Prologue

The introduction to Book One: the Beacon and the Harbinger

Prologue

His hood concealed his face that grew twisted with anger. His hand vacuumed the “unnatural” flames that burst from his palm eagerly. He had to control himself. He closed his eyes as the color shifted in his iris. 

“Athena!” His voice was stern and it forced the head of the beautiful young blonde to turn.

“Primine!” Her voice resonated surprise. She stopped brushing her hair in front of the full-body mirror she seated herself in front of. Her shoulder length hair flowed like a river of liquid gold. Her hazel eyes locked onto his gloved hands clinching. She had not expected him at all at such an hour. She could also infer that something was amiss by his tense state. She had not heard him enter. “What are you doing here?”

“We must leave! Now!” His fingertips could not restrain the flames that trickled like liquid to the floor. 

“Primine! Your hands! Are you okay?” She stood, her nightgown falling to cover her smooth bare feet. Her feet clapped against burgundy tiled stone. 

His eyes opened, revealing a shifting orange and red color that moshed together like the sloshing ocean on a restless night of storm. It was outlined in an incandescent blue. Athena’s immediate reaction was fear. She again asked what his problem was.

“The Order! They come! They burn all arcane, magisters, mages, and witches!” His hands that now bore flames now approached her shoulders, but he restricted himself before harming her.

“And,” she exhausted, aghast and seemingly aloof from her friend for three years. “How does that contribute to us?” 

The question was answered as a crossbow’s bolt struck the young robed man in the shoulder. It pierced with a crunch that violated both pairs of ears in the room. Athena shrieked as Primine growled angrily! He tensed his muscles, eyeing the bolt that slowly withdrew itself from his thick shoulder. The heavily armored man that burst through the door, with another bolt eager for blood, eyed Primine with definite mission in his emerald eyes. Before any emotion was interpreted through the colorful eyes of pure magic, a blanket of flames blinded the gems that hid behind steel and chainmail. After throwing two blankets with both hands, forcing the guard to stammer onto his back, Primine’s hands eagerly glowed. A soft white glow bore gray flakes that fell around the area of the glow. Soon the wall of Athena’s room crumbled upon the lone guard. From the light of the outside, the morning conceived a tirade that aimed to destroy Primine, Athena, and all of their kind! This would be the end of all mages and any magic art. 

Reviews

[Jack Wolfe]

His hood concealed his face that grew twisted with anger. (this implies his hood is twisted with rage, the hood is the subject).

His hand vacuumed the “unnatural” flames that burst from his palm eagerly. (his hands vacuumed I'd look for a better verb. Why is unnatural emphasis, if this is 'fantasy' then it is natural. Eagerly, avoid adverbs, especial(ly)ones. It adds nothing to the sentence.)

He closed his eyes as the color shifted in his iris. (his eyes are closed, how can he feel the shift, and if he can how would you feel a shift in color, if it's from the narrators point of view, his eyes are closed, thus you can't see them shift.)

His voice was stern and it forced the head of the beautiful young blonde to turn. (show me she's beautiful instead of telling me).

'His voice stern, he voice resonated surprise', try and avoid dialog tags, such as these, the action and context surrounding the dialog should dictate these emotions.

Her feet clapped against burgundy tiled stone. (clapped implies she's doing it on purpose)


You have a nice premise for a story. I'm not well attuned with the fantasy genre, but I do whet my appetite in it from time to time. The biggest issue would be you're not in one character's head, or the narrators, even an omniscient narrator can't see through a character’s eye lids (from the outside). I hope these few notes can help you in future chapters. If you're interested, I just began a group for prose writers called 'The Wolfe's Den' I offer lessons, journal entries, and contest to help writers to learn the fundamental of prose. You can find it in the group section, or under my name on my profile.

Take care, and good luck in your future writing endeavors.

[Miss Owl]

Nicely written. Excellent descriptions, not a thing boring here or hard to read. Excellent prologue.

[TheLastEclipse]

Thank you very much Miss Owl. That is very kind of you!

[Miss Owl]

You're welcome.