Caught In A Glance

Again. All over again. 

Always - almost every single day he would find her standing by the window, her hazel brown eyes staring at some distant world he just can't comprehend. He catches her indulging in this habit every lunch break. She quietly slips herself from the buzzing crowd like a phantom, secluding herself from the noise, solely walking through the spotless art room blanche in the glowing golden light. She slides open the glass window to allow the soft breeze to caress her skin. Her eyes would always be watching the vast clear blue sky. 

'What is she thinking? What can she see with those murky eyes?'

Kite Daves stops himself.

"Are you also here to watch the sky?" the small and soft voice akin to a nightingale's stops him from deserting the room. The jet black haired boy hesitantly turns to her, hazel brown eyes instantly meet those glassy gray ones. The world glows around them. The breeze fondles her long, straight flaxen locks; a gentle smile beaming at him which leave the words stuck in his throat.

Yuna Clyne has been here for a little while, silently enjoying the Spring air combing the soft strands of her hair, the bright sakura aimlessly swaying as the wind flaps its invisible wings up towards the sky. Always - she spends her precious time in the empty art room, keeping herself from the noise that hinders her mind's eye from wandering the serenity of her own world.

She wordlessly studies him for a while. How rather unexpected. She thought, watching him pull up his eyebrows, a shadowy glint of reluctance flickering in his gray eyes. Facing him in person is rather refreshing, like the morning mist, for he is one of those people that are difficult to talk to.

"No. I am not," Kite answers, meeting her eyes. It is all so sudden how the flickering shadows slick back to its cavern, replace promptly by his glassy gaze.

"I see," she answers in a faint voice, slowly turning back towards the clear blue sky with the cool wind stroking against her smooth face.

Pathetic me... Shaking his head, he turns around on his heel, ambling his way along the throng-filled aisle, ignoring the curious eyes searing him. Should he bother himself with others? 

No. That will be a waste of time however, not until Spring ends...

"Kite, we won't live here anymore. Learn to let go, especially of people..." his mother's words are enough for him. People - they are difficult to let go. So, to make things easy for him, he keeps a definite distance from them.

His gray eyes wander towards the sakura dancing outside, its fully-bloomed petals playfully flirting with the gentle wind without any anxieties in its bright pink hues. Whatever Yuna thinks is none of his concern. A lone specter lost in the world of commonalities that pulsates of indefinite possibilities, whatever her eyes see will be her own and not his. Words cannot easily define her, for her whole being is shrouded in a thick veil of silence. 

Their beings are akin to white and black: Kite lives in the midst of the blaring lights and covetous eyes, while Yuna choose to stay in the shadows, blissfully watching the monotonous flow of life in complete silence. 

Yes. They are the complete opposite. Whatever he does in the present, the future is already definite. Because after the spring term ends, his eyes will no longer have to follow her again.

The days pass by like clouds sailing smoothly on the clear blue sky. For how long he watches the sun dyeing its golden and tangerine hue amidst the canvas of the endless horizon, he is not aware. Because once more, he finds himself enthrall to her being - he stands there on the scattered shadows of sakura, chasing away the fading crimson shaft of light whilst the sweet scent wafts into his nostril, quietly watching her standing at the second floor by the window, as always, in the vacant art room. 

What is she thinking? What can she see with those murky eyes? 

His mind however, repeats the same inquiries, bottling the queer emotion that gradually swells within him.

Again. All over again. 

He watches her. And his world is soon filled with silence.

Only the gentle wind whispering her song fill his ears, the sakura petals muffling out the residue of voices amidst the roaring world. 

Quietly, his eyes catch the soft light playing in her hazel brown eyes as the last crimson kiss upon the ground, while the wind brushes the flaxen strands of her long and straight hair from her face. 

In a blink of an eye, the song of silence fades into the oblivion, filling his ears with the familiar voices and afternoon music.

However, it is at that moment his world has fallen into her own as she turns her hazel brown eyes to him.

 

For the last time, despite the future laid before him, he knows that he won't be able to escape those eyes.

        His breath is taken away. He is completely caught in a glance.

Reviews

[Demetri J]

Reading this story makes me feel like I'm reading a manga without the drawings lol it has my interest though. So I assumed this was all going to be one continuous story but now I infer it's more of an anthology, separate stories throughout Japan connected by the theme of romance? If so, that can be very promising. I also love the use of the sakura leaves as a recurring motif, just subtly thrown in there.

