met his sight. He swallowed whatever lump was in his throat as he calmed himself, whisking away the negative impression his surrounding offered to him.

“Devon?” he called out as he softly rapped his right knuckles against the wooden door. Silence. He knitted his brows, wondering why he did not respond to his morning call. Devon would usually be up now, his punctuality exceeded his and he honored him for possessing such a strong devotion to his obligations despite of the hesitations he had been sharing with him. It was not a secret to him how he hated given the task foisted upon him as the heir of his family’s imperialistic fortune. Although he was not the only child, his grandfather had personally placed upon Devon’s shoulders the task of carrying out his position.

‘Failure was not an option,’ Devon once told him with a stoic expression, suppressing the bitterness in his voice. He was always in grace under pressure. Ethan knew him to be worthy of such a glorious responsibility however wretched it might be.

Once more he rapped his knuckles against the door but this time in a louder manner. He knew that he would reproach him for such an impudent act however, his tardiness had already snapped Ethan’s coolness.

“Devon? What, are you still asleep? This is unlike of you,” he called out, restraining the irritation lacing in his voice.

Again, only the uncomfortable silence responded to his inquiry. Ethan closed his eyes, he gritted his teeth as his emotions were swelling within him.

“Devon? If you don’t answer me this instant, I will break this door and drag you out of your room!” he finally shouted with a jeer convoluting his handsome feature.

“I am getting dressed up!” the familiar voice suddenly called up, immediately calming the nerves of the impatient boy. Ethan’s twitching face relaxed and he uncoiled his hands, almost calm at the sound of his companion’s voice.

“What took you so long? This is not like you to wake up in such a late hour,” Ethan remarked, turning his back against the wooden door and leant his broad frame against the sturdy construction.

“Please wait!” Devon only muttered, of which left the other boy pondering at the response.

“Alright! Just make it fast!” Ethan said, completely ignoring the odd behavior of his companion.

He soon focused his attention towards the window showing the large expanse of green lushes that seemed to sparkle against the lively color. Spring had started and so nature dressed herself in such refineries of bright colors, an austere contrast of the last season that casted a gloomy but majestic impression upon him. He was quietly musing about the wonders of nature when the clock tower’s sonorous chime startled him. He quickly stirred from his idle pose and stared back towards the closed door.

“Devon? What the f**k’s wrong with you? Are you not yet done? Class is almost starting, damn it!” he cursed through clenched teeth, curling his hands into fists as impatience surged its way through his previous calm nerves.

“You know me very well, Devon. Don’t test my patience. I hate waiting,” he softly spoke with irritation at the foul experience.

“Wait… Wait…” his friend uttered however, Ethan knew that patience wasn’t his best virtue and before he knew what had entirely happened, he found himself striking the door with his right foot. He wasn’t only known as an impatient person but, a character not to be underestimated as he had a physique comparable to that of a full-grown man. The door almost got broken by his strength, it moaned and thwacked, its edges slammed hard into the concrete wall, a painful sound to his sensible ears that Ethan won’t regret doing all of his life. 

Until his sight, wide of fear and astonishment, caught the very state of his companion’s room. Like a snake, that familiar sensation uncoiled, springing towards him with such intensity which left him raw. Feeling the air escaped him and thought the Earth had stopped revolving on its axis, Ethan never knew terror until that very moment as he stumbled back, dry mouth gaped open as his voice tried to raise an alarm which would caused the St. Andrew Academy an infamous reputation.

 

 

  To be continued…

 

 

Reviews

[Ryan Yates]

Hi, i liked some of the descriptions in this, they are really good. the idea seems cool and set up for a cool story. here a few problems i found. i like to look at things in detail and give full and honest feedback so hope this helps.

1. word choice - I think some of your word choice needs to be more simple. i think you are trying to show your vocabulary a little too much. its fine to use obscure words but i would say do it sparingly and only if it completely fits. I'm not sure some that you have used are the best word. use the most descriptive word you can, not the most flamboyant. just call a spade, a spade. I'm not saying dumb it down, just use the clearest and most descriptive word you can.

