Dear Harry - A Letter From Voldemort.

Voldemort writes a letter to Harry - from heaven. :P

Dear Harry,

Hope this letter finds you on your deathbed. I am great here. Hope you have fallen prey to some incurable disease. It has been years, perhaps decades since we last talked to each other, which, I must confess contained at least one AVADA KEDAVRA sandwiched between two successive sentences.

So, how’s life?. Are you still famous?. Do people still call you the chosen one?. If YES. What in heaven are you chosen to do now?. Whatever you do, make sure not to let a death curse rebound and hit you. I have heard rumours, is it true that you have begotten three children? (glad to see that you went the Weasley way, four short of your very own quidditch team). Nevertheless, what hurt me the most was the fact that you did not name one of your kids after me. Disgusting, very disgusting. You have forgotten your place Harry Potter, remember, it was I, who gave you that scar, which you wear as a crown. I, who made you famous, I, who let you kill me in front of a large group of mutual admirers. Yet you don’t have the faintest bit of common sense to name a child after me?. Well, name the next one after me, please, I insist. It’s the only way people will remember me.(People  here DON’T know me, can you believe that?. My contribution towards the betterment of this world  is immeasurable. Don’t you think my name needs to be imprinted in the hearts and souls of the wizarding world. I am as important as you, for the same, yet different reasons.). This will also give you the “forgiver’s look” which will make your popularity rating soar (Don’t mind if I use such catchy phrases, I have been reading a lot of Shakespeare lately..)

Well, coming back to my life. I was worried when they decided to put me in hell. They thought I had done enough destruction on earth to rot in hell for a thousand years. Can you believe that?. I mean, I have heard rumours, about this Bieber kid who has been terrorizing the entire mankind with his weird singing habit. He has the dubious distinction of terrorizing more people than I ever did in my entire lifetime. I have also heard that people have started comparing him to me. Quite meaningless considering the fact that I was a man with a goal, a mission that never involved wearing lipstick or dancing beside scantily clad girls. If I get a chance, I will attend to him personally. There have been far too many doubts both on earth as well as in heaven. It’s a shame being compared to such a muggle-born whose only aim in life seems to sing songs that lead to excruciating pain. ( I have heard people saying that they are worse than a cruciatus curse).

Back in hell, things changed, I changed. I became interested in certain books, "Fifty shades of Grey" - for instance and began using magic only for the GREATER GOOD. I took to helping people, dementors, inferi, trolls and once- even a bloody house-elf . So, considering my contribution to the world of the dead, they decided to move me and my Death Eater friends to heaven (Yeah hurrah!!!..).

Well, heaven would have been pretty dull and boring if I hadn’t made some interesting new friends. But more on them later, perhaps in my next letter. The real reason I am writing this letter is, after all these years of war and mutual hatred, I have to confess, killing you was not my intention. Believe me, a dead wizard speaks nothing but the truth. I don’t know how to put this Harry, but I’ve gotto admit there’s no better way to say this " I was in love. I was in love with Minerva. Yes, our professor Mcgonagall. Ask Dumbledore, he knew, he knew it all along. You and your parents were in the wrong place at the wrong time. That’s all I can say for now. Have you ever seen our patronuses Harry?. Although this seems totally absurd, its true nevertheless. Perhaps, if it weren’t for you, I would not have be here writing this letter, I would have been leading a remorseless and happy life with Mrs Minerva Riddle. Again, more on that later.

Well, that’s pretty much it from here. Perhaps you might be wondering what happened to other wizards and witches??. Well most of them are in heaven. Nicholas Flamel got transferred to hell a few days after I arrived. Poor brat was caught doing some dangerous experiment. Dumbledore's been busy with some other white headed guys, no one knows what they do.  And Snape, well, ‘ your-mother-loving-greasy-haired-double-faced-traitor’ has taken to something extraordinary-ACTING.(well, he does have a lot of acting experience on his resume. Doesn’t he?) Believe me, he is gooood.

Your parents are here, I told them about Minerva, they were a bit sceptical at the beginning, but have come to accept the facts. The arrival of that werewolf Lupin and that dog Sirius cheered them up. They are expecting you.

Well, that’s all for today. Perhaps, if you don’t join me soon, I will write another letter explaining everything- between me and Minerva, in detail.

Wild hisses,

Lord Voldemort

Dear Harry,

Fred here, how you been?. I work for the Dead People’s postal service- intended for dedicated communication between the dead and the undead. That’s how I caught this letter.

Don’t believe Riddle, he is lying. He was moved to heaven because he and his precious death eater friends were trying to kill the dead people in hell.. When they found out that dead people couldn’t be killed, they took to torturing them. The authorities here assumed that it would be in the best interests of the other inmates of hell to put these morons in heaven- under the eyes of known Aurors and Wizards.

Well, Riddle’s arrival wasn’t amusing at all. The authorities had to shift Nicholas Flamel to hell cause Voldemort kept torturing him, asking for the recipe of the philosopher’s stone. I think he is planning a coup. He is pissed cause nobody shows him any respect here. The other day he asked a muggle kid “you know who I am?”, and the kid asked “Who?” and this pissed him off. Tried to blow the poor kid’s head into pieces.

Your parents are here , your dad’s taken a liking for writing and your mom teaches English.

