Chapter One

She stepped on reality when she came home. It was all around her. Clothes were scattered all over the floor-all used, all reeking. She danced about, not realizing what the world she walked in was made of. She had just come home from a night out with her friends. Mice ran for their lives, as her needle-thin heels met the ground, and they hid under broken pots that long needed replacement, but were still in use.

The shoes were a gift from her first friend in this world. Her Utopia, she called it. Her new friends, they kept her company. They partied and they danced. They never discussed their problems, so she figured that their lives were perfect. Whenever they were around, she was so busy laughing that she forgot exactly how piss poor she really was.

Her footsteps were slow and careful. She didn't want to wake up her sick mother. It was late, very late. She softly pushed the door to her room and peeked in. Her mother's eyes were tightly shut. She was as good as dead. She closed the door, and made her way to her own room. She turned on the lights. The room was as dark as before. The electricity bill hadn't been paid.

Melissa was a good kid. So were the people she'd started mixing with. Just because they were rich didn't mean they were delinquents. They all came from good families-just like she used to think she had come from. She sighed as she sat on a creaky chair and took off her shoes. Her bed was full of clothes that needed folding. But she didn't have the energy to put them into drawers. She looked around at the cobwebs on her ceiling. Her life was miserable.

Stashed in her purse, she found the number of the theater worker she was taking out on a group date the next day. She smiled as she remembered the effect of his electric blue eyes against his dark brown hair. So would she stay out another day just for the sake of her happiness? Yes, yes she would.

Reviews

[KAOlmsted]

First...hello. I'm kimmer; nice to meet you, and thank you for the friend request. I'm always thrilled to read writers of chapters.

Now. Let's do this ;-)

That opening sentence is money in the bank, as is the second.

"Clothes were scattered all over the floor-all used, all reeking." --it's a minor technicality but one worth noting nonetheless. Use a double hyphen when representing a dash, otherwise it looks as though you are saying "floor-all" instead of "floor--all used..."

"She danced about, not realizing what the world she walked in was made of." --this sentence is incongruous with what you tell us later. She does realize what the world she walked in was made of. She is fully aware of it. She refers to herself as "piss poor" and the lecky hasn't been paid. She knows. And the verb "danced" in this context is a bit...light, I think, for the situation. Meh, just saying.

Love the mice running for their lives. It does two things. One, it shows there are mice in her flat, which adds to the scene, and two, it shows a bit of humor in the telling of this tale. Well done there.

"Her new friends, they kept her company." --this is how people talk, and, admittedly, this is only the first chapter I've read so I don't know if this rather conversational tone is one in which you've written the entire book, but...to my ear, it sounds a bit casual. Perhaps if you just said "Her new friends kept her company." State it as a fact of information.

"...so she figured that their lives were perfect..." --oh man, Siren, how much do I hate hate hate the word "that" used in this context...you're about to find out ;-) The word "that" used in this context is a do-nothing useless waste of space and I implore you (I, in fact, implore EVERYBODY *laugh*) to go through your writing and fine every single "that" and read the sentence in which it is placed and if it still makes sense without the b*****d "that" remove it with a bloody quickness. It is USELESS...thank you.

"She softly pushed the door to her room and peeked in." --I didn't know, at first, the "her" in this sentence referred to the mother. Just a small thing, but it tripped me up a bit.

"She closed the door, and made..." --Unnecessary comma.

"Just because they were rich didn't mean they were delinquents." --See, now, this is the opposite to what I would have thought. Poor people in my culture are generally regarded as delinquents. It's neither right nor wrong, just giving you my gut reaction.

"She looked around at the cobwebs on her ceiling." --But the room is dark...remember? No lecky.

"So would she stay out another day just for the sake of her happiness? Yes, yes she would." --I don't understand this. Setting aside the conversational feel of the sentence, the "So" and the "Yes, yes she would." I don't get it. What does it mean, "would she stay out another day just for the sake of her happiness?" Some reference would be helpful.

Okay. All in all it's not terrible, really. You've got a lot of really good bones here, and some genuine gems. I think my only advice to you would be to try to flesh this out a bit. Give us some more background noise. And by that I mean, show me the squalid rooms in which she lives. Show me a little flashback of the evening she just had and hold it next to the grim reality that is her Real Life. Don't burden me with too many details, not in the first chapter, but give me something...anything...to let me know where this girl is.

Great job. Writing a book is hard, dude, I know from where I speak, and to tackle it at 17 is quite commendable. I started writing at 12. 30 years later ;-) I'm finally finishing my novel. Keep up the hard work. And thanks so much for sharing this with us.

I hope I was able to help.

[Blue Ivory]

There is a lot I would love to say to this, but unfortunately my keyboard is messed up. So I will give you my actual response when it is fixed. Thanks a lot for helping me, though C:

[KAOlmsted]

My pleasure.