-----a. embonpoint - bit of a strange word choice,personally i think words like that are distracting and i am not sure this is the right word for what you want to convey. do you mean plump, pudgy, chubby, fat?
-----b. daymare - do people say that, i've never really heard it used much. maybe there is a better way to say this part. maybe she can question what this is herself. maybe a daydream, a daymare, a waking nightmare or something real. does it feel real to her. maybe she knows it is real but says no, this can't be real.
-----c. sears (the silence) - I don't think this sums up what you are trying to say
-----d. mackeral (sky) / cerulean / fulgent / dank / honey hue - you've described the colour of the sky a few times and some of these contradict each other and a little too obscure. i really like honey hue though, that is a great way to describe the light at that time of day and the way it effects the floor. really cool.

it seems you do not want to repeat the same description over and over so use different and sometime obscure words. i think this is because you are describing the same thing too many times. you don't need to describe what something looks like each time you refer to it. it makes reading a little clunky to get through. once you've said what the sky/the teacher/the student looks like i dont think you need to describe them again each time they are mentioned.

for example you wouldn't describe the colour of a car in a different way every time it was mentioned. you would describe the car so the reader gets a picture of it in their mind, then that's it. when you mention the car an image is conjured from what have already described so you don't need for them to re-imagine it.


2. dialogue - well more the tags, you overstate things a few times. like when the guy stammers, you demonstrate he stuttered in the dialogue so you don't really need to say he stammered as well. also his nervousness and the reaction of his classmates further demonstrate this. I think for this and also in other places you can just use, he said , she said etc.

----

all in all I think you are trying a little too hard to make your writing stand out and your descriptions are overshadowing the story.

hope this helps

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[TheMalady]

I guess that is the impression my story had on you, however this is the writing style that I want to polish. Well, your feedback is very helpful. I've read books that uses more descriptive words and I could say that mine were derived from them. I will try to tone down on my desriptions and you're right, I do tend to use different terms to avoid redundancy. I'll take your suggestion on only using simple words, however I would like to know if using a bit of a difficult word in a story would be benificial for the readers? I mean they are reading to widen their vocabulary, am I correct? I must say I have this notion why I'm compelled to use such words. Your feedback regarding about the stammering scene is very helpful, I will try to revise it.

Thanks a lot for the honest feedback! It truly is very helpful, however I do like to retain my writing style. I do like descriptions in my story, though I will still follow your feedback. :)

[Ryan Yates]

that's cool,

yeh widening vocab is cool but i would just say only do it when the "unusual word" fits perfectly what you are trying to say. the main goal is to keep the reader on track and if an unknown word pops up it can kinda knock them out of the story a little. instead of keeping them engrossed in the story it makes them say 'hmmm what does that word mean.'

[TheMalady]

I see your point. :)

I will try to improve my writing especially on that aspect. :) You're totally right about that, I really don't want to make the readers suffer just for reading. :)

[Lavorther]

Wow, amazing as always. The haunting song in your Author's Note really fits this chapter, and strengthens the fear and panic that Kana feels. Like Tiffany says, it did remind me of Bleach as well, with the shadowy figure that only Kana can see, and the student asking to go to the restroom directly after. In the anime, this happened quite a lot when they went to fight the evil spirits that they sensed.

There is one thing though, this doesn't really have the feel of a prologue. I took a peek at the first few sentences of the next chapter, and it seems like it could just as well have been the first chapter. Here's a useful video I recently watched about whether you should write a prologue or not:
https://youtu.be/RAyXMU-fgP8

I know I'm guilty of writing unnecessary prologues as well, but I only found this video a few days ago. I hope it's of use some to you.

Some little grammatical things I noticed:

"... leaving the air thick of a strange sensation that makes her stomach churns and her nose twitches uncomfortably.
"churns" should be "churn", and "twitches" should be "twitch". This is because of the way you wrote the sentence (the "strange sensation than makes ..." part).

""Thanks a lot, Sensei," HIroto croons"
You also used a capital I in Hiroto's name here.

"... she tells herself, nibbling her bottom lip as she struggles to erase the shadows of her past that tries to grapple her down. "
"shadows" is plural, while "tries" is singular. So in this case, since you probably want to keep it "shadows", I would change "tries" to "try".

[TheMalady]

Thanks again for the great review. Definitely, I am trying my luck on another story and I will check the link asap as I can. Thanks a lot for the awesome help and advise! This story is still improving and I welcome a lot of critiques (positive or negative).

Thanks for liking the song. I like listening to that song, especially when I feel like writing a horror story. Thanks a lot for spotting those errors, I'll try to fix them asap.

Again, thanks a lot! I appreciate your thoughtful reviews! :)

[Lavorther]

You're welcome, glad to be of help :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I did enjoy the story. My daughter love the Asia shows. So I understand the story. I like the characters and the story line. Thank you for sharing the introduction.
Coyote

[TheMalady]

Aw, that is awesome! I'm glad to know that! I'm glad to know how much you've taken your time to read this story. Thank you very much! Your beautiful words will inspire me to write. :)

[Coyote Poetry]

I'm glad and you are welcome.