Well, Sirius and Lupin practically do nothing. They wait for the Full moon- and when the full moon sets, they wait for the next full moon. And finally, the group has accepted Snape and wormtail. Lily’s forgiven Snape. He still fancies her though. And its not like James doesn’t know. Foolish Snape, whatever happened to the bro code?.

And finally, Dumbledore keeps himself shut with a hell lot of his kind- Steve Jobs, Einstien, newton . They have, like got their own white headed league.

Cedric is here, I think he’s going mental, keeps talking about a correspondence course in magic. I don’t know what that means.

And blimey, I almost forgot to mention, Nagini has fallen in love with the Basilisk.

Scrimgeour keeps telling muggles that he was the minister of magic and expects people to treat him like one.

Then Snape’s here, taking acting lessons. He is in the local ballet.

Dobby works in the kitchen.

That’s pretty much from my side. What's happening there?, who’s the minister of magic?, who’s the headmaster of hogwarts?. How are mom and dad?. How’s Ron?, How’s Ginny?, How’s Hermoine? And last but not the least how’s George?, did they happen to fix his ear?

Give them my love.

Cheers,

Fred.

PS: Please send me a few Weasley’s wizarding wheezes if you can. Life here is getting pretty boring.

Author's Note

Well, if this seems absurd and insane.. I never told you I was sane :P.
I sincerely apologize to the people who have not completed their PHDs in the Harry Potter saga.
PS : This post is just for fun. No copyright infringement intended. If you like this and want to read letters from other people (Snape, Lupin, Sirius, Dumbledore etc) do mention the same :P.

Reviews

[Zoya]

Insanity at its most! Though I loved it, haha. This was so fun to read. Awesome! Thank you for sharing!

[TheLostMind]

Thanks for reviewing. I am glad to see that you liked it!

[Zoya]

Not a problem. Was a fun read.

[JustaGurl]

simply wow at your imagination and application of HP and the contemporary. JK would love this. the minerva part was the weirdest one for sure lol. Hmm maybe i would have described heaven as different as i could compared to how the world is here..but very nice read.

[TheLostMind]

Thanks for stopping by :). I am glad you liked it

[Nadia Gerassimenko]

That was a fun, hilarious read! You have got quite the imagination and good knowledge of the HP-world!

[Iris]

You are sane. At least, I think so. If not ,then I guess I should be calling myself insane too. The story's hilarious and the plot is well-thought out. Voldemort in heaven? In love with Minerva? How do you teach English in heaven? Who wants to learn? Justin Beiber is a mudblood? 'His songs are worse that the Cruciatus.' I can almost hear Tom say that. I'm a Potterhead, so this piece delighted me. I, myself, have written a little story, perhaps you could check it out.
Thanks for the laugh!

[Isabel25]

Oh MY GOD! This is priceless.....I loved a lot of lines, but Nagini falling for the Basilisk topped the chart. Not to mention Dumbledore forming a gang with Jobs, Einstein and Newton.

This piece got me cracking up at various places. I love it. Glad to meet someone who likes Harry Potter :)

[TheLostMind]

Thank you.. Well, we all love Harry Potter don't we?.. You should be surprised when you encounter someone who knows nothing about HP :P

[Isabel25]

Yes, I always feel sorry for them for missing out on so much. Who in the world can not understand the awesomeness of HP Series???

[TheLostMind]

People who were in their thirties / forties when the first HP book was out :P

[Isabel25]

I know some peers who hate HP :/

[TheLostMind]

Well.. Whose problem / loss is it then? :P

[Isabel25]

Definitely, definitely theirs :P

[Anita Singh]

I am biggest potterhead ever! I so love this! This is such a cool idea!! How could I never think of it?!! Could you please write a letter from Snape to Harry?? Snape is my favorite character in Harry Potter. I wish Harry and Snape had shared some good moments while Snape was alive.. Had there been a chance, I believe, they would have become great friends.

[TheLostMind]

Thanks for stopping by Anita. A letter to Harry from Snape?. Yes, I could do that I guess :). We have literally grown with Harry Potter. Ya, I really felt sad for Snape. I am glad you liked this one :)

[RiverRei]

I loved this. I'm an avid Harry Potter fan so this was very fun to read, haha. Thanks for sharing this :) I would love to read letters from the individuals you have listed "Snape, Lupin, Sirius, Dumbledore) as well as James, Lily, Peter Pettigrew, Hermoine, Ron, Malfoy, Bellatrix, Umbridge, Cornelius Fudge, Molly Weasley, Arthur Weasley, McGonagall, Hagrid, Neville, Cho, and so many more lol.

[TheLostMind]

I love Harry Potter (""After all this time?".. Yes.."Always," :P). I am glad you liked this. Will check if others have letters for me :P

[prachi prangya agasti]

it's damn amusing made my day i must say....i am impressed... :)

[TheLostMind]

Seldom do my writes impress people :). I am glad you liked this. Thank you for your review :)

[Zahra]

dead wizard speaks nothing but the truth.
Really amusing, I was grinning all the time. The bit about Bieber was the best, not that I have anything against him. And Dumbledore and Einstein are getting along, no surprises there. A fun read. Keep writing more humour.

[TheLostMind]

Thank you Zahra. Always wanted to write something like this. As a tribute to JKR. I practically grew along with harry :). She has left a lasting impression on me.

[Zahra]

I love JKR, both her writing and persona. She's an inspiration.

[TheLostMind]

Couldn't agree more :)