What Have I Learned?

1) Intuition

My intuition is getting stronger...  The more I listen to it, and follow it before logic rather than after logic, the stronger it gets..   I've seen through several situations this week, to see the end before I got there...  It's interesting.. You don't always see the how, but you often see the what..   Yeah..  The what isn't always the point, but sometimes it is...

2) Connections are forming

This week, while I've certainly had my ups and downs...  I have found myself feeling more grounded...  There is always that nagging...  That, "Does everybody think I'm doing the right thing?"...  I don't know if it will ever completely go away, but it's less relevant now than before...  I've been able to climb into some heads, and really open up and tell things as I see them without the need to engineer the dialog to get the intended outcome.  The intended outcome was simply to share my perspective and acquire the recipients...  That actually takes a good deal of trust, which is something I don't have a surplus of...  But if I trust you, and you trust me, we'll skip the positioning, and get to the point...  Trust takes time..  It's difficult when you get moved from group to group...  It's almost like as soon as you get that trust developed, and that mutual understanding, you get ripped away from the group and put with 50 new personalities...

3) Boredom

Yes.. I bore easily...  I thrive on chaos... It makes me feel, alive and purposeful.  It's odd that I love standing in the middle of a crisis, yet I do everything in my power to fix and prevent them....  Somewhere in there must be my calling in life..  Bringing order to chaos...

I've tried to change focus away from writing poetry....  It's fun!  It's interesting! It's full of challenges for my creativity, but it not my primary function at home... People are my primary function...  I love process, but people is what I do...  It's all so ironic...  Anyhow, so changing focus...  How do I make 'people' interesting?  It's easy when they're screaming, yelling, arguing, crying, fighting, sexually harassing, terribly bad, or exceptionally good... When they're just there, doing their thing, it's not so easy....   It's that 80% center of the bell curve that bores me to tears...  Literally!

4)  Complete Apathy

I was thinking about how people die....  I guess because a lot of people have been dying in that last couple of months..  I personally don't care, but you have to be respectful to the suffering of others in such a time...  Somehow I understand that, but not the pain...   This has lead me to think about the pain...  Why don't I understand it?  Is it because I've never lost anyone I truly loved, or is it because I've never truly loved anyone I've lost......   I argued with myself for a good 5 minutes on that one today...  I thought about family.... Is there anyone in my family, that if they died, I would feel that sense of loss?  No...  I mean, I may feel some kind of annoyance for any financial or time obligations as a result, but I wouldn't feel any loss..    So I stepped back a bit and thought about past lovers...  Would I feel a loss?  No...  They're already lost...  I still love them, or what was them, but they're gone, and if they were dead, what's the difference?  They're a memory alive or dead..  They have no immediate impact on my life..  So what about my fiance...  This is where it gets interesting....  Because, thinking about it, I can feel the major loss...   The emotion however, will rip me apart simultaneously physically and mentally and I would most likely die myself ...  The loss is the same...   So does this mean that I only have enough room in my heart to suffer the loss of 1 person at a time?  Interesting thought..  What about missing people?  Would I miss some acquaintances?  Actually, I would... Is that the same loss?  I don't know...  If they died today, would I write it off as history immediately, or would I have to actually grieve?  I couldn't say...  I suppose maybe there are feelings that you can not experience through extrapolation...    So I guess I need some friends to die, so I can develop as a person.... HAH!  I'm a sick f**k..

5) People fight because that's what they do, it's what they know...  It's not always because it's the right or correct thing to do, it's their nature...  hmmm..

6) There is someone that I can look into and see the beginning through the end.   It's almost like they vibrate at the same wavelength because regardless of the vast differences, it's like we're always in sync somehow...  That's a weird feeling...  I haven't figured out if it's GREAT, or if it's not so great......  That one is going to take a lot of time....    heh... time.....    oooooo yeah! and....

7) Have you ever noticed.... I guess this isn't really something that I've learned, but have observed....  Have you ever noticed, that there are some people, who's eyes, you can see into....  Like, there really is some depth....   and.... then there are some eyes, that almost look artificial... as if there is no depth, they're just painted balls of glass or something...  it's really strange...

Reviews

[ValyrieKiennan]

I think it is fantastic that you are asking all these questions. I think your answers could prove interesting fodder for some creative work! Take what you have here and run with it!

Keep on writing!

Cheers

VK