After All

I remember watching from the doorway to my baby brother's bedroom and being so confused. My mother was crying and snapping her fingers in the baby's face while my father talked on the phone. His voice was firm and worried at the same time. He rarely ever spoke like that. Both of my parents leaned over the crib and yelled "Logan!" over and over, though the little infant didn't do anything at all; I just assumed that he didn't know his name yet. Despite the fact that I was only 6 at the time, I could still tell that something wasn't right. My mother and father never looked this nervous before, in fact I don't think I ever saw them express fear up until that moment...they seemed so happy earlier, yet that wasn't the case anymore.

 

I wanted to ask them what was going on but figured it wasn't a good time to do so, so I hurried off into the kitchen and sat at the table; my mind wandering more than it ever has in the past. Months passed and I was yet to know why they freaked out so much. They never really spoke of it to me and now, 14 years later, I still don't know exactly what happened. I was able to piece things together once I grew older, but the actual story about that day was never told to me.

 

Naturally, at that time, being only 6, I was incredibly curious with everything. One afternoon I sneaked into Logan's room and stood on the rocking chair beside his crib so I could see his face. I smiled and told him that I'd be the best big brother to him and protect him no matter what, though, I never got a response. I knew babies couldn't talk...but shouldn't he have looked at me? Or gurgled or something? It was almost like he was ignoring me or something actually...of course at that time, I didn't know that he no choice.

 

"What's wrong?" My mom sat next to me on my bed and placed a comforting hand to my shoulder.

 

"I don't think Logan liked me, mommy." I cried, "I wanna be a good big brother but he doesn't like me."

 

She chuckled a little bit and sighed, "What makes you think that, Kendall?"

 

"I tried talking to him but he didn't even look at me." I mumbled.

 

"Well…" She began slowly, "Do you remember when Logan was really sick in the beginning of the year?"

I nodded hesitantly.

 

"Um," I could tell she was trying to figure out how to explain this to a little kid, "Even though we thought he was all better, he was still a little sick and that little bit of sickness left over made him lose his hearing. He didn't hear you, Kendall, he still loves you."

 

At that time, I barely understood what she was trying to explain, even after she "dumbed it down" for me. All I could remember understanding was the fact that my little brother would never hear my voice; he'd never be able to hear me tell him that I love him back. That's what really hurt the most. I was too young to wrap my mind around all of the emotions, but jealousy still did sparked in…a little bit of anger as well, actually.

 

Believe it or not, my other two brothers, Justin and Darren, were best friends as little kids. When I started school they formed a bond and I was the one left out. When I found out I'd be getting a new younger brother I couldn't wait to have my own friend, but that wouldn't happen now. How could I be friends with Logan if he couldn't even hear me?

 

Logan and I never really became friends, just like I had assumed. It wasn't until I was in my senior year of high school that I actually interacted with him. Before that, we never spoke (obviously) nor did he even try to communicate with me. Mom and dad managed to teach him how to write and read…he didn't know what the words sounded like, but he knew what they meant and how to draw them on paper. He was smarter than I would've guessed, yet, I still didn't write to him or email him or even bother with him. I couldn't tell if it was from fear of how different he was or because the bitterness that might have still lingered from when I was younger…either way, I was wrong for figuring that in both situations.

 

I was the "bad kid" in school. I'd cut classes whenever I felt like it and nearly failed the 10th grade. It wasn't because I was stupid or incapable of anything; it was all because I didn't want to do the work. I felt like everything was almost a waste of my time or whatever…I just couldn't wait to graduate and start my life for real as a chef in New York City.

On my way to biology one day I glanced through the principal's office window to see Logan sitting there crying with a group of much bigger and older looking boys surrounding him. He seemed absolutely terrified. Although no one told me what happened, I already had an idea. Logan was in the youngest grade at the school but along with that he was deaf and mute…I think you understand what I'm getting at here.

 

As much as I wanted to keep walking, I couldn't. I made a promise to Logan and I wasn't about to break it now. Without any hesitation, I dashed into the office, causing everyone to go silent. Mr. Jackson snarled at me and signaled for me to leave, but I stayed there and turned to Logan.

