emotions i guess

When I was 10, I loved to run around and sing in the snow. 

I don´t think I realised it then, but I loved the feeling to be free yet so sad, all alone but it felt like the whole world was listening to me, crying and laughing, thinking but also not, loving and hating myself and just existing. With no one judging me. 

No one really listening but still hearing me, shouting out to the distance thinking that I´m crazy but I didn´t care. Hell, I loved it! It was a time when Society didn´t apply to me when I knew nothing, f**k i still don't know anything! When I was a small, beautiful child who laughed over the dumbest things and lived my life to the fullest. I didn´t need someone to comfort me or understand the cruel world I just loved it, damn I might have even loved myself.  

I didn´t notice or care about racist remarks or people being unfair.

I didn´t care!

I used to be happy falling asleep my only worry being that the light would go out. Not afraid of waking up... 

Why do I hate myself now? 

why? 

It´s never their fault... 

It´s me, why? 

I want to scream and run and cry and love and be hugged and cared for but I just can't-… 

And I hate myself so much for that! 

I don´t even want to think- 

or talk,

or live.

I want to express myself; believe me I want to! 

I can't, I can't, I can't! 

I really do want to but, I just can't.  

I want to run and sing in the snow again and be 10 years old.  

I want to sing sad lovely songs that I don´t relate to I want to talk about stupid stuff I don´t understand and just- be free.

But I still hate myself, my body, my mind.

Oh, how I wish I wouldn´t be this stupid or stop distancing myself from people I care about just because I made one mistake. 

I just don´t want to feel at this point, but that would be bad right? I still need to care... 

I hate myself!

Why do people still care about me? 

They all have to go through so much and I- can´t do anything... 

At this point it´s not even Society's or my Family's Standards that make me this hateful human being anymore it´s ALL my fault. 

why? 

I want to be 10 again. 

I want to love myself. 

And it´s sad that I can only express these feelings on the Internet to people who don´t even know or care about me. I´m just so f*****g scared that people in my life will either care too much or not at all and I don´t want anyone to get hurt.  

I just hate my mind. 

I only feel good when I´m alone in a space where no one exists except for me and that is- my mind. 

My f*****g mind. 

Oh, how i hate the idea of all this, sometimes my whole existence just disgusts me.

I want out-

I want to breathe- 

But I can´t swim anymore. 

I´m drowning. 

It hurts so much but I´m slowly going under and no one is noticing. 

Maybe if I scream someone would help. 

But I don´t know how to anymore. 

If I scream it would start to hurt. I don´t want to hurt. 

Ignore the water. Just hold your breath. 

So, I drown, and no one sees. 

No one. 

 

 

Reviews

[Kekuit]

That brings up a lot of deep painful memories. in me. Thank you for creating such a beautiful, heartfelt and brave story. While mine may be different in subtle ways, it is also the same.

[Ghost/Gray]

Ohh thank you for reviewing!!

[Arundass TP]

Beautifully written on life perception. Good work

[Ghost/Gray]

Thank you for reviewing my writing!