As Sleep Runs Low

So I can't sleep. Better put, I can't rest. The eyes close, the mind
wanders, and it spins and spins. I open my eyes, and here we are
again. I think I care, I think I care. Prop myself up with a handful
of ideals and some caffeine. Let's stand tall and start running.
Smile, fight, pretend, connect, let go, run, protect, go home. Try to
rest, there is no rest. Try to stop but there is no way to stop. For
every thought, every intention, there are millions of possibilities.
The world get's bigger, the people get smaller. I can't stand looking
at them. How can it be so simple? How can you truly believe in
anything? It's all possible, it's all impossible. I can't give you a
simple answer to anything anymore.  How can something so purposeless
and insignificant be so resilient?

I feel my eyes wanting to close. I feel the fire moving over the top
of my head. I hear the high frequency vibration generating heat,
pressure, and unrest. I look for a release. I need to hurt someone.
But not anyone who may be close to me only someone who's value of
living is none. Each tear, each breath, each drop of blood that
measures the duration of suffering would be my escape. It could calm
me, ground me, give me comfort. Why? Is it because I hate them? Is it
because I hate myself? Do I really want a victim, or do I want to be
the victim? Do I want to feel powerless and completely out of control
so that I can finally rest? Do I want to force this upon someone else
to vicariously participate in the sensation without taking a long term
loss? I'm running out of exits.

I like broken people? I suppose I do, I can trust them, they make
sense to me. I appreciate that their misguided attempts at
assimilation can hurt many in the process, but the intent is pure. I
trust the insane for their insanity is honest. I distrust the normal
because I don't believe in a normal. If it looks right, it must be ill
intentioned and deeply wrong, otherwise it could be honest about its
deformities. I suppose I learned this from watching religious people.

If I'm lucky, I'll fall to sleep today, and wake up refreshed, clear
headed, and genuinely engaged in life. It's not easy when you spend
the best part of the day trying to sleep in preparation for the worst
part of the day. It's all out of balance. I miss staying up until
10:00 and watching a tv show with my fiance once in a while during the
week. I miss having a week that I can spend with someone. I miss being
awake during hours my friends are awake, and being able to do things
with people.. The most I can look forward to is about 30 minutes in
web-cam with my fiance a day if I'm lucky, and maybe a day with her on
the weekend. Beyond that, it's just trying to kill time, get through
another night, listen to the same old complaints, have nothing
interesting to do, have nothing challenging to do, just get through
another night, put another day behind, get another step closer to the
end.......... oh, and try not to kill anyone in the process.

Reviews

[Carey Lenehan]

Interesting stream of ideas and reflections. Many dilemmas posed and unanswered. These moments are good for free expression and for pulling out the darker and lighter sides of our psyche. This is a great example of those dark moments where things spin out of control and we are somewhere between worlds. Liked the confusion. Not entirely sure whether to like or hate the 'thinker' in this.
XXC