Returning to the Prism (Concurrency Violation)

The fragments of the day fit together into neat little patterns which draw up the pictures of what we want or need to see. Did you notice how much the process is speeding up now? It's almost out of control... I can't help but think about the Anti-Christ... There is something in the air... You know just because something is right, doesn't mean its good, and just because it's good doesn't mean its right... As time goes on I begin to believe more and more that either the truth is the lie, or Christ is ignorance. It's difficult to put into words holding two perspectives... Yes.. Thanks to my misspent childhood locked up in churches were the details of the 'end times' were scored deep into my subconscious mind by crude instruments of simple fear based manipulation, I have, and will till death have, some irrational belief that the end of the world is coming very soon, and current events are the fulfilling of prophecies that poisoned my impressionable mind... It's difficult to believe in much of anything, when all you are told to believe in is hopelessness.   So here I stand with this whole life and perspective somewhere beneath the me that I have come to know and respect. The me that can make rational sense of the world around him. The me that questions and measures everything to make sure I understand it... Well the world of the rational and the world of the end times are grossly incompatible.. What I believe in is completely contradictory to what I believe in.. Maybe this is where the split first occurred.. I think about the end of the world, and I crave it so much... I'm not looking for God, Jesus, the New Jerusalem, or anything spectacular, just the end...... It's one thing to feel as though you're all used up, but it's another thing to feel as though the human race is all used up... The end just feels right. It feels right, for right now.. Well... That's all good and well, until you speak to the other part of me that believes that we go on and on for centuries, continuing to evolve and grow through the guidance of good decisions and logic... They both feel right.... They both are right.... yet.. They can't both be right can they? .. I could invest more neurons into conjuring up ways to make the two worlds fit onto one piece of paper, but there's little point..

As I was saying... The process is speeding up... The connection points seem closer together as we fly past them at a higher velocity...   I feel the momentum behind me as I continue racing down a path that feels so wrong, yet so right... It doesn't feel wrong or right from any one particular perspective so I can't find a good reason to stop. This leads me to a problem....

I don't want to stop. I have spent way too long trying to be something... Trying to be him or her or them. Trying fit the molds and play the parts... as I said before... I 'm too tired to keep playing the game... I don't know if I'm getting closer to the end, or if this is a normal process that everyone goes through, but I refuse to crawl back up into that box again.. I need the latitude to continue expanding, and see who I really am, not who I'm supposed to be. There is so much bad around me right now, and a lot of things starting to go wrong. I can feel it thick in the air, almost as though the world is taunting me, trying to bring pause and fear to stop me so that I'll jump in my little box, shrinking the world into something small enough for me to control again.

Yeah, the world looks differently through everybody's eyes... Some views are more similar or dissimilar than others..   What is love to me is not love to you... What is love to you is not love to me..   In the end, it's all the same; we just don't see it that way... We wrap words around thoughts, ideas, and feelings that describe them through our life experiences... We'll never see the same picture unless we communicate the details of the pictures we see.. I know what I see.. I share what I see.. On the surface, what is precious to me, what is passion to me, what is my vulnerability, may be offensive, repulsive, or scary to you.. but it's no less real... You know.. It's difficult and awkward to dive into conversations like these at first, because we get so caught up in the exchange of emotion that we filter what we mean by choosing words we think will be better received, and in the end, project a poor picture of who we are and how we feel.. I have to share.. It's important for me, it helps me develop, and it helps me feel close. I feel dirty when I don't share my intimate thoughts with people. I feel clean, when they're all out on the table for the world see.. I could spend hours explaining why, but it's not so important.. My redemption is found in my transparency.. It's much easier to stand naked in front of the world, than it is to hide from it... So this is who I am, and no, I won't apologize for it, as I said, if I did, I would resent you... I apologize that who I am, hurts you in any way.. It's not my intention, and it doesn't have to be that way.. It's foolish to think that we or anyone could share the same perspective, and still find each other interesting... Our differences define us, some complimentary, and some not.. To explore ourselves and each other without reservation would enable a true understanding of who we are and what we feel, behind the clumsy ways we describe and express. Once there, everything else will fall into place, one way or another.. Trust is found in the exchange and good handling of vulnerabilities between people. I'm wide open, if you're willing to look, but I am not going to force you. There is empathy in my heart for only one person, and that empathy is yours.. It may not sound like much to you, but it's the closest thing to love that I know.. I will continue dig, until I am finished It's a dirty process. Many times the expression of raw thought and feelings comes across and cruel and twisted, but these raw ingredients are eventually processed and put into context where from a broader perspective solidify something extremely positive