On Homophobic Folk, and Other Bigoted Bigots That Bigot

A rant about the 'God Hates F**s' quasi - culture and why homophobia is irrational and cowardly.

Guide:
To ease in the writing of this rant, when I use words like ‘homosexual’ or ‘gay,’ I’m also referring to lesbians, folks of transgender, Richard Gere, two-spirited people, etc..  Basically, I mean ‘anybody who doesn’t consider themselves to be damn straight.’  Here ‘gay’ is an all inclusive term, so don’t get hung up on politically correct details.
Also, when I use the word ‘religion,’ I’m generally referring to Christianity, but most of what I write tonight could probably apply to any monotheistic religion.  Dig?

WHY GOD HATES F**S

I am embarking upon a little philosophical journey this evening.  I have decided that I want to lay out in print exactly how I feel about homosexuality, how I feel about those who denounce it, and why I feel this way.  I have deep rooted thoughts on this issue, but I’ve never really articulated them to myself cohesively before, or laid them all out in front of my own eyes to put the pieces together.  Tonight I’m going to do just that, and if you’d like, you’re more than welcome to come along for the ride.

Does God hate f**s?  If so, why?

Allow me to begin by referencing the title of this piece.  I called my little rant Why God Hates F**s because it represents such a shameful extreme of homophobia that most people would shy away from identifying with it.  Most people - most people  - wouldn’t want to burst into a room full of strangers and scream “God hates f**s!”  They would be ashamed to do so.

However, I suspect that many silent people think similar thoughts.  They can identify with such irrational hate, and at the end of they day they’ll quietly support the most bigoted of platforms so long as they can appear to keep their hands clean.  Tonight’s rant concerns both the outspoken, violent homophobes, as well as a larger community:  those people we speak with every day who give hints to their prejudice without going so far as to wear the GHF t - shirt.  They might be religious, or pretending to be.  For that matter, I guess they could be atheist, agnostic, or anything really.  Either way, they’re a******s.  

Homosexuality is natural, and has been around for a lot longer than some would like to admit.  [I’m writing a rant, not a thesis, and I’m not going to research things to death tonight.  I encourage you to do your own homework, but for now Wikipedia must suffice as a credible source.]  Speaking of which, guess what?  Wikipedia says that a 1999 review by researcher Bruce Bagemihl shows that homosexual behaviour has been observed in close to 1,500 species, ranging from primates to gut worms, and is well documented for 500 of them.  You can look it up.  If Wikipedia claims it, and somebody as awesome as myself repeats it, it can’t NOT be true!  That’s right.  Something as ‘unnatural’ as homosexuality is found in nature over 1,500 times.

Homosexuality has, of course, also been present within human civilization for millennia.  There are accounts of homosexuality in ancient Egyptian, Greek, and Roman periods.  It has continued on to this very day, because it is indeed natural, and because it has evolved alongside every other complex and porous characteristic of humanity.  There were times throughout history, such as most of Roman rule and certainly during the Renaissance, that homosexuality was probably as open as it is today, if not more so.  Homosexuality is not a deviation from normality in humans or other species.  It is one of many, many normalities within our species.  

Given this new knowledge, the typical homophobe will ejaculate “Well if we say gays are OK then what next?  People having sex with  kids [outside the Vatican]?  People having sex with sheep [outside Scotland]?”  Homosexuality is not even remotely similar in any way to pedophilia or bestiality.  To state the magnitude or scale of such bigoted idiocy is nearly impossible.  If you think being gay is in any way even a bit similar to people f*****g children or animals, then you are simply…. Simple.  You are stupid.  You are insanely stupid.  You are Creationist Gas Huffing Chicken stupid. You are Rush Limbaugh Drunk With A Concussion stupid.  If you don’t believe me, and are still convinced you’re smarter than a goldfish, do yourself a favour and look up the following three words:  homosexuality, pedophilia, and bestiality.  

