In the Dusk

There are simple moments when we couldn't avoid how our heart betrays our own thoughts.

"Why are you still here?"

Erika could only grip the pen, turning her knuckles white as she stands before him. How will she explain to him that somebody played a prank on her by hiding her bag somewhere she couldn't find? And she has been haplessly looking for it since dismissal time until dusk came, turning the entire school building like one of  Japan's seven school urban legends she never failed to hear from her classmates.

Slowly, she turns towards the wide crystal window that shows the vast expanse of sky melting into hues of crimson and purple however, the sight of it only heightens her worry as she would still need to go home before dinner.

Gulping down the lump in her throat, she turns down, biting the corner of her lips as she thinks hard of what she must do.Wordlessly, she scanned her surroundings, silently praying for a miracle to happen.

And there he stood before her, as if the answer to her prayer molded into a form, accompanied by the ecstatic thumping of her heart.She never expects to see him walking along the hollow hall, seeing her flustered face as she dreadfully turns to every corner of the room just to look for her bag.

"I - I'm currently looking for my bag," she stammers, green eyes cast down as she feels his height looming over her.

At that time, she couldn't stopped her heart from beating so hard. In the first place, she has never been good with guys. It has always been awkward for her to talk with them, especially this person named Hiro. 

Hiro Jones is her complete opposite. He is the epitome of happiness. There is always that bright smile plastered on his handsome face. Smart, athletic, friendly - it seems people never get tired of following him. 

"Ahm... Prank played against you?" a deep sigh escapes him, shuffling on his feet as he scratches the back of his head. "Isn't that already too much? And just look at how late it is already." Hiro creases his brow, turning once more to the long, amber colored haired Erika. 
Erika Reeds - an introvert person who doesn't seem to open her mouth whenever people surround her. During class, she tends to sit herself away from the others, her green eyes would wander towards the window, quietly watching how the Sakura would rustle against the gentle wind, and would flutter the petals on the ground every five centimeters per second.

Unconsciously, his eyes drift towards the crystal glass window and inwardly groans at the last shaft of dusk creeping away from the horizon. It's better to help her than to leave like this. He ponders, weighing down the studies he will need to accomplish as he doesn't have time to stay in the school library since there were a lot of people who fussed around him earlier. 

He slips his left hand inside his pocket, turning his gaze back to the person that almost reach his shoulders. Slim-built, with a pair of deep-set green eyes clouded of apprehension that tend to roam around, refusing to meet him, round and smooth face framed in her long, straight amber hair. 

"I... I wasn't aware of the time as well so, um... If you don't mind, I-I'll go ahead and look for my bag. E-Excuse me," Erika quickly bows before him, refusing to meet his eyes and rushes by him in a jiffy. 

"Wait."

It is all so sudden that his right hand grabs her arm, halting her down. Hesitantly, she turns to him, a frown drawn on her smooth face. "Fine. I'll help you look for it," he finally decides, beaming a toothy grin to her. 

Erika couldn't answer him right away as she never expected him to spare a sliver of his time to a person like her.

"B-But I will just bother you with - "

"Don't say that," he gently cuts her, giving her a gentle squeeze on the arm before releasing his grasp.

"We need to help each other and I can't allow a lady to stay here all by herself," he says in a soft voice, before gathering a lungful of air, then turning his back against her.

"Now, where do you think did they kept your bag? It should be in our classroom, right? Geez... They really don't know how to treat girls properly." Hiro's lips set into a thin line, quietly thinking how people could just easily play on others, without any tinge of remorse in their hearts.

Erika clutches the only remaining thing left on her, completely ignoring a strange sensation crawling to her cheeks up to the tips of her ears. Is this the feeling they experience when they talk to one of those popular people at school? She wonders, as her stomach tightens into a knot. 

'It could be... How strange...' 

Her innocent mind thought with a faint smile upon her lips as she follows him, quietly watching his broad frame and dark locks bath in the fading crimson light.

Hiro glances at the window and watches her reflection, meekly curling a faint smile upon her thin lips. 

'So, she could also smile like that...'  

He muses to himself, stifling a chuckle as he doesn't want to cut the silence enveloping them.
Outside, the sky slowly turns dark purple, brushing away what little streaks of light left from the golden afternoon. Below the darkening dusk, two souls quietly wander around, deep in thought and muffled with their own heartbeat, neither aware how time flies so fast.
However, they only know that they are deep...

...In the dusk.

Reviews

[Schatzi]

Hi TheMalady,

Is it just me or is there a manga feel to your writing style? It could just be me because I am a huge fan of manga/anime. Regardless, I enjoyed your writing very much. The story was very romantic and had a playful innocence to it that was very pleasing. The last bit was very powerful. I like your descriptions--very vivid imagery. Great job!

Thanks for sharing.

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[TheMalady]

Hi Schatzi!

I am so glad knowing that you've taken your precious time to read and review my story. I really appreciate it. I am glad as well that you find this pleasing. :)

[knapp darko]

I really enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading more. the writing kept me hooked from start to finish and I loved your use of words, I will read the other chapters and look forward to reading more of your work

[Krizito]

"However, they only know that they are deep...
...In the dusk."
Super ending...captivating, to be modest. Two souls entwined...clouds of romance gathering..you should let it fall, I don't mind getting bathed in a piece so beautiful.
"Now, where do you think
did they keep your bag?"
Sounds a bit off, "Now where do you think they kept your bag?"..sounds a bit more like it.
"Quietly thinking how people can just easily play on others,"
I feel the "can" should be interchanged with "could".
Great piece of work...loved it.

