Irrational Despair

A Story by Charlotte Noir

A monologue short about complicate feelings and confuse thoughts.

Sometime I feel so down. So under the water. It's suffocating. It's worse than death. It's horrible. I want to cry I,.. I can't. I want to smash my had against something, just so tears come out. I want to hurt myself again and again, to rip the wounds open so that blood will flow in thin rivers. But it is not the blood, that I want to see. It is the tears. Tears to make me feel human. I have all this feelings inside my chest and none is coming out in the form of tears. Sadness, anger, frustration. They are just there, taking the place of the air in my lungs. Creating pressure. That's why I want to cry. Just so the pressure will be under normal limits again. I can't stand the pressure. It's all over my chest pressing it down, it's in my stomach making it squirm, it drives me crazy. I don't desire to be crazy, but only god knows, in moments like this I am crazy. I could run and scream like the mentally disabled people. And the funniest thing is, I kept these feelings inside for so long I don't even know why I have them anymore. The memories have faded and the feelings were the only ones left. I feel like an overly emotional person. And I don't want to give in to being like this.... I have to calm down... and be strong again. Be me again. Unhurt by everything around me. Calm. Cool. Uncaring. RATIONAL. I want to be rational. There is no one to teach me that but me. I don't want to fall... I have to keep my head cool. I'm on the edge of the cliff but I shall never fall.