Am I Just so Volatile and/or Inert?

I realized something today...  Nothingness is a choice..  I chose to be inert, or volatile.  It's up to me..  I do have control over that.....  I can't control how numb I am, or how volatile I am, but I can flip my little toggle switch and be one or the other..  Nothingness is no more real than intensity...  Just two different sides of the same coin.  Just me...  So.....  Should I stop there, or should I start complaining?  hm....

It's funny you know.. I hear classical music in my right ear, and crickets in my left.  I hear the click click click of the keyboard in front of me, and the slow deep breaths that I'm taking.  I hear my hard drive ticking, and the heat-pipe fan on my computer blowing.  I hear the fan in the bathroom blowing.  I hear dogs barking down the street I live on....   That's just one sense!!!!  Don't get me started on what I see, smell, feel, and taste!   So what's my f*****g point?  Well simply this..  My senses are receiving subtle stimulation from hundreds of sources and yet I can still sit here in this room typing this, feeling that there is nothing remarkable , except one phenomenal women, going on in my life..   It's sickening how a mind can be so divided...  A part of it loves life, and the other hates it...  I suppose again, two sides of the same coin?

What's REALLY ironic is that the part of me that loves life is over powered by my volatility, and the part of me that hates life is overpowered by my defense mechanism of being inert.....  The good cannot win by default, and the bad can not win by choice...  zero sum?

hm...  Well as uninteresting as that may have been for someone else reading this, it was... maybe helpful?  I mean...  So I understand more of the problem..  That must put me closer to a solution right?   What causes me to hate life?  Is it just the rejection?  Is that it?  Is it, not having what I want?  Is it that simple?  Am I just a sniffling selfish little brat who throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way?  I can't handle not having it all, so I'll cry myself into a state of numbness so I can go about my day to day responsibilities looking like I have a level head on my shoulders?  If so... F**k that!  I can't change that!  I will forever be that nothingness....  Do I need a life shattering loss to break myself of this?  or does it need to be a material loss?  Do I need to go back to suicidal again?  What the f**k do I want from me?  Nothing I gain and nothing I lose is enough for myself.  I'm always doing too much or too little of something..  Always a reason to make myself miserable. because I haven't earned the right to be satisfied..  I'm a f*****g piece of garbage.

....

hmm sounded a little crazy there..  it would be way way way too easy to point a finger of blame here..  and what would that accomplish?  nothing.... more of the same...  I must be getting closer, because it's getting more difficult to rationalize.. 

I remember living with a family member (I will say no names)...  He was truly out of his head...  I never really understood what motivated the guy...  He was perpetually miserable..  Depressed and angry...  I hated him...   Even though I hated him, for a long time I admired his strength...  If he locked on to something, he was locked on and wasn't letting go....  Somehow I came to believe that strength was anger, and anger was strength...   Sorrow was beauty and beauty was sorrow....   Sex was God and God was sex...  Fear was the only thing to fear as it could swallow you whole....  Anger was the counter to fear.

I've spent a lot of time overriding this default, low level programming that I have, with high level intellect...  It's enabled me to make good decisions, and be presentable in front of other people...  I can tell you that I believe what I think, and what I believe is true...  I have tangible evidence to support it all...  It's inarguable, yet I can't feel an ounce of it..  It's a world outside that I can emulate but not participate in as an alive emotional being.

Reviews

[SpeedyHobbit Armstrong]

What a poignant piece of writing! The second and third paragraphs sound remarkably how it's like to have ADHD (as I do) with your mind absorbing everything going on around you all at the same time.