False Hero

They pull us into the dark abyss down under
In a chilling chasm feel the warmth that emanates from me
Hear the roaring rush of blackened water flowing free
The ground that can't be seen trembles. Can you sense the thunder?

 

I detect their voices through the dampened walls
I'm not aware of the enigma their discussions hold
Maybe they are devising a plan of which we cannot be told
Echoes of untold tortures reverbating through the halls

 

I turn to console you but of me you want no part
I'm not the malevolent person who forced you to be here
You continuously try to be the hero, but it's beginning to show clear
You only crave recognition and not to be the savior of my heart

 

So we'll slowly rot together in this atrocious cell
You with an innocent damsel who trusted you obliviously
Myself with an egotistical boy who tears me down continuously
We will slip into everlasting blackness at the sound of the bell

 

I slide my hands weakly across the saturated impediment
The secrets of my captors I will never comprehend
Into the dust my grey, dehydrated skin will perfectly blend
The ceasing of a hardened heart and a smile so benevolent

Reviews

[Persona]

Very nice language used, could do with more of a deep storyline to it because at first it seems cool and sci-fi but then it turns into another teen story where a boy has let a girl down. The language is good, but try to come up with new ideas and plots when it comes to your poems

[Walker Andreasen]

I absolutely love the line: "Can you sense the thunder?" Deeply moving.
This is a well written piece indeed. Excellent flow and superb expression of thought, feeling, and emotion.

[Admiral Kirk]

This is very dark and very interesting... I can tell that a lot of thought was put into this poem, and I am glad that I got to read it. Very good work; I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.

[Coyote Poetry]

You are a very good writer. I like the intense feel of the story. The story led the reader into emotion and desire with a poor ending. I like the use of language. A very mature tale that brought the reader in. Thank you for the excellent story.
Coyote

[∠( ᐛ 」..]

Amazing. i like the rythm scheme and suspense in this poem.
amazing peom!
rating 100/100 :-D

[Ellie Howard]

the imagery gives me chills, nice job :D

[bunmal]

Very well-written, and I loved the dark, eerie edge to this. Though, the length of a few of the lines knocked the rhyme scheme off, and I had to go back and look at the last words of each line to realize the abba scheme. But your wide vocabulary is beyond anyone of thirteen years. Well done. :)

[Lunny]

quite shocking if you get what I mean... loved it ^^

[Alex Vidmar]

Wonderfully written.

[Distant horizons]

Perfectly captured sense of danger and suspense, with inevitable demise. This is a really great write. great flow.