[Tiffany K Charles]

When I was a preteen I was in love with sailor moon and Gundum Wing..... I love Bleach and this seems to have that feel...... To me at least..... I love the imagination you tend to help my mind create and the sense of excitement.... I'm eager for the next segment..... seeing as though it takes time to write them... I'll be waiting like a junkie for their next hit....

[TheMalady]

Hi, T.F.K!
Thanks a lot for being a loyal reader! I am glad that it thrilled you to read this story. :) Sure, I'll definitely inform you right away of the next chapter. :) Thank you very much. :)

[Tiffany K Charles]

Lol.... TKC .... are my initials.... your welcome lovey

[TheMalady]

Sorry TKC, my eyes are messing me T_T

[Krizito]

I think it is pretty nice and leaves a lot of room for suspense. Though I can't lay a claim to be a big fan of the genre...I really did enjoy this-sorry I didn't take much points for critiques- Nice Work!

[TheMalady]

Thanks a lot, Krizito. This one will be something I had been doing, I wanna see if I can still leave a horrifying impression. Though I must say that I must scare myself first to make this effective. Thanks a lot for reading! :) I though I would still need your opinion. :)

[Krizito]

Anything, anytime...just message me.

[TheMalady]

Thanks a lot! Well, the same goes for me! If you want me to read something, just pm me. ;)

[Sage]

As a reader of a lot of mangas and wuxias, I must tell you I did not have the slightest problem in adjusting into this new setting. This prologue feels very much like all the prologues start in that genre, but all of them go on to have diverse and awesome stories. I'm waiting for the second story and I'm having a hunch that the Hiroto guy looks at Kana to signal her to meet him. It somehow sounds like the initial chapter of Bleach. I just hope this thing has some damn good transformation like a monster or something of that sort in the next chapter. Ah~ I'm waiting Malady sensei!

[TheMalady]

Gosh Sage, haha, I'm actually plotting something like that. Aw geez... Anyway, I'm surprised to learn that you're into this genre as well! Pow! Now, I'm fired up! Please hold on, I still am on the process and I can't finish it since I'm flooded with work work work... wew... Anyway, I'm very happy that you like this! I'm quite flattered by the honorifics, btw! XD

[Archos]

This chapter makes for a great prologue. I love the language, I love the descriptions, the atmosphere... I do not find the story very interesting, but that is simply a matter of preference. (I still enjoyed it :) Sorry, but I can't think of anything to criticize here.

[TheMalady]

I'm quite flattered for that, Archos! Haha, anyway this is just the beginning so I was really hoping for a lot of feedback's especially for the plot. However, you're right. There are preferences that makes us different and I totally respect that. Thanks a lot again for reading! I truly appreciate it. :)

[Lalochezia]

As always: admirable descriptions in very elegant phrasing. Sometimes, however, I would leave out some of the adjectives in order to prevent information overload.

I have sent you your chapter with some revisions/comments via e-mail.

[TheMalady]

Thanks a lot again! Your critique is very helpful. I just edited the story. Thanks a lot for pointing out those errors. :)

[Aswin R Prasad]

No matter how you write , present or past , if it gets the reader into it, it's great! :)
And you certainly did that! :) Thanks for sharing! :)

Keep writing! :)

[TheMalady]

Oh, thanks a lot for the encouragement, A.R.P! You know how much you've encouraged me with your words. Thanks a lot for taking your time in reading my story. I am truly happy about it! :)

[Aswin R Prasad]

Your always welcome! :)
Glad that i could do that ! :)

[TheMalady]

Haha, thanks again! You're an encouragement, you know that. :)

[Solar]

I got drawn into the story from the first paragraph, hinting of something supernatural to follow.

Colours seemed to figure a lot in the narrative and while I found it added more depth, here and there when it was used to describe a character, I found it a little distracting.

This was beautiful 'a mackerel sky now slowly disperses the cerulean hue'.
The narrative maintains a tension which promises to deliver more - so looking forward to reading more!

[TheMalady]

Aw, geez I'm very happy for your words, Solar and thanks again for pointing them out. I'll try to minimize the descriptions a bit. Thanks again, your review and feedback is very helpful. :)

[Solar]

You are welcome - and let me emphasise that the use of colours did enrich the narrative, not just as physical props but also adding psychological/symbolic qualities.

[TheMalady]

Aw, thank you very much again. Your critique will truly help me for my second chapter. Thank you so much! >_