If I can make a suggestion, you should probably incorporate more dialogue and in doing so flesh out the characters' personalities more. I'm sure you know the rule of 'show, don't tell'?

" They are in two completely different worlds… "
"Yes. They are complete opposite..."
Instead of just telling the reader they're different, maybe you should let readers see it for themselves through the their dialogue and inner thoughts and whatnot. If they're different, let them talk about their experiences, give them different outlooks on life, different attitudes and personalities, different ways of speaking, etc.

Hope that was helpful, good luck!

[TheMalady]

Thanks a lot for pointing that out. I will try to wrack my brain with that. I just love the sakura, that's why I wanted to write about it. ABout romance, wah, I'm not really good at it, but I'm trying. Your feedback is very helpful! I will definitely need your help with the review to check if I'm doing right or not. Haha. Thanks for taking your time reading and reviewing my work! :)

[CL Steffen]

Very nice piece with lots of imagery. You do have have some verb usage errors and some run-on sentences that could be cleaned up and Incan look at that when I have access to a computer instead of my phone

[TheMalady]

Thanks a lot for reading. I tend to be lousy with that and I really need to fix that bad habit of mine. Your feed back is really helpful. Thanks a lot for reading! :)

[Aurafiex]

I like how you end the story with the title name.

Jokes aside, you really need to brush up on your grammar. This is a narrative, so it should be mostly in the past tense when narrating while your conversations should be present tense.

[TheMalady]

I see. I will need to really wake up my mind with that. It has been a long time I had some critiquing with writing. However, I'll really work that out. And thanks for that info. This is very helpful. Thanks again! :)

[McBear]

I really enjoyed reading this. It flows well but I have a suggestion. It may only be me but I feel as some of it is hard to follow.

Here is my reasoning.

You use complicated vocabulary which by all means is good but I see a lack of detail in some areas where it is needed.

Example:

"Quietly, she slips herself from the buzzing crowd like a phantom and secludes herself from the noise. All alone, she walks inside the vacant Art Room with bare walls and the golden light flooding the white floor and slides open the glass window to allow the soft breeze to caress her skin while she looks up at the clear blue sky."

This to me would be extremely difficult for someone who isn't good at reading to understand in my opinion. You have a lot of details and maybe to make it a little easier, I came up with this..

She quietly slips herself from the buzzing crowd like a phantom, secluding herself from the noise. She walks through the Art room all alone gazing at the bare walls as the golden light illuminated the floor below her. She slides open the glass window to allow the soft breeze to caress her skin as she looks up at the blue sky." (took out vacant because "all alone" means its just her, well, kinda)

Now that is just one paragraph. All I did was reword some things so it could be more easily read and have a less of a chance of being confused.

Hoped this helped!

[TheMalady]

Oh my gosh. you're definitely right! Thanks a lot for reviewing this one. This now really seems clear than mine. I will keep this in mind to improve my work. Thanks a lot for reading. Really! This is very helpful! :)

[McBear]

:) Glad I helped! It is always good to get critique!

[TheMalady]

It really is. Hopefully, you could critique next story. I do tend to be lousy and I want to fix that bad habit of mine. I also accept negative feed backs (though, please be constructive) haha. Thanks again! :)

[McBear]

Aha. I always tend to be non-negative because it can be offensive. I always take the constructive approach because I wouldn't like if someone was rude to me, lol. Yeah, by all means I will. Send me a read request :)

[Southern_Writes]

Okay, no. No...no...noo....no. No way can I offer anything, I love it! I truly and honestly love it! The flow, the imagery, the story its self, the innocence of the two, mixed with the inner complexities, I really enjoyed this. It kinda feels like a light novel! I love it...and I am going to do something I honestly have only done a handful of times...FULL RATINGS!

[TheMalady]

Please don't compliment me too much. Haha. Anyway, thank you very much. Your review will keep me motivated. Thanks a lot! This means a lot to me. :)

[Mary Helda]

Hey,you really know how to tell a story..i love all of them and the way you write them is exquisite...i think Kristolini and Lavorther mentioned all the little issues that are there ..great write

[TheMalady]

Hi! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Yeah, I had them revised already. They were really nice. Your time to read this and your feedback means a lot to me! Thanks again! :)

[Mary Helda]

you are welcome:-)

[Krizito]

Somehow,you're awesome at panting great imagery...the words you used to paint the feelings, the landscape, the characters, cool...and that's something I've been trying to get a handle on. So...if you can give me a few pointers on a work, I'll really appreciate it.

