For Nanny Cake

4th June 2013, I don't even know her date of birth...

A few hours ago, I just found out that my great-grandmother died on the 4th of June 2013. A few minutes ago, I had enough time alone to really think about that. I barely knew her at all, the last time I saw her was around ten years ago, before I even wore glasses. She lived to be at least 100 years old and suffered from dementia the last few years of her life, she wouldn't have recalled who I am if I visited her then, but I still wish I did.

We all called her Nanny Cake, she apparently made the best cakes out of all the family, but I can't remember what they taste like now. To be honest, I can barely remember what her face looks like, or at least I wouldn't were it not for the last time I saw her.

Me and my granddad visited her at a nursing home in Basingstoke, the day was warm and the sun was shining, I was around 10 years old. I won't lie and say I remember every little detail about the visit or that she told me an amazing piece of advice on life before I left, I don't remember even talking that much unless it was about our day, her day, current events in our lives, etc. I wish I'd sat down with her one day and talked about everything, but I never knew that the 10 year old, stumbling blind boy walking up to her door was going to see her for the last time.

We sat with her and chatted about the usual, she offered me old flavourless sweets and stale biscuits, I took one or two bites then hid the biscuit behind her potted plant, at some point my granddad put his glasses down on the table next to him and me being the 10 year old boisterous joker I was, I put them on and laughed at how big they were on my face. Then I stopped laughing. I could see clearly than I could ever remember at that point, turns out my granddad had the same kind of poor eyesight at me, I was looking at everything with renewed interest, a massive smile formed on my face, everything looked new. I turned to Nanny Cake and my face dropped. For the first time I saw my nan as a mortal person, she didn't just look old, she looked tired, tired with an exhaustion that isn't settled with sleep. An exhaustion that sent chills down my body, but she just smiled back. I'm so glad she smiled back at me to this day, she knew that I was worried for her, she knew what was going through my mind at that moment, she knew she wouldn't be around long enough to see me grow up to be everything I could possibly be, and the fact that I could see her as she saw me proved to mean more to both of us than I could have thought until today when I sat in my garden. She told me she wants to see me more, told me to get those glasses so I can at least see her properly as well, she was a bit of a joker as well, runs in the family I guess.

I looked her in her tired, old eyes and said I will, I looked into those eyes that had seen me as an infant, she held her grand-daughter's son and looked down at him with love, the same love she shared with her daughter, her daughter's daughter and both her daughter's daughter's sons. I looked into those eyes and lied without knowing it. That's my biggest regret in life.

She died two days ago, I only found out she died a few hours ago. I'm not a religious man, but if there's a heaven above that means she watched me for two days in my everyday life, would she be proud of me? I'm not sure. It's a grey area, she didn't seem like a traditional person, more one of those people who want others to follow their own path. That's what I'm doing, but I'm not sure she'd approve. She looked down and saw me smoking weed with friends in a park, she saw me skip college to hang out with those friends, jamming music and writing lyrics, lyrics that seem ironic now, concerning Death and living up to your full potential. I'm working towards being the best person I can be, but with methods that I doubt Nanny Cake would approve of, to be honest, I don't approve of them either, so I don't blame her. She looked down at me and saw an unemployed, lazy stoner, but one with a clear set goal that relies on dedication, motivation and a lot of luck to be achieved.

After I heard the news, I sat outside in my garden with my dog and a cigarette, while he was running around I was watching my lit cigarette burn to the end, I only took about 3 drags of the thing. I watched it burn away the poison that now resides in my lungs, I lied to myself and said I'd quit smoking for her so I can live a long life like her.

I can count the memories I have with her on one hand, but she'll mean more to me than any person alive right now. I hope one day I can live as old as her, I hope I can sit around in a nursing home offering stale biscuits to my family and bore them with details about my life in the home they dumped me in. I hope I can be the best at something enough for my children to nickname me after it, even if it's as simple as baking cakes. But most of all, I hope I can look down at my infant children and their infant children and their infant children and gaze upon them with the same love that Nanny Cake gave her kin, because if there's a heaven, I know she's looking down with those tired, old eyes sending that same love just as powerful as it was all those years ago.