When It Hits

Our minds play tricks on us. No matter how much we convince ourselves otherwise, our thoughts will always win.

I opened my eyes, unable to move. I managed to get my neck moving, so I could look at the time. Two o’clock… in the afternoon. How long was I asleep? Clearly long enough for my body to die. I willed my toes to move. Nothing. I tried to bend my knees, nothing. My bed was comfortable, but it was strangling me. I couldn’t stay here. If I did, I would never leave. I had people counting on me. Or did they really care at all? Maybe not. Maybe I could just sink back into myself and sleep for a century. Maybe then could I finally feel at peace.

I managed the simple movement of my arms to grab my phone off the edge of my nightstand. Of course, there were no messages waiting for me. No missed calls. No one wondering where I was or how I was doing. I guess they all thought I was safe and sound, living in a world better than their own. But I was not. I grabbed chunks of hair with my hands. But I am NOT.

Forcing with everything that was in me, I sat up and flung my legs over the side of the bed. I shoved the blankets to the other side of the bed. I’ll deal with that later. Now I have to " HAVE TO " get myself moving. Otherwise I’ll never leave. Never get out of this place. This dark, silent place. Despite the silence, I can hear it screaming. The darkness that looms over me, screams at me. Tells me how worthless I have become and watched it shatter every dream I have ever had like it was a the fragile mirror on my wall. Wait… that was me. Why was I screaming? My eyes were red and puffy, but which one was I supposed to look at? The mirror was in a thousand pieces, with shards laying at my feet. I wonder if I stepped on them, would I feel anything?

I crouched down and picked up as many of the shards as I could managed and dragged my feet to the trash can in the bathroom. One more look at them before I let them go. My reflection just as broken as the bits in my hands. Down they went. I’ll clean the rest of them up later. Now, I need a shower. I still have people expecting me later. A job to do, because I still need money to pay the bills. I don’t know why, I could have lived on the streets and no one would miss me. What if I just got up and left? I’ll bet no one would come looking for me. I’ll also bet they wold be happier. Saying “good riddance.” I’m sure of it. I’m to much of a coward. I couldn’t leave. Where would I go? How would I get there? If I didn’t like it, I would have to come crawling back to this place and people would just laugh in my face. It’s not worth it. I can’t face the laughter.

The water was warm as I stepped it. Warmth comforting me down to my bones. Makes me want to curl up under it. I could just sit here for days. It would sure be nice if I could never run out of this hot water. I’ll let it swallow me whole. It’s okay. I could handle that. I opened my eyes, running a hand through my hair, half expecting the person of my dreams to suddenly appear. At my weakest. At my most venerable. Just to embrace me and tell me it’s okay.

“I see you. I hear you. Hear your pain.” He says. His voice smooth and deep. Calm and soothing. But he was strong. Strong enough to take anything that got between me and my happiness.

I shook my head. I’m dreaming again. It’ll never happen. Maybe… just maybe it’s okay to dream every once in a while. Even if those dreams only calm me for just a moment. The briefest of moments. Just so I can feel something other than hallow. Other than my own soul eating me bit by bit.

I stepped out of the shower feeling the slightest bit renewed. At least my soul would get to snack on something clean today. There wouldn’t be dirt stuck in its fangs from days of having zero motivation to take care of myself.

Now it was time. Time to put the mask on and pretend that I am a functioning human being. Time to hide myself away from the outside world in hopes that it doesn’t find who I really am and come persecute me. Tell me I’m wrong. That I’m just stressed. It’ll go away. That their cousin’s aunt’s brother had issues, but he got over it. He’s all good now with his two kids and wife that is his better half. She beautiful and smart and carries the household while Johnny works 50 hours a week and is tired all the time. Screw Johnny! I’m good enough for someone.

I sank back into myself again. But I’m not. Not good enough. Not worthy. My prince is not coming to my rescue. In fact, no one is coming to my rescue. Johnny can have his gorgeous bride and his two angel-faced kids. But that’s not what the world has for me. Never has, never will. I’ll hold out hope. Because I’m a coward. I’ll hold on to my dreams of the one who will save me from myself. But for now, I’ll just take it one step at a time. One step out that door. To the world beyond.

Author's Note

This is pretty much something that holds dear to my heart. I tried to make the ultimate meaning of the whole thing a tiny bit obscure, but it's pretty obvious to me. That's okay though. As long as you like it!