[Blue Ivory]

First of all, I really appreciate that you took the time to review me so thoroughly. I'm glad you like reading chapters, because most users prefer poetry, so it has been hard for me to collect feedback. Thank you for the double hyphen thing. I've been trying to find a solution for the since the 8th grade! I would like to state that any contradictions you might find in this story were fully intentional. I start out this way, portraying one side of her life against another, then in the later chapters, I mix them together. Other people have pointed that out too. This is what I told them. Oh and about the unnecessary "that"s :P I think that's an Asian thing...My mom and I were looking at O Level Examiner's Reports for English last year and she found a part where they said they didn't get why people from our part of the world love that word so much! Until then, neither of us had any idea there was anything wrong with it lol -_- I have been told many times that my main flaw was syntax, so a few more reviews like this would be very helpful. Because everyone else just tells me my structure's wrong. They never exactly say WHAT'S wrong with it. And lol you're the only one who's noticed the looking at cobwebs even though it's dark thing :P Now I don't think I'll be editing the contents of this story. I know it's too short to be called a chapter, so I've been thinking of making it a prologue if I have to. I'm not trying too hard to make this like a novel, as I don't really intend on publishing this. I am an online writer, and my purpose is to entertain people on the internet :) I would love to have you read the rest of my chapters as I'm trying to use all the help I can get. I genuinely want to improve. I will review you back as soon as I find the time, but I will have you know, I normally only respond to read requests so if I forget to review you enough, I apologize in advance :P Thanks again for all the help!

[KAOlmsted]

I'm so pleased I was able to offer you some sound guidance and the explanation for the "that" made me smile ;-) I will try to find the time to read further, but I'm in the process of writing new chapters so my time is limited, I'm afraid. Thanks so much for the response. Good luck with this write, and, like I said, I'll try to review more of it soon.

[Blue Ivory]

Thank you :)

[Devanshu Rajput]

It really was wonderful. I can get the scene that you want to describe. By reading first chapter I am excited to read more.

With best wishes

Devanshu

[Blue Ivory]

Thanks!

[Kriss_Rose]

I absolutely love this. it was wonderful. This felt so real and I am intrigued by her and her life. It was well done. I myself struggle with grammar so I do not have any critiques in regards to this.
I loved it and will read more :)

[Blue Ivory]

Thanks so much! And I would love your feedback on the direction of the story, as you read. Criticism is always open :)

[Kriss_Rose]

im actually wondering why she picked a group date. Those little things are what intrigue me. Seems to give an idea on the person; who they are and if they are damaged. Maybe this isnt even a big thing for the character but I am still intrigued. Are you turning this into a short story?

[Blue Ivory]

This was intended to be a short story. But a few weeks ago, I decided to continue it. I've gone as far as chapter 9. I would love to see your insight on the rest of the story :)

[Kriss_Rose]

I will have to read some more :)

[Blue Ivory]

yay :3

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

I have read this part already, It is a solid opening. You got me interested in the main character and wondering what her story is.

[Frieda P]

Geez, nothing worse than stepping on reality when you get in the door...ha, love that, so true. Great beginning chapter, really sets the tone for who she is, and her expectations. It all feels real, nice start.

[Blue Ivory]

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

[Frieda P]

I've only written one story, and it was something that happened at my school, so I have no critique as I just read from Muse...I mostly go by how it 'feels', and it felt good to me! Keep up the good work...my pleasure.

[Blue Ivory]

haha ok :P Is your story on this site?

[Frieda P]

Yes, out of the mouths of babes, I think that's the name of it, and it's 100% true.

[Blue Ivory]

K I will read it :3

[Frieda P]

Oh geez, good luck finding it! :-)

[Frieda P]

I know it takes me forever to find one on someone else's profile...

http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/friedapickle/1091078/

[Blue Ivory]

Lol, not to sound like a smartass, but I just filtered it to only view your stories, knowing you only had one :P

[Frieda P]

Ha good idea smartass! ;-P

[Blue Ivory]

lol

[Frieda P]

:-D

[Muse]

Very good start sweetie to what appears to be a very compelling story. My two cents of advise would be to read and reread. Just like poetry you need to read your words out-loud, this is how you will catch most grammar mistakes. For example:
Clothes were scattered all over the floor-all used, all reeking.
Instead: Her clothes ranked, as they remained unwashed and scattered about on the bedroom floor. This is just an example...the word "all" was becoming overly used.

Your detail descriptions of her environment were very telling, it really helps

[Blue Ivory]

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind

[Muse]

it did not save my whole review. ?? weird. Anyways I wanted to say that you do quite well being able to put into words an environment that is fiction...but reading it felt very real.

[Blue Ivory]

Well, all fiction is based on a certain fraction of reality. Thanks, it really means a lot that you think so and that you took the time to read this :)

[Muse]

it was time well spent, very entertaining...give me some more time..I will read more chapters. promise

[Blue Ivory]

Awww thank you :) And take your time.

[Muse]

Very good start sweetie to what appears to be a very compelling story. My two cents of advise would be to read and reread. Just like poetry you need to read your words out-loud, this is how you will catch most grammar mistakes. For example:
Clothes were scattered all over the floor-all used, all reeking.
Instead: Her clothes ranked, as they remained unwashed and scattered about, all over the floor. This is just an example...the word "all" was becoming overly used.

Your detail descriptions of her environment were very telling, it really helps the reader grasp and appreciate her desperate situation. Good work my friend.

[Robbie~xoxo~]

What a captivating beginning.. this definitely captures the readers mind an pulls you into the story. Your description of her misery and the happiness she is seeking is well conveyed... Nicely done!

[Blue Ivory]

Thanks so much! I appreciate all the support I've been getting.

[Addi]

This is really good, I'm excited to see what happens next. One thing- typo in the last paragraph, number not 'numb'. On to the next chapter ;)

[Blue Ivory]

Thanks, people keep pointing out my typos and I keep forgetting to fix them :/ So thanks for the reminder!

[UnderCompulsion]

Great start! I loved it! Very interesting :)