[TheMalady]

Thanks for reading and reviewing my work. I'm quite flattered to be asked by you to teach you this style. When I'm writing, I guess I write based on my feelings and the words just flow out. Though, I would tend to watch my surroundings and try to describe them using my senses. I'm pretty weird. Listening to music also helps me a lot. I'm sorry, I'm not really techy when it comes to writing. T_T

[Deanna M.]

Wow, I really love the way you write!! With every sentence I read I could envision it as if I was actually there. I also like how you explain everything in great detail, and how there's not too much dialogue. I can't wait to read the rest!!

[TheMalady]

Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing:) I still have to learn more. However, your feedback is an inspiration for me. :)

[kristollini]

I liked the vivid imagery and descriptive words you use for their standing environment. It paints a colorful picture and mood for the two characters. That being said, there are some sentences that have so much going on that it's easy to get lost in them in finding what you're trying to say/convey. The structure of those longer sentences also tend to confuse the meaning (not just in this piece of writing, but in general it can be hard to keep track of what you're trying to say if there are a lot of words and commas in a sentence), but you can fix that by reading your sentences out loud or keeping track of what parts of the sentences are supposed to correspond with other parts.

For example, the sentence "Outside, his gray eyes wander towards the dancing Sakura in full bloom, playfully flirting with the gentle wind without any anxieties in its bright pink hues." has wonderful imagery, but the structure is a little off. The beginning word "outside" should correspond with the sakura, but the way the sentence is structured, it looks like it's talking about his eyes being outside. You could restructure it into something like, "His gray eyes wander towards the sakura dancing outside the window, their fully-bloomed petals playfully flirting with the gentle wind without any anxieties in their bright pink hues."

Also, there are some tense issues and awkward word choices dotted here and there, but as Lavorther said, you can probably catch them with a more careful read through.

And one more thing that may be kind of nitpicky, but I say it because I also struggle with it: the sudden head hop, or switch to the girl's thoughts, is a bit of a break in the flow. Though the story is set in a third person POV, because it mostly follows the boy's thoughts, it seems a bit awkward to suddenly insert the girl's thoughts in the middle of it. My suggestion would be to change it so that the boy sees surprise in her eyes or something so that the story doesn't break off like that to insert one of the girl's thoughts. I found that this link is useful for better understanding different POVs and head hopping:
http://jamigold.com/2011/02/what-makes-omniscient-pov-different-from-head-hopping/

Overall, it's got great potential! There's a level of serenity with the mentions of soft breezes and colors, but a wistfulness from the boy and a sense of mystery from the girl. The mood and setup is good - let's see where else you can take it ;)

[TheMalady]

Thank you very much. This will be a big help for me. I will revise this asap. Your review is a big help for my improvement. Thanks again. I also tend to stray with the words, I guess it's with too much description. I'll try to organize my thoughts properly. :) Thanks again! :) You're a big help!

[kristollini]

You're very welcome! I hope it helps/helped! Of course, the suggestions are just suggestions and you should do what you feel works best with your own style of writing! Happy writing :D

[TheMalady]

I will improve mine. However, your feedback is a big help for me. Thank you so much! :)

[Lalochezia]

You really have an aptitude for describing landscape and weather:
"the breeze fondling", "flirting with the gentle wind", "crimson hues" → big fan! :)

I found a few errors again:
"catches her DOING this habit" sounds a bit off; "indulging" or "following" this habit might fit better.
"... white floor AND slideS open the glass window"
"bothering with her OWN reverie" → I would strike the OWN
"watching him pull UP his eyebrows"
"turns his heel around" → I only know "turns on his heel"
"he watchES the sun"

I agree with Lavorther; this setting reminds me of the story about Erika and Hiro. Is this book inspired by them? How many chapters are you planning or are you just writing ahead and seeing where your inspiration takes you?

[TheMalady]

Oh geez... I missed a lot with these words. Haha. Thanks a lot for pointing this out. I'll fix them asap. Thank goodness you have keen eyes. Now, I must learn to review my work thoroughly. However, I am learning a lot from my mistakes. Thanks again! Your review and feedback is very helpful! :)

[Lalochezia]

Always a pleasure :) could you review my next chapters as well? I keep getting reviews for the first one, which is definitely helpful but I am in dire need of feedback for the remainder.

[TheMalady]

sure, no probs! Just give me a moment! :)

[Tiffany K Charles]

wanting more............ I'll be waiting