Im Still Waiting

Im making these more for my sanity than anyones actual enjoyment. However if you enjoyed please let me know. :)

Waiting

 

It seems like I’m always waiting.

When I was 5 I was waiting for kindergarten to end so my mother could get me out of that place. Age 7 I was waiting for my father to come back from Iraq.

 At age 10 I was waiting for my mother to come home from the grocery store. Little did I know it would be 4 years before I saw my mother again.

When I was 16 I was waiting for my driver’s license.

 18 I was waiting for high school to finally end. Now almost a year later and there is one thing I haven’t stopped waiting for the past 3 years. It’s you.

 Let me start off by saying I have never waited this long for anything in my life. There’s too much pain in waiting. With waiting comes thinking. Which turns into overthinking and now my mind has just sent me into a panic attack dear god please give me away to switch off my brain when it becomes too much for me to bare. Because the nights are just getting longer and I’m starting to drown in my own fears.

 For a year I knew I liked you.

The second year I figured out I’d probably die for you because I was doing things I never thought I’d do and breaking rules set by people I held the highest respect for. Yet despite the voice in my head that told me I shouldn’t do this. The voice of my heart screamed and silenced all reasoning in my head. From that point on whenever you needed me I was going to be there even if it killed me.

Then came the start of year 3. When I lied and told you it would be ok if you left me. That’s when I realized just how much I actually loved you, because letting you go without letting you know just how much you actually meant to me. Slowly, brutally, agonizingly killed every part of my soul.

 I don’t remember a time that I felt that hollow. Like the sun shined through me but no matter how hot it tried to burn to breach the ice that had consumed my being it failed.

Days turned into months. Now months have almost transitioned into the end of this third year. And a miracle happened.

You returned to my life.

I didn’t realize it at the time when you were gone.

But from the moment you left.

 I never stopped waiting for you.

Waiting for the moment he broke your heart and I could come back into your life. Waiting for the right moment to tell you just how much I care about you but its ok if you don’t think you can feel the same way.

Because I don’t believe in happy endings. I may be the hero of the story but I’m afraid I don’t end up with the girl and the glory.

I’m perfectly content to just be friends. But if I can’t figure out just how you feel. Whether the thought of me writing this about you is completely creepy or if it hits some part of you that holds a fraction of the amount of emotion I hold for you.

3 years and not a single girl has caught my eye. Because they’re not you. They never will be and I’ll never stop comparing until I know whether or not you love me to.

But I can’t find the words. Can’t find the strength to let you know just how unhealthily obsessed with you I am.

To the point that it’s a legitimate concern for my health because if something happened to you or was going to happen to you id do everything within my power to stop it. Not because I feel like I have to.

I don’t think you fully understand that.

That I’m not babysitting you.

I don’t consider it my duty or my job to make sure that you’re ok and you won’t hurt yourself. I’ve never cared about any of that. They were just characteristics that made you who you are.

The person that I will do absolutely anything for and that I’ll probably always consider the first true love I’ve actually had.

Yes we’ve never dated and we haven’t really even discussed it.

But just who you are. Your personality. How intense your eyes get.

The way your brow crinkles and your lips pout a little bit when you’re thinking about something really hard.

I say and do the weird s**t I do around you to get you to laugh. You have no idea the lengths I would go to just make you smile.

That’s literally like the greatest thing for me.

If I can get you laughing and smiling for just a little while then that’s my day made.

But despite how much it destroys my sanity to keep all of this emotion away from you. I just can’t tell you. Because then maybe you’ll just go. I feel like I’m already losing you, but hey that’s probably my fault. Right?