Genetics, false definitions, and evolution aside, some homophobic individuals tend to resort to the “Well, they’re still different!” argument.  However, this isn’t really true either.  Homosexuals are similar to heterosexuals in every single facet of life, except for that tiny detail concerning what type of person they feel the most attracted to, or connected with.  The fact that so many people over the years have been closeted homosexuals without others suspecting is a testament to this.  Gay people are individuals, just like straight people are.  It’s an unwise assumption to conclude that every ‘effeminate’ or flamboyant male is gay, just as it’s silly to assume a confident or apparently ‘masculine’ female is a lesbian.  We’ve all known people that we thought might be gay, and it turned out not to be the case.  On the flip side, we’ve all seen the headlines screaming “Televangelist Sucks Dick For Tweak” too.

Many people identify with various different qualities, be them gender or sex based, or based on some other set of feelings or values.  To even proclaim anybody as 100% either straight or gay seems a bit presumptuous to me.  Besides the fact, it doesn’t really matter.  Because as we grow and age and learn, we understand that reality rarely consists of black and white, but rather a vast spectrum host to countless shades of grey.  To make an absolute statement with absolute quantities (say, for example, 100% straight) about something that is not a tangible, acute absolute (for example, being gay) would be, in short, illogical.

Once homophobic people are confronted with these facts - that homosexuality is normal, has existed for damn near forever, and that homosexuals are average people, etc. - their next desperate plea usually runs along the lines of “Whatever you say, Science Boy.  But if any f****t tried to hit on me I’d kick his a*s!”  Oh, where to begin with this oft - quoted gem?  Let’s be clear:  homosexuals are not trying to convert straight people.  

You can rest easy.  If you’re homophobic and clearly uncomfortable around gay people, no gay person will try to hit on you.  They’re not stupid.  They’re people, and they can usually tell if you’re gay or straight or in between, and they can also tell if you’re interested in them or not.  Regardless, deflate your ego a bit, ‘cause if every gal out there isn’t interested in you, why would every gay guy be?  Also, I doubt if the flamboyantly gay man you’re so afraid of will be into ACDC, Denny’s, or monster trucks anyways.  Just sayin’.  [See how I managed to marginalise, stereotype, and offend both straight and gay people in one swift sentence?  You can too - try it at home!]

By now the average homophobe will be getting desperate, for most of the pillars of such irrational, bigoted belief have been blown away from under them.  Not unlike the priest that blew away their virginity, but that’s another story all together.  Anyways, we have established that homosexuality has existed in both humans and animals since the birth of organic existence.  It has been documented throughout history, and at times was considered rather normal.  It IS normal.  We know that nothing is black and white, and calling anybody 100% anything is damn near absurd.  We also know that being gay isn’t the same as being a pedophile or being into bestiality.  Even suggesting such a thing would betray your own willful, insanely insolent ignorance.  Because, quite frankly, we all know better.  

Confronted with this logic and backed into a corner, the homophobe will cling to a transparently desperate notion:  tradition.  Most bigotry throughout history has resorted to the tired “It’s always been that way” bullshit.  Whether it’s hate based on race or religion or region, it all amounts to the same feeble excuse to hate:  tradition.  It’s always been this way.  “If we allow openly gay people to advance in society we threaten tradition.  We threaten the American way.    If we allow f**s to marry we threaten tradition.  The tradition of marriage.”  Sigh.  Homosexuals are not trying to destroy “traditional marriage.”  Unless you’re the type of person who thinks black Americans wanted equality in the schools merely as a means to destroy “traditional education.”  

Black Americans wanted to be included in - and to contribute to - their society.  To do this they needed the same rights as everybody else.  Kinda like how gay folks aren’t trying to make the heterosexuals all get divorced.  They’re just trying to have a seat at the table with everyone else, and have their genuine and caring relationships acknowledged like everybody else’s.  Just as the fight for racial equality in the United States is not about destroying white society but about contributing to it, so too is the fight for gay rights not about destroying tradition, but rather enriching it.  

