VOICES IN THE WIND

A bruised reed He will not break, a flickering flax He will not smothered

If

a burdened heart have voice

and they faintly groan

They sigh and groan

just like the sound of 

countless 

rustling blades of grass

in the fields 

Blown beaten broken

by the callous carefree

harrowing wind

Amongst the faint drowning

deafening sounds

Can You 

O Lord hear mine

by Neil Aranda

Author's Note

Conversation with God

Reviews

[Frank]

Has [voices] not [have voices].

2nd person -a burdened soul He has...voices, vices, feet not he have feet.

Groan is used twice in succeeding stanza, suggest this is one too many, alternate with a synonym.

He is hearing more than a few voices if it is a million, is million really needed? cannot you simply say like blades in a field, we know that would be many.

Triple modifier on wind in stanza 3 is two too many?

You start the poem with 'faint groans' and end on 'deafening sounds'.

I understand your attempt to reflect the agony of the sinner in reaching out to God, I just thought it failed somewhat.

[NeiL ArandA]

Frank .. You really made me smile with your posted comment. This is the most honest and straightforward review I ever get. I am open to constructive critique. And I stand to be corrected which allows room for improvement. Thank you for your steel words here challenging me to give my work a second look. As a quote once and always says: " iron sharpens another iron " . With English being my third or fourth language. I need another fresh and keen pair of eyes to see where I came short. Your suggestions are greatly appreciated.

I got your first and second line. Groan is a very powerful and specific word. I tried to replace the second stanza with " cry out " which is close to what I was trying to express. But I have to sacrifice the rhythm and flow or fluidity of the line. So I try to repeat the same word to over emphasize my intention. Groan is a pain or a burden someone felt from the deepest recess of his/her soul. The pain that somehow inexpressible to the human language. But the Holy Spirit who resides in the person's heart is able to interpret and express that groaning in a language that can be translated and offered to God. Moaning is another word but it's a little explicit and it could be expressing something of an external pain or pleasure other than the deep pain or burden a human heart experience or subjected to. Thank you for pointing this one out. It challenges my thought Frank.

I gave your next critique a great deal of pondering. I tried to substitute million with myriad. But though it carries the meaning. It break the flow and rhythm. So I went with your clever suggestion.
The intention was not really on the countless numbers of blades but rather on the deafening and inaudible sounds they produce when hurting and broken hearted people cry out to God in silence. There's a sound and voice they produce but since its coming from the deepest recess of a person's heart. It’s inaudible to a human ears. Many people walk this life and we see them and brush elbow with them and shake hands with them but we sometimes don't see and feel and hear the pain and burdened they often carry and shoulder alone.

The wind represents the fallen world we live in. The harsh reality of life. All the stuffs and issues we have to put up with. The disappointments, disease, decay and death we have to face and experience in this life. I try to describe everything the best I could.

Faint groans vs deafening sounds. Seems contradicting. We have watched Superman and all his super human qualities. One is his super ability to hear someone in distress. God is far more powerful than Superman by no stretch of human imagination. Those who hurt and suffer and groan and sigh are heart's cry. Inaudible, inexpressible. But God in His omniscience and omnipotence is able to hear all these. Its deafening for Superman but God is able to zero in, prioritize and focus His attention on someone like a laser beam who needed His help and encouragement desperately. Or He can all answer them all at one time simultaneously. But He has His own perfect reason and perfect time and perfect ways to hear and listen and answer each and everyone's needs and burdens.

Your last line captured the intention of the writer. The pressure of someone who already have a relationship with God is enormous if not close to impossible. A Christian can't live a victorious life apart from a close walk and fellowship with God. It is not exempt or immune to the pain and suffering brought about by the sin of this fallen world. It groans as I repeated twice in the this piece. For closer fellowship and intimacy with God whom he/she finds solace and strength to cope and live a victorious life.

Thank you Frank.. It's an honor and a pleasure for me to have received such review from you.

[Frank]

OK, if I had known English was not your mother tongue I hope I would have been more tactful. That you can write poetry in, to you, a foreign language is remarkable, that you seek to honour God in your work even more so.

I get your aim now that you have taken so much care in explaining. I know about a myriad blades of barley rubbing together in the wind that sighs with the loudest roar, I have hard it and danced before HIM in delight. I have heard it in the Rugby stadium when a player drops the ball in error and seventy thousand hushed groans meet to make the roar that is truly deafening.

I really would like to see this poem develop further.
Try not to use overly descriptive phrases just because they sound good, is the wind really:

'callous carefree
harrowing wind'

or is it the breath of God bringing all those sounds of the rushes moving in greeting you? I see the sounds as blessings, remember the Lord speaking to Nicodemus about the wind blowing in the tops of the mulberry trees, a blessing unseen, yet palpable.

I leave it to you, thanks for your gracious reply.

[NeiL ArandA]

No offense done here Frank. I need that. I don't take any offense in another fellow poet showing me a weak link in my piece. I need to hear it for my own sake if I want to improve and better my writing. No harm done. Ok I would remember next time not to used too much descriptive phrases if its too overpowering. " Callous carefree harrowing wind " represents the " indifference " of people towards another fellow human.
I see here that you are well verse with scriptures as well. The story of Nicodemus is a man who is hated by the society. He is a publican. He has an obvious disability. He is vertically challenge or short. But his insecurities and disability didn't stopped him from seeking the Lord. Of all the large crowds that greeted the Lord. Nicodemus really stands out among them. For the Lord saw his heart thirsting and longing to catch a glimpse of Him. Love to hear more from you. And thank you for your kind gesture and concern in improving my piece.

[Frank]

Amen to that.

[gabrielle]

Sometimes i often ask the same question. Is there nt.a priority lane up there? As always the anslogy is brilliant.

[NeiL ArandA]

How He hears and listen each and everyones prayer request is mind boggling. Thanks Gabrielle

[Emily]

Interesting use of an extended metaphor. I like it, nice job!

[NeiL ArandA]

Thanks Emily..appreciate the read and visit