Alive

Let Spring inside.

Have we gone too far this time?

I'm looking down.

Under my feet are insects, impregnated and spewing meat.

Choking the leaves.

Am I looking down?

I've left myself behind, to look with disembodied eyes.

To learn. What am I learning?

Sonic gears are grinding, pushing sound into me.

I want it to stop.

I'm digging now, into the dirt.

Pushing the insects aside.

All sound stops with my head in the dirt.

All vision ceases to exist.

The dirt surrounding is nothing.

Pure, organic sound. Pure, organic oblivion.

Among the worms, I find peace.

Among the worms, I find nothing.

The gears, the insects, all are gone now.

Relief, at last.

Or am I not to be so lucky?

I must leave sometime.

Have we gone too far?

The gears, the insects, all are invading my senses once again.

I don’t like them. I am them.

This isn't right.

Back to the drawing board.

Deconstruct everything.

Start over.

This isn't right; this isn't how things should have happened.

I'm looking at myself.

Looking down. Am I here?

Cigarette in one hand, coffee in the other.

Desperation in between.

Desperate to please, desperate to live.

This isn't right.

Deconstruct everything.

Meat pushing air through ungrateful lungs.

Choke them with smoke.

Life fluid inside stained by euphoric chemicals.

Deconstruction, rebirth.

The meat has eyes, the meat has ears.

The meat has ambitions, and it knows fear.

The meat is surrounded, surrounded until it was all alone.

A faceless among the faceless, in a crowd of solitude.

Dance for me, meat.

Dance and you will be happy.

Dance and I’ll make sure you’re never alone again.

Dance and I can make sure you will remain content.

Content and mindless, just meat.

Oh, God.

Am I looking down?

Are these meats my own creation?

Am I God?

Am I me?

Disembodied, yet connected.

To everything.

Look up, what do I see?

Everything, the stars burning life.

Burning existence, breathing consciousness into everything.

Giving life to all that’s here.

But life is ungrateful, just meat.

Just living.

I bury my head in the dirt again.

Silence ensues. Nothing is here.

A perfect existence, nothing surrounds.

Deconstruct everything, start over.

But I can’t create or destroy.

I can only observe.

Can I go back?

How can I, after what I've seen?

Can I become meat once again?

Look up again.

Everything is laid out before me.

Doors are open, paths are found.

All show nothing.

Nothing but desperation.

Leave this place, just for now.

For now, I’ll say goodbye.

Goodbye to everything.

A new sun is rising.

I want to touch the new sun, feel its warmth on my spectral hands.

Am I dead? Was I ever really alive?

Cosmic silence, a silence more pure than the one brought on by the dirt.

It feels less like running away, I'm running into this silence now.

The sounds of the cosmos, the sounds of everything.

Sweet, silent, beautiful everything.

A new sun rises.

Spring is here, the change of life is here.

Reconstruction is finished.

The dirt is gone, the meat has spoiled.

The gears are drowned out.

Sweet, gracious, beautiful life.

The doors are closing, the paths distorted.

Breathe the new air, breathe in Spring.

Everything is in bloom.

The stars burn life into everything once again.

The meat is gone, true sentience is here.

The insects have stopped, the leaves are free.

The gears aren't grinding, the sounds of everything can be heard again.

The solitude crowds disperse.

And the new sun shines.

Flowers are in bloom, life is renewed.

I've started over.

Spring is finally here.

Am I alive now?

I feel alive.