The Alley

My friend told me all these rules for how to write the first line of a story. Freaked me out. I'm just gonna start and see what happens.

The patrol car passed. (or is it past?)

Abe stayed slumped in the corner of the alley. It was safe to come out, but he was tired. It wasn't like he had prepared to destroy the security system at Prometheus, the super max prison for super villians. He'd just freaked out when they tried to execute him. He understood why he deserved to be executed and accepted it. Some people were to dangerous to be allowed to live, even if they were kid when it happened and it had been an accident. Abe reconsidered that defense. Sure the first time he had an episode it had been and accident - but it had cost him his family, and the second time it had been an accident - but it had cost the lives of an entire village, and the third time it had happened (this morning) he had released a super max full of cities on the world.

Accident, Accident, Accident.

Death, Death, Death.

Abe had meant to just let it happen - let them insert the needle - let himself slip away, but then he was afraid. Afraid of dying. Who wouldn't be? He didn't deserve this - not really. Sure everything was his fault, but really the explosive power within him was to blame wasn't it? He hadn't wanted to die - not in that moment at least - and then the power just flowed out of him. The lights blew. The locks, the windows, the doors, .. the guards - all blew up.

In that moment he wanted to live - the power coursing through him - he was better than everyone.

 

Now he just wanted to lie down. (Or is it lay down?)

But he didn't have anywhere to go. Two men who also didn't have anywhere to go stared at him from the other corner of the alley. After being alone in a room for most of his life it felt weird to see other eyes. Too weird. He picked himself up and went to find a different place to curl up.

 

A group of escaped prisoners (their bright orange jumpers a familiar sight) darted across the alley and down a sewer. Because he'd rather be curious that sad, Abe followed them down. A man in plain clothes led the prisoners left left right down and diagonally through a maze of tunnels. At first Abe stayed a healthy distance away, but when more escaped prisoners joined the group he found it easy to just walk up to them. He fit in easily. Who knew that an orange jumpsuit would be helpful?

 

A sharp bend lend to a large open space, 100 times the size of his solitary cell. There were maybe 50 adults and kids in prison jumpsuits mixed in with just as many in plain clothes. He guessed. The Prometheus Prison had never bothered to try an educate him. Though he knew how to count and had an excessive amount of time to practice.

 

A man in his thirties took to the stage. The crowd hushed. Abe took a seat in the back.

 

"Brothers and sisters of the new age!" he called to the crowd.

"Long have you suffered in Prometheus, some unjustly, other merely because society didn't know what to do with you. Well we do. ............. Take refuge here with us brothers and sisters. We will help you adjust to your new lives of freedom.

Welcome.. To the underground!!!"

 

It was a passionate speech. Though he missed chunks of it. He was never one for listening.

 

Author's Note

I'm new so be nice.

Reviews

[C. Rose]

I like how you play with language "Accident Accident ..."

Careful to show and not tell. Maybe you could start with the prison break instead of talking about it? Or find a way to more slowly introduce past events so it doesn't come across as telling.

I think passed and lie are correct. Maybe. Not sure. Anyone know?

I look forward to reading more.

As per the rules of "The Open Book", I'll review your next chapter (once you add it), after you review my first chapter "The Unaligned Stars". Welcome to the group :)

[MAD ENGLISHMAN]

Ok. The basic idea isn't new. ( tomorrow people) You have made a good start. I feel you need to fill it out a lot more. It needs more detailed descriptions and a lot more on the main character. Are we supposed to be on his side or against him ? Are we sorry for him or do we want him caught ?
There a few spelling and grammar errors but nothing too serious.
I feel this could be 3 times bigger.
Best regards. Clive