Taste of gunpowder and self loathing

I hold her in my hands

Waiting for a call or a look 

A signal written in her books

To come back to me I hope

Nothing else helps

When she is not around

when she is silent

when my mind is loud

I hold you in my hands

Its cold

grey and can end it

But I cannot pull the trigger.... its been 8 times now

And I cannot pull the trigger, yet she is still here in my head. 

This is really f*****g annoying.