Second Chance

A Story by TheLilBitz

a true story from a darker time in my life.

By: Alexa Ertwine

(Inspired by a true event)

11:45pm…. I lay awake in my bed contemplating if I want to make it to 11:46pm… The only thing that seems to stand out in this dark room is my empty bottle of anxiety pills on my desk. I had finished the last of them earlier that day when my folks started fighting and I just couldn’t handle it on my own anymore. I am usually a strong willed person that can handle herself in any situation that comes at her with a positive attitude, but tonight was different. I can’t quite explain why it was but something in my mind just snapped and I could no longer handle this cruel reality that we call a world anymore. I searched around the room almost endlessly trying to find something to keep my mind busy so it wouldn’t have any more crazy ideas. The only thing in the room of interest to me was my bass guitar but at this time of the night everyone in the house had already gone to sleep and I sure as hell am not going to wake them up.

I had made it to 11:55pm and I was shocked that I had made it to this point. It seems that what my mind really wanted right now was to not be conscious anymore and being that I haven’t slept for 2 days now and sleep is not looking like an option. I began to wonder what would the down sides be to ending my life at 16 be if any. I guess there would be a few minor ones I would never get old get married or find that true happiness I’d been looking for. But on the upside I’d finally be able show my parents I was serious when I said “I’d rather be any place else but here.” I consider dead in the ground to be a better place than living in a house where I am unappreciated, unloved, and just made to feel like s**t all the time. At least being dead in the ground has a use, I mean you become great soil for the earth and a tasty snack for the worms.

In my house the only use for me is being unprepared refuge in the endless war that is my life. My mind was torn… The only logical decision I could seem to make at this point in time was the way out. That was simple; I would take the seemingly perfect exit, poison. It was perfect because on the outside I would look completely unharmed besides a likely gasping for air shocked facial expression. But on the inside I would basically be destroyed much like my mind already was.

Decisions, decisions… If I was still reading the clocks correctly it was now 12:11 ironic because every time I seem to look at a clock unexpectedly it read what hour it was ending in 11. I’m not really sure what that was about but it was probably just an odd coincidence. It was getting late I had to make up my mind soon because just sitting around waiting on this inevitable answer was tearing me apart worse then any act ever could. Being an indecisive girl I decided to leave the decision to my ipod. Yes I know it sounds ridiculous to leave my life in the hands of a machine but it always lead me in the right direction before. The way I went about doing this was going to songs and hitting shuffle and the song that came up usually gave some kind of advice and I figure that its fate that song would play and make up my mind. I picked up my ipod from the shelf next to my bed and immediately after I hit the home button a notification popped up on the screen telling me that the word of the day was negligence.

Again the irony of a coincidence being that negligence is defined as “the quality, fact, or result of being negligent.” In reality this was the perfect word to describe me and it should have just told me right then and there what to do but being that I was set on making this decision my way so I continued to the music section of my ipod. After arriving at songs I immediately hit shuffle and the pause between the random song selection and the actual playing of the song that would decide my fait seemed like forever… Rainy Days And Mondays by the Carpenters was the song that played after the almost endless silence…

“Talking to myself and feeling old

Sometimes I’d like to quit

Nothing ever seems to fit

Hangin around, nothing to do but frown

Rainy days and Mondays always get me down”

It was clear at this time what I needed to do although by now I had already guessed that it was really going to happen. I got out of bead to find the most poisonous element in my house and with my knowledge of things you shouldn’t drink I figured that I would be cheeked out by 1:05am. Bleach… that would get the job done fast and good it would definitely be the cleanest my body would ever be and probably make it easier for the autopsy guy to find the cause of death. I sat down of my desk chair for just a moment just to decide how much I would need to drink to finish the job as fast as possible without the unnecessary time in-between to regret what I had just done.

I poured out a whole glass into my 7-11 Domo drinking glass and just to spice it up I had put a mini umbrella on the side of the cup just so I could go out the right way, the fancy way. I reflected back on my life for just a few moments remembering that my time here wasn’t a complete waste. I thought back to all the good times I have had. I began to wonder when things had gone down so far and when things became so hard and unbearable that I just could not take it anymore. The last real and honest smile I could remember was almost 2 years ago and it was over something that at the time seemed to be a pointless phone call but a week later became the last conversation I would ever have with the only man in my life that really loved me for who I was. To this day he was the only person to give me the unconditional love that every kid should get from their parents. I still remember the last words he said to me that just lit up my face “Alright kiddo I’ll talk to you another time ok you just behave yourself and remember that I love you.” It’s not even that the words that made this important it’s the fact that it came from his heart and that I really meant the world to him.

The final moment came where the reflecting was over and the time for action had finally come. 1:02am I was right on schedule not that I had to be but it just felt good to be right about something for once. “Bottoms up!”

I had drank all of it and it didn’t end as I thought it would definitely not as pretty as I imagined it in my head I had enough time to regret what I had done while running to the toilet to throw up all of the blood from my body. As gruesome as it may sound I enjoyed every moment that blood flowed out of my body, almost wish that I had more to throw up just so I could stick around for just a moment longer. But in that last moment a smile did come to my face wich was what I wanted all along… I guess 1 out of 3 aint bad. I collapsed leaning myself against the closest wall and as I closed my eyes it all went dark….

For some reason I had woken up in my bed and immediately I had gotten up out of that f*****g bed to see if my dead body was still on the bathroom floor. I wondered why a dead soul would still have feeling as I could still fell the chill from the tile floor on my feet. I opened the door to the bathroom expecting to see the remains of what was once a tortured body leaning up against the wall of the bathroom but the only thing to see in the bathroom was a recently cleaned white toilet and the small duck that always sits on top of it. I walked back into my room wondering what had really happened last night being that there was not bottle of bleach on my desk and that the only thing that had been in my Domo cup was dust and an even smaller Pokemon cup.

I took a walk around the house to find that it was only 4:56am and that today was a Monday so I would have to be awake anyway in another hour and that everything and everyone was still exactly where I had left them the night before. It was all a dream… The most vivid dream I have ever had in my life. I walked back to my bed after my walk and just sat leaning on my hands for what seemed like hours but was actually only a space of 20 minutes. During this time I didn’t do a lot of thinking being that that’s exactly what started that dream in the first place but I did do a lot of crying and this crying didn’t stop until 5:30am when my alarm went off for school.

Somehow between the space of time that I get dressed and got ready for school I managed to put that mess of a night behind me and hopefully move forward with my day and make it a bit brighter. 6:45am almost time to go be that happy face that somehow makes peoples day… I’m not entirely sure how I do that considering that I am just a black cloud over the sunniest day of the year but I guess out of the darkest of places can come the brightest of things… I picked up my report or English that was due today off of my desk top but being that my desk is a mess every time I pick something up a bunch of stuff always falls off of it. This time it was just a select few magazines and a picture of me and the one man that could make me smile from when I was younger… My life turned in a positive direction at this point in time.

Everything in my life is important to me in some way but nothing made it clearer to me then that picture. It made me realize that in giving up my life… the only thing that I actually had for myself and that nobody else could change but me would be the stupidest mistake I would ever make in my life because if he could see the light in me there had to be something more there.. Something that even I had to find and bring out the best of. Even in that dream I wanted to just throw up my own blood forever just so I could be a living breathing person for just a little wh``ile longer, maybe their was hope for me. 7:00am time to go to school I guess I should probably find out what’s so good about me and give myself a second chance because after all how many do you really get?

END