FREE HARDCORE SEX!!!

A delightful tirade.

All right.  Now that you have clicked on this lil' diddy (hoping to find pictures of me trying to lick my elbows, no doubt), you might as well stick around for a few minutes to read my rant concerning breast implants:

 

It has recently come to my attention that a radio station based out of Calgary is currently hosting a horrid campaign in which contestants vie for public votes in order to receive a free "breast augmentation" [see: tit job].  I won't even state the name of the station, because if you're into that sort of thing, you can damn well look it up yourself.... 

 

Essentially, insecure women from across this bland city are encouraged to post videos of themselves, explaining why a prize 'valued' at ten thousand dollars should be earmarked for injecting one's torso with petroleum products instead of, say, putting it towards Uncle George's wheelchair ramp or your niece's undergrad degree.  Oh, and I guess the biggest part of the contest is actually explaining why you deserve to be awarded this science fiction nightmare above other insecure women.  [I'm musing that because I'm a male, some sexist and gender specific contest rule will exclude me from running]

 

I know right now all you people are crying "But Dave, that's so hypocritical!  What about the time you considered penile reduction surgery?"  Well, that's all fine and true, but to be fair, I only ever even thought about it  because it was mandatory to join the police academy.  I decided to be awesome instead, so now I have the credence to deliver a lengthy tirade about breast implants.

 

Let's assume that we live in a world free of hunger and disease and misery, and just slap the ol' blinders on and pretend everything's already taken care of, and no actually 'needy' folks out there need anything.  OK?  Done.  I just want to make sure we're on the same page: clearly there are better prizes to give away than plastic surgery, and clearly there are better prize candidates out there than shallow, desperate women.  That being said, let's get to the topic at hand (and, if you're lucky, mouth):  BREASTS.

 

Ladies, I just gotta say this - there are many straight guys out there (and many not-so-straight gals) who like natural breasts.  It's true.  I am a heterosexual male, and I like natural breasts.  There, I said it. 

 

All circles and groups of society have their own prejudices about differing or coexisting groups.  A common question among straight males - one which is sure to cause offense to other demographics - is "Are you a tit man or an a*s man?"  [I believe in heterosexual female circles this question is phrased "Are you a Dave woman or an everyone-else-because-I-have-low-standards woman?"] 

 

The truth is, men answer this question differently because men are different from one another, and we all have differing taste.  This is a good thing.  And ladies, when a man answers this question, he doesn't mean which part of female anatomy he desires to be the biggest.  He's talking about the part of any female's body which he typically desires the most. 

 

We all have our kinks and fetishes.  Some folks find the human neck to be the sexiest part of the body; to others it's feet.  To say that you find necks to be particularly sexy doesn't mean you like 'em huge.  We're talking quality here, not quantity.  And this 'quality' is subjective, and differs from person to person.  I am 29 years old, and in my years I have met a lot of men.  I have met A*s Men.  I have met Tit Men.  And Neck Men and Feet Men and Shoulder Men and Thigh Men and Back Men.  I have met guys into gals (and guys!) of every ethnicity.  Short or tall.  Slender or plump.  We're talking about a part of a body we generally focus attention to, not about the size of any body or body part.  And it's all relative to personal, varying taste.  Dig?

 

Enough cannot be said about the monstrous elite who mass market a particular size or shape.  But please, females, don't exclusively blame the 'average guy' for these twisted visions, unrealistic body images, and disgusting contests.  Because I think that we ALL lap this s**t up, and it has to stop.  Hollywood believes that its human image MUST be unobtainable to the general public.  It cannot market talent based on actual TALENT (as opposed to mostly an hourglass figure).  We live in a world where many things have been done to death.  The reason we go to movies is because they're not real life.  Every explosion is bigger - and every woman smaller - than reality suggests. 

 

Hollywood, terrified at the prospect of losing revenue for being too 'real,' encourages these atrocious body images to persist, simply because Hollywood knows most of us can't achieve it.  If it's unobtainable it's impressive, and the female actors with the smallest frames (yet somehow the largest breasts) will always get the biggest roles.  Hollywood is banking on the theory that the tiniest women will sell the most tickets.  Kinda like how Steve Buscemi wasn't cast for the film Predator, though he clearly would have played a better part ( 'cause crazy is the new tough).  Arnie was cast instead, because he isn't an image obtainable to most men.  BUT THIS FANTASY BULLSHIT ISN'T ALWAYS WHAT MEN WANT.

 

Guys who are awesome, like me, want reality sometimes, too.  And sometimes we want what feels natural.  In our minds.  And hands.  And mouths.  In today's age, even opera singers are cut from prominent productions because they are deemed too 'heavy.'  Think about that.  Opera singers.  Who made that rule up?  I sure didn't.  And I know a lot of other guys who didn't, either.  But some showbiz mogul clicked a finger, created a new norm, and we all bought tickets to it all the same, just like every other time.  This is true capitalism at its finest, folks.  This is creating a market that doesn't even exist, and isn't necessary.  This is polling a zillion people, finding out their differing and particular tastes, and telling us that we all want tiny women with large breasts.  Or huge men with dubious penile size and thick quasi-German accents.  Media tycoons create an image, and we as the public lap it up:  if a tiny  (yet paradoxically full figured)  woman is in a movie, then we, as men, must all like tiny yet full figured women. 

 

This is not the case.  Just because an image is out there doesn't mean everyone agrees with it.  And just because some celebrities have massive breasts, or weigh eighty pounds, doesn't mean it's always desirable.  In some cases, it means the celebrity should seek medical attention.  Really, people.  I think the day Pavarotti was pressured to thin down should have been the day Don Cherry was forced to stop wearing horrible f*****g suits, and Oprah was ordered to stop pretending to care about other people.  I mean, c'mon.  Reality TV  has scripts, multiple cameras, a lighting crew, and typically does more than one take.

 

Please don't get tacky breast enlargements because you think we like it, ladies.  Because some of us blokes don't even think they look good.  I know one cat - let's call him Howard - who thinks fake breasts are ill conceived, and has met several women who have gotten surgical implants.  He states that in his eyes, each beautiful woman who goes under the knife becomes a "sick vision of Frankenstein's monster's b***h, wearing torn pantyhose and too much makeup on the wrong the side of a notorious street in a worse city." 

 

So yeah, that image of large breasts is surely out there.  But I don't always want it.  Few of us men always want it.  I have dated gals with varying sizes of breasts.  I always liked the breasts because I always liked the woman.  And not just her body.  The quality of her mind AND body.  It's about the quality, folks, not the quantity. 

 

So before you go degrading yourself by becoming one step short of a cyborg, remember: as a straight and amazing male, if I wanted to f**k synthetic anatomy, I would have purchased a sex doll.  Seriously, I know people.

Reviews

[MandaBear]

I agree with lily this was awesome on so many levels! Way to go stand up for the girls that have no so Hollywood bodies or the breasts to go with it :) Great write "amazing male" as you put it lol

[Lily Mae]

So there's hope out there for us women who are sporting natural lemons? lol.. I loved this piece for so many reasons.. Well done ..xx

[kmartell]

I like craniums. Don't get me wrong, tits, hey they're nice. But give me a woman with nice left and right split brain conversation about Camu or Dostoyovski and boy well... you get my drift.