 

"Get up, we're leaving." I said. Naturally, Logan didn't respond, and that's when I remembered that he couldn't hear what I was saying. I grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the office.

 

"Stay here, okay, I'll be right bac�""I stopped midway through my sentence and sighed. How was I supposed to tell him what to do if I couldn't get him to listen to me no matter how hard I tried?

 

Logan nodded anyways and stayed put. Before I walked back into the office I looked at him with a puzzled expression for a moment, though, all he did was wipe his eyes with the long sleeves to the sweater he had worn to school that day in response.

 

I shut the door behind me when I went into the office, turning right to the group of jocks, "Listen," I tried to keep my cool, "That's my baby brother that you're messing with…he has enough s**t going on in his life right now and the last thing he needs is for you guys to make things worse."

 

One of them opened their mouth to speak but I stopped him, "Just leave him alone."

 

"And if not?" The tallest one snickered.

 

I chuckled, "What are we? Seven? Just back off, okay?" There was no way I was going to argue with a bunch of immature football players at that moment.

 

I didn't even allow the principal to step in because before he was able to, I walked out and put my arm around Logan, directing him to my car so I could drive us home. I walked him to the car carefully so he wouldn't bump into anything or get lost. Despite the fact he was still hiccupping from the previous crying, he giggled a little bit. The second we got into the car, before I started it up, he took out a little notepad and scribbled down, "I'm deaf…not blind."

 

I blushed and realized that I was just acting as if he couldn't see or something. I felt kinda stupid after that.

 

"You don't have to treat me differently, Kendall." He added to the paper.

 

"How do you even know what I'm saying?"

 

"I read your lips." He answered.

 

I nodded a little bit, "Okay…don't you do that sign-hand-thingy too?"

 

Logan laughed and wrote down, "Sign-language? Yes. It's easier for me to do that. I have to pay a lot of attention to read lips."

 

As much as I wished we had one of those movie scenes where we'd run into each other's arms and notice that we were meant to be brothers all along, it wasn't like that at all. I felt like I was talking to a stranger and he was my brother. I was disappointed in myself for letting this happen in the first place. There was silence for most of the ride home and could practically feel the tension between us. I didn't blame him, though. I deserted him for something that he couldn't control. It wasn't his fault that he became deaf and that wasn't even a valid reason for me to just push him out of my life either.

 

We sat in the parking lot to our house for at least five minutes before we both realized that we were home in the first place. His mind must've been wandering as much as mine was because we both seemed clearly out of it. I was curious though as to what had gone on before I came into the office earlier.

 

"What happened?"

 

Logan looked at me with a blank expression.

 

"Like...why were you in the office?"

 

He took a little bit longer to write back to me this time. I could see the pain in his eyes and it broke my heart. Why couldn't have I been there sooner? Maybe I could have prevented this.

 

"Those guys in the office were harassing me in the hallways. They kept sneaking up on me and pushing me around because…" He stopped writing and looked away from me. Tears formed in his cocoa brown eyes as he sniffled and choked back a strangled sob.

 

"B-because what?" I felt so bad. So incredibly bad.

 

"Because I can't hear them. If they come up behind me I'd have no way of knowing until after I've been slammed into a locker. And no one cares…no one thinks to see if I'm okay or even let me know that they're, they are all too busy laughing instead."

 

I could've just let him read my lips for this response, but I wanted him to be able to hold onto it forever, so I snatched the notepad and pen and wrote back to him.

 

"Logan, I was so wrong to just ignore you all of this time…you're my baby brother and I'm promising to you right now that I will love, protect, and care about you forever. Those jackasses won't ever put a hand on you again because I'll be by your side next time."

 

Logan started to cry again but this time they appeared to be tears of happiness. He innocently and shyly hugged me and once we pulled away he put his hand to his chin, smiling and writing to me.

 

"That means thank you in sign-language."

 

I put my two middle fingers down and the stuck the others out, "and this means I love you. Mom taught me when you were a baby."

 

Maybe I did get a best friend after all...

Author's Note

I've been learning ASL so I decided to write a story that focused on a deaf character. ASL a beautiful language and I'm so happy that I'm learning it :) anyways...I hope you enjoyed reading this and give me some feedback as well.