Chapter 1: Flashbacks

  Kelsey tossed and turned, unsuccesfully trying to fall asleep. She turned over, and checked her digital alarm clock that sat on her bedside table. 2:35. She sighed, and rolled back over, running her hand through her hair. She'd hardly slept in two weeks. It had been two weeks since Lauren, Kelsey's bestfriend, died. Two weeks since she was murdered. Two weeks since Kelsey witnessed it. Two weeks that Kelsey had been keeping the secret. Kelsey knew who her friend's killer was, but no one else did. And she didn't dare tell. She closed her eyes letting the scene replay in her mind for the hundredth time.

  It was a Saturday night. Lauren had asked Kelsey to come over, and Kelsey had decided to walk since she lived so close, and it was a nice night. Kelsey had been spending a lot of time at Lauren's house since Lauren broke up with her boyfriend of two years, Drew. She had taken it hard, and Kelsey had been helping her through it. Shoveling ice cream, watching sappy romantic movies, and giving Lauren a shoulder to cry on. The typical girly things girls do after breakups.

  

   Kelsey was almost at the door when she heard a commotion coming from the house. She saw two shadows pass by the window. Lauren had told her that she was home alone that night, so obviously Kelsey was quite curious. Kelsey dissmissed it as her parents had decided to stay home, and she continued walking to the door. Thats when she heard a earpiercing scream, and then a loud Bang! Following that was a loud thud which Kelsey would later learn was the sound of Lauren's lifeless body hitting the cold floor. Kelsey panicked, and thats when she made a decision that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

  

   She ran, leaving her friend behind to die. She betrayed her in those last few moments of her life. After she had been running for merely a few seconds she heard a door slam behind her. She glanced over her shoulder, and saw a young boy staggering out of the house covered in blood. Even in that quick glance she knew exactly who it was, and it made her sick to her stomach. Drew. Kelsey kept running, and she didn't turn back.

  Kelsey held back the tears that stung at her eyes. Thinking about that was still so hard, and it was all so fresh in her mind. She couldn't cry, though. Her sobs were always so loud, and her parents would hear.

 

   She couldn't tell them why she was crying. If she did eventually they might be the ones crying over her wishing they would've left her be.

  Another thing that bothered Kelsey was that even after she ran, she still could've called an ambulance. She might've been able to save her. But she didn't. Why didn't she? Was it the terror and panic blurring her capability of thinking rationally? Or was she just selfish, and only cared about herself getting away? Why didn't she wait for Drew to leave, and then come back. Even if she couldn't have helped her she could've saved her parents from having to find her. These were the questions that kept her up at night. Why? She might never know.

Author's Note

Please tell me what you think! I'm a new writer, and I'd appreciate all the feedback I can get, positive AND negative.

Reviews

[Schyala]

Great first chapter! Murder mysteries are always so interesting. The syntax and diction are really good, my only complaint is it could be more descriptive during the flashback, I think it would be more suspenseful and intense if she describes the eerie night and how scared she is. Other than that, flawless first chapter! It will really hook in the readers! I will defiantly read more, can't wait!

[Lydia]

Thanks! I definitley realize that I could have doon better with that, but I did write the first few chapters of this a long time ago, and it's m first book. Not that thats an excuse or anything.

[Schyala]

I understand! Sometimes we are too busy putting ideas down we forget to describe them.

[Kaybrie93]

...yeah, I find that suspense stories are richer if you begin with very detailed, normally sized sentences and cut the size of the sentence down as you progress. That way the reader isn't cluttered with words, only emotion

[Dean Kuch®]

I love a good Agatha Christy styled murder mystery. You've got a good beginning going here. The descriptions are a bit vague, but I suspect that you just don't want to give away too much too soon. By all means, please...continue on!

