Why do I Run?

t's easy to get lost in life. You run out of time for what matters, only to find that what matters is the only reason you're running... We run away from ourselves, only to come running back in fear that the ground is disappearing from beneath us..

I'm exhausted from running away... I need to get back for a moment... Every time I run, I get a little bit further away, and the further away I get the closer I get to pulling the plug. I can't be near me and I can't be away from me... I actually started looking for a decent psychologist to talk to, but talked myself out it... You get so tired sometimes, it's just not worth the struggle... It's not even a matter of sadness anymore...

So beyond exhaustion... What do I know? "Nobody wins until we all do!" IKE!

I actually started to remember some things today... I remembered why I am, where I am, and who I am with... There is a depth of connection here that has long been taken for granted... It's easy to lose sight of what's right in front of you. I remembered the beginning of us, and saw from a new eye what I've known all along.... You may believe that you stupid, uninteresting, talentless, and fat, but the truth of the matter is, you're beautiful inside and out.. Sure you're damaged just like me, but you have a depth of wisdom that's unconventional, intuitive, and fed from the same place I come from... It's no coincidence you're here, and I'm here with you, but beneath the layers of hurt, disappointment, distrust, fear, and lust, there is that core that we started with, that's the beginning of all of us.. I don't know how long I can remember this, but maybe writing it down will help...

How do we determine our worth? I have this terrible tendency to equate my worth with my success in my life. It's a terrible mistake to make, but it's so easy to do... I'm reminding you now that they don't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't make you, it doesn't define you, it's the hours and energy you trade for money, that's it.... What really matters is the same god damn thing you keep running away from! You run from your life and hide in your "safe spot"! One day you're going to be out of life and wonder where it went... heh...

So why do I run?

What am I so afraid of? Am I really that disappointed with myself that I would try to escape? So why would I emotionally run, but physically stay here? Is it because I'm physically comfortable and emotionally dying? Is it because I don't know how to know myself anymore? Is it because I've revealed enough of myself to me, and been rejected that I don't believe I could ever be myself again? That I don't believe I could ever love myself again, so the best I can do is feed me this illusion while I disintegrate behind closed doors? Can you hear me? Do you want to? I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore because I have more defenses up around everyone than with anyone else. At least with them, I don't care what they think of me. My fiance is the only one who is able to see the real me and I'm surprised she loves me for it when I would hate myself for being the piece of trash that I am.... I respect and love her and for this I can not get anywhere near myself... again, I run...

hmm... I really had no idea I was going to go there...

Who needs a shrink when you have yourself to talk to?