The Dilemma

You start writing again, I publish something I've been scared to expose for over a year. Your move, Muse ;-*

The Dilemma

The existence of the mind

Is nothing but unfortunate

Our lives had been planned for us

Since long before we arrived

By our parents, and by fate.

 

So what use is it to decide

Whether we are happy

With the plan, or not?

It’s not up to us to control it.

And yet, its deed is in our names.

 

Why dream, if they can’t be realized?

Why must we be given false hope?

If there is a conscience in me,

Why did it not guide me in time

Instead of telling me to blindly follow

And later, leaving me with regret?

Why?

 

There are so many things that

I wish I hadn’t done in life.

If this is my state at age 16,

What will happen in the years to come?

Which part of my life do I look back on

And say, “Those were the time…”?

 

We are forced to listen to

Our Needs over our Wants.

Bound to seeking methods of survival

And ignoring our desires-

Ones which make us feel ALIVE

 

In the end, we are left losing

What were once our true virtues

And still not getting any better

At what we chose instead.

At what we have been putting

ALL our time into for such a long time…

And then we realize

Just how empty our lives really are.

 

I was supposed to be a legend.

My name was supposed to be big.

But legends start young-

Possibly around the age of 3.

My only memory of being 3 years old

Is when a director wanted to cast me

But my parents said no to his face.

Saying, it would distract me from studies.

 

But I still remember how

No one noticed my change of color

One minute I was glowing

The next, my face was grave.

I was a good little girl.

I knew only that my parents knew best.

And that I was never to question their judgment.

But how much longer should I stay silent?

Two more years, till I am independent?

 

But what exactly does that mean

For a girl in this region of the world?

Living alone in the city

Is equivalent to prostitution in others’ eyes

A female driver is necessarily a bad one.

If I want to leave my parents,

I have to find a husband.

And that just opens up

Another thousand doors of complaints.

 

Such a mamma’s boy! We must live with his parents.

Under their judgmental noses, and their watchful eyes.

I will never be as good a cook as his mother.

My customs will always be wrong.

But that will be a small fraction

Of the criticism I will receive.

 

My guidance counselor says

I’m reading far too ahead.

All of this still has

More than 10 years to come!

And true, while I have been contemplating,

The valuable time I had, I have lost…

 

But it is not just me, I know.

We all have fears. Most fear theirs.

And hide them in corners of their consciousness.

 

I am lost whenever I open

My mind to such horrors,

Each night, my pillow

Is flooded with tears

One thing I know I need

Is a selfless soul,

One who will be willing to comfort me.

 

But one such soul, could only be a human.

Another one like me.

And to ask one to be so selfless would be selfish

As they too have problems of their own.

And that sheds light on the fact

That we are all a mass of wandering souls

All waiting to be held tight

So we can cry our hearts out

Until the pain is gone, we’re tired,

And this Angel will put us to sleep.

 

And then I miss those times

When I was just a child

For who else can support like a mother can?

But I have tried talking to her

          My problems are far more complicated

Than a simple “booboo” on my finger

She no longer understands

Or I no longer fully know how to express

 

Truly, this transition period

Of going from being a child to a woman

Is oh so painful!

One starts to question

The simplest things

 

I cannot even tell if these

Are my true feelings

Or if I’m just running in fear

Like I have been doing

Since my aunt died and I

Understood the gravity of death

 

I am no longer a child

But I am yet to be a woman

Now I see my curiosity

Of what goes on in a cocoon

Is being answered to me

The hard way.

Author's Note

I wrote this a year and a half ago. I've only showed it to one friend, before. She got so depressed after reading it, that I didn't want another soul to have their spirits bought down like that, again :P But I've had my time to accept some of these issues, and to take action against others.

Reviews

[Leigh]

It could be argued that no one can be truly self aware, because if we could be we could improve our lives beyond measure, so by staying in a state of delusion we are at the mercy of fate and other outside forces, just a thought. I do think this is a bit sad and you limiting your options at a young age, Ive seen your writing, its very good and I'd like to see more.

[Blue Ivory]

Thanks, that means a lot.

[Infinite hexes]

Was that me?
Anyways, the truth in this poem, should be seen by people outside writers.
There were soo many things that came on my mind while reading this, your poem is too long.
To sum it up - F**K FATE AND BE AWESOME.
All my life I've been such a failure. Even if I'm good at writing, I'll never be the be the queen in it.
I never got an A, and saw all my friends being over-achievers, being looked down upon - that is my fate.

[Blue Ivory]

No it was sadia. This was the time when you kept telling me you hated depressing poems, so I was too scared to show it to anybody. My poem isn't too long. You just have bad memory. But yeah this is me when I was 16. You know I don't feel this way anymore.

[BL]

This poem asks a lot of questions and is very philosophical in its approach to them. I like the second stanza that ends with the last line...'And yet' because that offers an opposing opinion and an argument within one conscious mind and also indecision and confusion. I don't find it a depressing thought that we as humans are no closer to the truth in our our enlightened state of being than animals unaware.

[Blue Ivory]

Thank you, your words are much appreciated.

[Frieda P]

An intensely emotive read my friend, this struck a chord within me and made me cringe and my heart ache at the same time. The desperation and angst in your words is palpable on this page, far too young to have such burdens placed upon the soul...On the other hand, your strength shows through your poetry, you are a brave butterfly warrior my friend, I have no doubt you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. An awe inspiring read...

[Blue Ivory]

A brave butterfly warrior, hmm... Reminds me of this drawing I once made of a butterfly approaching fire. The drawing was completely random, and my friends and I tried to come up with a meaning to the symbolism. I guess this might be it? :P

[MsJewel]

I have to say - your poem touched me deeply. So much of this is so sad and has almost a desperate feel to it. However, I don't believe our lives are planned by fate - Things happen for a reason, but it is all in our control in one way or another. Have faith in yourself and what you believe. You are stronger than "fate".

Again, your poem touched my heart.

:) Julie

[Blue Ivory]

Thanks! That's food for thought. I've never thought of fate to be weaker than anyone.

[Jack...]

Siren, to even imagine this was written by a 16 year old completely shatters my mind. This was so intense, so sad and so beuaituflly written. This my friend is your heart and your soul in words and it has completely taken my breath from me. I hope you have had time over the past few years to sort some of this out or at least plan a path to your dreams. This piece here was totally amazing. It did sadden me because I am the kind of person who want to help everyone if I can and this piece made me feel helpless, as I am sure you felt. Your stardom may just be waiting in the writing field. You, my friend, need to be published. More people need to see your talent for themselves. Amazing Siren, just amazing.

[Blue Ivory]

Your review brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for being my friend, Jack. These are meaningful words.