Truth

Looking back at the beginning of assorted experiences, friendships, and ideas I see an interesting pattern emerge. Maybe the chronology is important here, so allow me to try to paint a picture..

I stand, I sit, I lay..... I need and want..... I begin to browse... Looking at him, her, it, that, there... I know what my soul is craving. I know what on the surface appears as though will satiate my hunger, whatever it may be. I don't always know why, and sometimes it makes no sense.. It's just a knowing, that this is what I need, and I may not need it now, I may need it a week, 6 months, 5 years from now. It may not even be what I need until 5 years from now when it matures into its potential. When it is no longer the spark that catches my eye, but the flame that keeps me warm. You could call it intuition, premonition, any fancy word you feel like slapping onto it, but in the end, I prefer the my simple yet verbose explanation, because it's a simple feeling... This goes both ways you know.. Allow me to explain:

I stand, I sit, I lay..... I have and know..... I begin to see ahead... Looking at him, her, it, that, there... I know what my soul is telling me. I know that on the surface this appears as though it will continue to satiate my hunger, whatever it may be, but that other part me reminds me that something has or is about to change, that I may not have realized the implications of this change, and that this will no longer be a fit for me... It's not over yet.. yet... It's over. It's a matter of figuring out how to unravel the person, the vise, the thing from my daily life. The undoing which enables the realization of the next step...

Sounds pretty straight forward right? Well, that's all really just a preface to the point that I had when I decided to start writing. The point is trust. What is the ultimate trust? To trust ones self. Today has been a relatively unremarkable day, but it did confirm several beliefs that I've had about certain people and situations, without the facts, just the knowing. That said, it's not too often that the knowing is wrong... It's more often that I either don't listen, or I try to change what that knowing is telling me into something that I want to believe rather than what I should believe.

Well I suppose I missed a piece of the time line. I mentioned the beginning, and the end... What's between A and B? Ah-ha, too easy to leave out important details. Between A and B is doubt, and distrust.. Why? Well it's like this. I know.... Sometimes there is a good deal of time between knowing and seeing. That time tends to dilute your resolve, or if you have a memory like mine, you forget what you know. You get lost in that finite interval and start trying to take control over things that you don't need control over, and lose control over the things you should be focusing on. You start to spin out, get upset, lose interest, doubt yourself..... Suddenly, when you're not looking anymore, you see a current event lock into place from your periphery, and you remember that you saw this so long ago. Then you say to yourself, damnit, I did it again! Frustrated by your inability to hold the thread continuous in your mind, and comforted that you were right to begin with...

Chameleons aren't so bad... but.. I guess, it doesn't take long for them to become boring.