I wanted to Smile

I wanted to smile is a short story written from the perspective of a man on death row. I wrote it in a speed writing exercise and fixed it up later. I hope you all enjoy!

I wanted to smile. I wanted to feel the sun on my forehead and rejoice in the fact that I was free. But I couldn’t, because I hadn’t been a free man in a very long time. I had been trapped between these four walls for as long as I can remember.

It was my fault, and it was my punishment to be trapped for all eternity in this cell and in his care. But care was not the word I would use. His torture, his watchful eye, his servitude. All words I would use. But not care. That would suggest some level of effort or kindness on his part. He never cared. My hair was matted and hadn’t been cut in decades, my pale skin had been unintentionally tanned by the dirt which had now gathered in a thick layer. I hadn’t showered in years and my next one wasn’t for years to come.

But he still sat there, looking into the pit, smiling to himself and at the pain he had successfully inflicted on me for years.

When will I be released? I had asked this question of myself every day since I had arrived here, those hundreds of years ago. That’s what it felt like. It had been my fault. I’d done something. An awful thing, something so awful not even God could begin to try and comprehend why I had done it. I just had. I’d killed a man in cold blood. He had done nothing to me and I to him, until his blood was on my hands in every sense of the phrase. Why I had done it was a simple answer in my eyes. Because I was told to, for my freedom and that of my families. I was prepared to do anything for the concept of freedom. I got nothing in return but a life of solitude without any contact to the rest of the world except him.

His cold, hard eyes burned into my soul as my weary eyes, that grew old in my days here, focused on the grey cement in front of my feet. And I kept praying, praying that someday I would be free. I was going to leave someday, I knew that was true. But it wouldn’t be in the way I would have hoped. Leaving was leaving though, no matter how it was carried out. God help the man that I hurt and protect him in the afterlife. And please may God have mercy on my soul. I will need it, after all I have done in my life, in that split second of violence I saw it unravel and fall in a pile at my feet.

As much as I would try to pick it up and dust off the dirt, it would never be in its original condition again. This was my curse. I was doomed to have blood on my hands and for my blood to be put on that of another’s.

Death Row is a lonely place to be, forced to think upon every detail of your life up until that point. Forced to look at your heinous act and reflect on how it has put you where you are today. One different move in my life, I could have become great. I could have become the pinnacle of law, or the greatest scientist in the world, finding the cure for cancer.

The door’s opening now, letting light flood in for the first time in a very long time, I look up and see him, the man that has looked over me for so long, pained me in a way others could never dream of. And those eyes. The cold, dark eyes I have been terrified of letting come into my sight. Finally there, finally able to tell me what they wanted to say. You’re finished. The man behind them didn’t care, he was glad. One less piece of scum in this world, one less person I have to spend my time on.

Because it’s my time to go now. Although I am not angry, neither do I feel any remorse for killing a man. Because now my family is free to live. At least they got the freedom that I had craved for so long.

But I’m receiving it now, I will be free from my cell, free from him and free from my own mind that has tormented and broken me over the years. Because it’s my turn to leave death row, the only certain way there is.

To die.

Reviews

[Hassan99]

I loved this so much, the end especially was hauntingly beautiful. I feel like this piece can grow by looking over the beginning one more time, at times I felt confused as the reader. I wasn't sure what was going on. Maybe that was done by design? A thought for you could be to do a prequel to this and maybe that would clear things up for the reader. I think that this character has a lot of layers and the piece isn't long enough to fully do it justice. All in all, a very interesting piece with a lot of potential. Good work!

[Trisha Threason]

Thanks very much! Glad to hear you enjoyed it. I have been thinking for a while that I wanted to do a prequel that was possibly the process of why he was put on death row in the first place but I wasn't sure till now. Thanks for the advice!! :)

[Robert Parlange]

Good stream of consciousness. The inner workings of a man's mind. The narration was excellent and we got to know something of this character: a man dwelling on his life and what brought him to this conclusion.

You might want to work on the formatting a little. It would make it a little easier to read.

[Trisha Threason]

Thanks very much Robert. I'm glad you enjoyed and I appreciate the feedback. when I originally wrote it, it was part of my english exam practise in high school. We were training ourselves to write a lot of words in a 15 minute span. Because of this I wrote one long block and have yet to format most of it into paragraphs. Thanks very much :)

[Robert Parlange]

You're very welcome.