Numb

I think I hurt someone today... Armed with all of the right intentions I aimed and fired. It's funny, I've gotten so used to the ideals that I lost what maybe should have been discomfort... I didn't feel a thing. Congratulations Mr. Dale, you have mastered hurting others without much pain. I now fully understand and appreciate how easy it is to tear into someone and walk away with a million dollar smile. In fact I hurt more than one person, I hurt multiple. Why? Because it was necessary to yield a result. The cost of doing business we'll say. So we've spent how many years working on an iron clad defense that would make us invulnerable and unaccountable to ourselves, so that we could march forward to an objective regardless of the cost. hm. I get it, but what lead us to believe that was a good idea?

numb...

So anyway, this perspective comes on the falling edge of the waveform. Why? Because I had no idea. You see the pain transforms from pain, to discomfort, to an idea, to irrelevant. This can be useful, and it can be dangerous. So why am I rambling on and on about it? Because, as silly as it sounds, I found myself feeling guilty. The silly part isn't the guilt The silly part is where my mind was telling me this guilt was coming from.. it was ... misguided... I saw it clear as day as soon as I started thinking, and I had no idea what was right in front of me. So it was pointed out.. and the pieces fit... and well... after that euphoric, holy s**t another layer has been removed, what now? It's premature to try and fully explain the ramifications here, but it's clear that I am a more convincing liar that I had thought. You know, if you can convince yourself, you can convince anyone... So is it possible that all of those days and years that I've run away from myself due to an illogical and unexplainable guilt, I was feeling guilty for a real something, and was hiding the true cause of the guilt so as not to interrupt my pursuit of my current objectives? That's kind of scary, because it means I really have no idea how much emotional damage I may have been responsible for in the past. and if you play that one out, what or who taught me to be this way? and if you believe in Karma, does Karma judge by action or intent, and if by action, when? upon action, or upon awareness of action? There's a scary prospect..

interesting times...

Now keep in mind, I have no desire to be nice to people who don't deserve it. I don't want to become an emotionally driven fish like most people that I see.. But I don't want to be reckless with other peoples emotions either, as they do have value, I can see that with my mind, though the thought turns my stomach. I must by dying, what else would motivate such jelly fish kinds of contemplations? All I know is that I wish she was here... I need to talk... Only to be in the comfort of her arms and the reassurance from her smile.