[Kaybrie93]

I think it's an amazing storyline! It's very interesting, and I would (and will!!) definitely keep reading :) You did a great job of delving out enough details for the reader to be intrigued, without giving everything away. The close of the first chapter draws the reader into the second. Honestly, I can't wait to read the next (and I'm about to :) One of my main critiques though, would be to be a little less wordy. Instead of using the name Kelsey so much, try using "she" or "her"... and I think if you were a little more detailed, it would just be THAT much better :)

[Kaybrie93]

...oh, and please check out my story (Dormancy Diaries) if you get a chance :)

[Lydia]

I will definitley check it out! And I realize that the first few chapters are not as descriptive and written as well as they could be, but this is my first book and I wrote the first few chapters quite a long time ago. The last chapter that I posted I switched over to writing in first person so I could be less wordy and describe things better. So hopefully that will make a difference.

[jason]

I think you have the makings of a good story. Certainly, the plot appears to be clear in your writer's mind and there's enough in chapter 1 to keep the reader's attention.

The section in italics I am taking to be a flashback - personally, I'd like to see this being more of a narrative of the actions and less an explanation of the circumstances. If you think about books/films with dream/flashback sequences they only ever tell you what's happening and this is because that's how reality is.

I would also take your first paragraph and rework it so that the first sentence is a punch. Starting with
"Kelsey tossed and turned, unsuccesfully trying to fall asleep. She turned over, and checked her digital alarm clock that sat on her bedside table. 2:35."
isn't very interesting but move your structure around and you get something like:
"It had been two weeks since Lauren, Kelsey's bestfriend, died. Two weeks since she was murdered. Two weeks since Kelsey witnessed it."
This immediately gives the reader something to cling to.

All in all a strong idea and well written.

[mariah]

Great job!!! Okay, first of all it caught my attention pretty quick, and held it very well through out the course of this first chapter. the vocabulary is broad, which is always good. It can help define each little part of the book to fit the way you picture it in your mind, so that you can portay it well on paper. Oh, and the writing style, is GREAT. there are almost no grammar mistakes and I love the long discriptive sentences as well as the short, difinitive ones. They balance the story out and it really does keep the reader's attention. i also love the intensity of it all, i love murder, mystery type books! i know you say you like reciving negative reviews to, but i really have nothing negative to say, only positive. anyway, its seems like it will turn out to be a great book when your finished (which i hope will be soon) so keep on writing! :)
-mariah

[Jake@jake]

This is the start of a great story. It’s a really good first chapter including the setting, introducing some of the key characters and introducing the story to come.

In general the writing flows, but I think it could use some editing. Try to use the word ‘and’ less.

A few specific things:
“She betrayed her in those last few moments of her life.” The words last and few mean the same thing so pick the stronger word. Also you call Kelsey her twice, it would read better if you could remove one of them. Just saying, “She betrayed her” might work.

“Lauren had told her that she was home alone that night, so obviously Kelsey was quite curious.”
The word obviously is addressed to the reader but the reader can decide for herself if Kelsey’s curiosity is obvious or not for herself. Also, I wonder of Kelsey was all that curious because her curiosity goes away in the next sentence. If you have Lauren tell Kelsey that she will be alone earlier on, then when Kelsey sees the shadows there will be a natural tension.

Jake

[JadeForever]

I LOVE HORROR of course next to romance.........this is liek R.L. stine books which I LOVE. VERY good start. IM really hooked.

[DeliriousCerises]

Wow, I really like it, the regret, the sorrow, the unanswered questions that will probably never be answered, you captured some good emotions. I'm not really sure what I can say for the "bad" or to improve it. Maybe just formatting, it might be cleaner looking if either A) you indented the paragraphs or b) double spaced between paragraphs. But like I said, that's just formatting, the content is wonderful, if a bit short. I can't wait to read the next one.

[Tsukin Archangel]

oooooo i love this :3, its a wonderful start to your book/ novelle whatever it may be :3. I truly didnt expect the murderer to be Drew so that was a nice twist :3 I'll be sure to comment and read your other parts to this story