And just as yesterday’s filthy bigots are today seen as the ignorant haters they were, so too will today’s homophobes be looked down upon by their children as the insecure, ignorant, illogical, inept little b*****s they are.  That’s right, homophobes.  Your children will soon have two options:  despise and renounce your views, and be ashamed of you, or share your views and be ostracised and ridiculed and humiliated as all haters deserve to be.  Gay rights are HAPPENING, because people are getting educated.  And while Today might be a comfortable time and place to be a homophobic shell, I assure you Tomorrow will not be.

And beyond this still, deep down, we all know the “tradition” arguments are bullshit.  We know it.  We know this fight to save “traditional” marriage is insincere pageantry.  Even if the homophobes were right and the Gaygenda was to Destroy Traditional Marriage all along….  Who would really give a f**k?  What is this so called “traditional marriage”  anyway?  Do we mean the kind of traditional union Buddhists hold, or perhaps a marriage adhering to Indian rites?  Or are we referencing the traditional marriage ceremonies held in Islamic, Christian, or Jewish communities?  All of these, of course, are not really exclusively traditional to their own religion at all, as they all are borrowed from older pagan myths and traditions and union ceremonies.  

With all this messy ambiguity, perhaps by “traditional” what we really mean to say is “straight.”  Let’s be honest.  Nobody cares about “traditional” marriage.  There’s no such thing.  People care about straight marriage.  Instead of hiding behind misleading words and half truths like a b***h, be honest and proud of your beliefs and what you are.  Stand up to the world and just tell ‘em all the truth.  You care about Straight Marriage, because you are a Hater.  

Whatever traditional marriage really means today soon turns out to be irrelevant anyways, because this supposed tradition has failed us.  Go and talk to Larry King or Elizabeth Taylor about the sanctity of marriage.  Better yet, go and ask Britney Spears about the most memorable moments of her 55 hour long marriage.  These admirable people, along with countless others, can tell us a hell of a lot about the so called sanctity of this so called tradition.  Over 50% of legal straight marriages in the United States end in divorce.  How much could gay people tarnish this solid track record if they even tried?

Here’s a suggestion.  This one’s free, because I like you.  If you really feel that a child needs a married mother and father in order to grow up happy and successful, then do something to help the children of the future.  Walk up to the most devoted, caring, and hard working single parent you know and tell them they’re f*****g up their child’s life.  Let me know how your arguments hold up.  I’m always curious to learn.

Thus far we have seen how homosexuals are normal, productive members of society.  [I can’t believe I just wrote that in 2012]  We have examined how they have always been present throughout human civilization.  We understand that gay people are not seeking to destroy the idea of marriage as a caring union.  In fact, they dig the concept so much they want to get involved too!  We now understand that the notion of “traditional marriage” is a fallacy to begin with, and we know that most unions we call “traditional marriages” actually fail.

If we know all these things, then why does homophobia still exist?  Why do people still hold and promote such hatred and harbour such illogical, baseless views?  Well, we’ve pretty much blasted through the usual ridiculous arguments: homosexuality is unnatural, it’s akin to pedophilia and bestiality, gays are different and don’t fit in, they make straights uncomfortable and might hit on us, they taint tradition and seek to destroy family values and the sanctity of marriage, etc.  But there’s one last argument the bigot always clings to as a climber clings to the melting glacier.  You guessed it - God.

Ah, God.  That last bastion of a defeated intellect.  That paper thin refuge where impotent ideas and antiquated prejudices go to die.

“It doesn’t matter that none of my other arguments are still standing, or that they’re outdated and ignorant.  I am opposed to gay rights because God told me to be.  God Hates F**s!” the bigot, probably named Lyle, will say.

Homosexuality has long been demonized by monotheistic religions for a few reasons.  One is that monotheistic religions believe in demons, which is idiotic.  Another is because these religions are sick, and they are absolutely obsessed with sex.  They try to control our most private, intimate moments and make us feel ashamed for being human, all the while justifying actions far more horrific and vile than coitus.  