[TheMalady]

Thank you very much for the critique and review! I'll revise this right away. So glad that you pointed out these errors. Thanks a lot again. :) Happy that you liked this.

[Krizito]

No fault of mine if It was SUPER-likeable..

[Kaliope]

It's a beautiful scene, full of lovely descriptions, but since this is part of a larger story I'm missing any kind of progression. The whole scene feels very poetic but static. I'm sure you've heard people say that characters and stories should go through an arc, and usually chapters have a little mini-arc as well. The characters start off in one place and end up in another (emotionally, not necessarily regarding their physical location). Yet I don't get that feeling here. The way to accomplish progression is usually some sort of conflict - not always a major battle, but the small conflicts of life - like conflicting emotions, unfulfilled desires, conflicts of interest. This chapter is - in my opinion - too harmonious to make the reader curious for the next one.
Just my personal thoughts though, if this is exactly what you want to do - by all means - keep it that way.

[TheMalady]

Hi! Oh, thank you very much for your review. :) Well, um, just some encounters, however, I made use of a lot of characters that will interact with each other in different and normal circumstances. Not fully a story that one should focus on, and not an arc either. Just an encounter. :)

[Kaliope]

Ah, okay. Well in that case forget what I said :-)

[TheMalady]

No no, I think your feedback will be very helpful to my future writings! Every feedback is a wisdom. :)

[V]

I liked reading it. It's an innocent (in comparison to your other writings) description, stuffed with nice words creating nice images. (Though a tiny advice on writing: all those descriptions/comparisons on colors, outside etc. are a little too much, at least for me reads almost too romantic, though that's only my impression)

[TheMalady]

Thank you very much for that! Yeah, I tend to describe too much. I'll try to tone it down. I'm too wordy for describing things. Thank you again for the review! :) Your feedback is very helpful.

[Mary Helda]

Wow..i loved the last stanza..the way the story climaxed was fantastic..i could feel a deep connection between the two characters...as i always say,i love your style of writing..great job

[TheMalady]

Thank you very much for reading! I'm very flattered. Haha, though I have a lot to improve. However, your feedback will motivate me! :) Thanks again for the review! :)

[Mary Helda]

Wow..i loved the last stanza..the way the story climaxed was fantastic..i could feel a deep connection between the two characters...as i always say,i love your style of writing..great job

[Archos]

I really enjoyed this chapter (despite the topic being, I admit, far from what I'd look for in the library :D ). Anyway, I liked the writing style, it felt very natural and tender, you portrayed the characters quite interestingly, but within the dialogues Hiro feels somewhat sterile. Try to play with his part of dialogue and show us what kind of person he is. Overall, as I said, I enjoyed this write!

[TheMalady]

Thank you very much for reading this story! Your review is really helpful and I will improve the characters based on your feedback. :) Thank you very much! :)

[Demetri J]

Before I start, I just want to say I really like the way you incorporate those pictures into the writing. Usually when people do that it seems cumbersome and gimmicky to me, but the images you use actually fit the story and set the mood.

I like your deep, expansive language but you seem to get a little carried away or at least there seems to be an inconsistency; you spend a paragraph going on a poetic tangent about the sunset, but barely describe the setting these characters are in. She has green eyes I gather, but I can''t really grasp more than that.

I like the short length, no time is wasted and no meandering storyline; just right to the point and it leaves off with room for more.

The dialogue seems a little unnatural, though I'm not sure if that's a fair complaint yet as I don't know what kind of world you're trying to establish here. It doesn't seem to be set in the real, everyday world we currently live in, so if the dialogue sounding outlandish or foreign was your intention that's fair enough. I would suggest in that case you at least make the characters sound different in the way they speak, their personality should not just come through in the things they say, but also the words they choose and the way they phrase things.

Speaking of the world, I make these assumptions because of how they speak and their names; this seems to be a cultural melting pot. I mean, we're supposed to be in Japan but Erika Reeds is not a Japanese girl's name. Erika is a fairly common American name, the spelling of which you've chosen is Scandinavian in origin I believe, Hiro is a Japanese name and Jones… Well, there are no Hiro Joneses in the world.

Most importantly, I don't see what's so special about this encounter, these two characters are kind of blowing a mundane crossing of paths out go proportion. I get the idea this is leading to some big, romantic excursion and this will retroactively become some pivotal moment, but as it stands I'm not really sure why them meeting is supposed to hold so much weight

Basically, more clarification on the setting and more detail on the locations and characters would greatly improve this in my opinion. Maybe it's just going over my head but I'm not quite sure I get what this story is going for.

[TheMalady]

Thanks a lot for reading and reviewing! I'll try to make the characters' traits more detailed. For the meeting, it's just a simple encounter - just very simple, not that really big, however, I was only focusing on the character's sensation. Just an encounter without a closing. However, I will try to make the scenes more meaningful. Thank you very much for pointing these out. Now, I have another point to work out on my next story. Hopefully, you could review it. Thanks a lot! Your review is very helpful! :)

[Demetri J]

Will do, glad to help!

[Bethsinitaly]

This is very well written. It has a nice flow to it and a good use of language and character description. I find myself intrigued :)

[TheMalady]

Thank you very much for reading. I had a lot of revisions to this one before however, I learned a lot from them. I really appreciate the time and review you've given to this story. It means a lot for me. Thanks! :)