Unstrung

Struggled then settled on a title, hope it works!! More lyrical poetry.

The rain stutters sideways as the words leave my mouth.
The wind changes direction and the smoke spirals south.
Now ashes are filling up and the little scarlet rose
sits alone in the vineyard like the secret you know.
What were you made for? The image of a girl
worthy of your maker; walking this world.
And the scars break on through
my pitiful skin.
Through all the trouble I’m in.

Rejection and autumn songs; holy and frail
as the bones in my tender frame; aging and pale.
Now the city is flooding up and the little scarlet rose
bows its head in the vineyard like my heart when it snows.
And your hands are shaking cold.
They’re perfect on their own.
Delightful daydreams dawn.
When I’m gone
will you just keep carrying on?

Reviews

[Mia]

"What were you made for? The image of a girl
worthy of your maker; walking this world.
And the scars break on through
my pitiful skin."
And she can't see you're the same! And she won't try to kiss your scars in an attempt to heal them. It wouldn't but she should have tried.
"And your hands are shaking cold.
They’re perfect on their own.
Delightful daydreams dawn.
When I’m gone
will you just keep carrying on?"
I want the answer to be 'no, I'll be nothing but wasted space' but yet I get this feeling that the answer is simply yes.
So here I am smiling because I love this and sad because of what I read. Read twice, hoping I see different...no such luck!
Both times the beauty of this was undeniably.
I love that this didn't tell me what to see, it let me decide for myself. It was more like experiencing the poem than reading it!
WHY JB ( I like that, I'm going to call you that from now onwards) WHY are you so talented with words...don't tell me…I don't care, I'm just going to enjoy it!
P.S. Have a great weekend :)

[TheJordBaker]

thanks again Mia!! I'm so glad you liked it. *blushes* haha
have a great weekend yourself :)

[Tom]

This was a joy to read, I have a real penchant for poetry that encompasses that rawness of nature and weather to describe emotions and feelings and this achieved exactly that. The choice of language was delicious and I particularly liked this line:

"Rejection and autumn songs; holy and frail"

Very nice job!

[TheJordBaker]

thanks very much, really appreciate it

[afra]

i absolutely loved it ...well done

[TheJordBaker]

thanks so much, I'm glad :)

[Mark D]

Brilliant writing. really enjoyed this

[TheJordBaker]

thanks

[Baby Ricochet]

that was great. Really cool imagery in the beginning

[TheJordBaker]

thanks!!

[Rosalind Gale]

I like this. I like it because you are young writer, finding your way. You are not where you want to be in terms of your writing - but you are on the right path. This poem has the feeling of someone who will fine tune their craft, learn, read, and develop their own style - and become rich, thoughtful, and moving. I love that in a young writer.
Rosalind
-xx-

[TheJordBaker]

thank you so much. it really means a lot.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

For some reason I keep thinking "Something Out of Place". This is a bit abstract to me and I have read and reread it. There is a feeling for me of ...a feeling of alienation and a sense of not knowing where one fits in. I am probably way off...sorry, if I am. It just speaks to me that way. Would love to know the context. I have been known to miss what the writer intended completely. :/

[TheJordBaker]

yeah I intended it to be quite abstract so people can make their own interpretations. and just because I like writing abstract poetry every now and then haha. I guess the back story is about being in love or declaring love for someone who doesn't feel the same way and dealing with it. The weather semantics and rose are I suppose metaphors for a horrible world and general life.

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

Thanks!

[TheJordBaker]

no problem, thanks for the interest :)

[Brandon Mathis]

How bout the invincible rose?

[TheJordBaker]

Not bad, I thought about naming it something to do with the rose but wanted to keep it abstract. Normally I use lines from the poem itself that stand out but nothing did.

[Adam M. Snow]

Beautiful, I was touched

[TheJordBaker]

thanks a lot!!

[Adam M. Snow]

You're welcome

[...]

This was very moving. A beautiful piece for sure :)

[TheJordBaker]

thank you :)