The “God hates f**s” argument is a particularly feeble one for several reasons.  The most obvious is the assumption in the belief of an omnipresent, infallible, personal god, but we’ll assume this laughable notion to be true for the time being.  Many religions could of course be blasted apart by the cannons of reason here, but I’ll stick with Christianity because it happens to be the dogmatic excuse for homophobia I encounter the most.  Though mentions of homosexuality (and especially homosexuality as a sin) are ambiguous in the bible, the bigot’s well rehearsed drivel generally concludes that their own hate filled interpretation of the ancient, self contradicting text is the correct one.

If we are to assume that God does indeed want us to hate homosexuals, I guess it’s useless to ask him why.  After all, for every tale of unjust misery and desperate hunger in this world there is somebody who will remind us that he “works in mysterious ways.”  In fact, if we are to take the homophobic verses of the bible at face value, then we should be consistent and treat the entire book accordingly.  If we ‘hate f**s’ like God clearly instructs in his God Hates F**s memorandum of 1987, then we must also follow every other one of God’s whims in the same fashion.

Are you a good Christian?  You’d better not eat shellfish.  The bible forbids it.  Did you prepare your sacrifice the correct way whilst wearing the correct garments on the correct day?  If not your relatives will suffer.  Have you ever worked on a Sunday?  Have you ever seen anything that offended you?  Jesus himself recommends plucking out your own eyeball.  Do you know the appropriate force to use when beating a slave?  It’s all there, folks.  In the bible.  That beautiful, inspired text that empowers us with absolute moral codes.  It is the word of our god.  He wants us to hate f**s, and apparently do all that other s**t too.

Of course it’s ridiculous to compel somebody to tear out their own eyeball if they have seen something that offended them.  Nobody in their right mind would do it.  But that’s the point of this writing.  Nobody in their right mind would ever do it.  Because we all know using the bible as an excuse for one’s actions - or even using it as a moral code at all - is futile and absurd.  Using the bible and its ludicrous, bigoted, and inconsistent writings to justify your own hatred is senseless.  Because if you sincerely believe the stuff about gay people, you have to sincerely believe the other stuff too.  You can’t hide behind the stuff you like and ignore all the inconvenient stuff you don’t like.  And so, my dear homophobe, if you’ve ever seen a gay guy and been offended by him, I sincerely encourage you to tear out your own f*****g eyes.  Don’t lay this on me.  Pin this one on Jesus, like everything else, ya damn coward.

We have arrived at the end of our journey.  We’ve meandered through problems with homophobic arguments, and I’ve been writing in this condescending, tutorial tone the entire time.  So what have we learned?  In the end, why does God hate f**s?  

Truly, it isn’t God that hates gay people.  It’s a nearly impossible reach to even conjure up an omnipresent, infallible, personal god capable of doing that.  In reality, it is people who hate gay people.  

It is the same timid, hollow beings who hide behind fantasies and fallacies and invisible gods and ancient books and invented traditions.  It is the same prejudiced cowards afraid of the world they live in and those who live next door.  It’s people so insecure with their own sexuality they’re terrified gay people might hit on them. It’s people who jack off to rhetoric about family and values and yet cherish neither.  It’s people championing convenient scraps of a self contradicting, irrelevant book to bolster their own enthusiastic hatred, while dismissing the rest of same document.

We all know homophobia exists, and we all know it’s riddled with weak, flawed arguments that don’t hold up under examination.  The most prevalent, and perhaps shameful, of these excuses for bigotry and ignorance is hiding behind selected passages of an ancient book you’ve already proven you don’t take seriously.  

I truly hope that homophobes were not made in the image of God, ‘cause if they’re right, I’m going to have an insecure, ignorant, bigoted, cowardly little b***h to answer to when I die.

Good night.