Love to the Grey skies

jus a heart break poem i scribbled up

Why'd you go? you know that i want you, you know that i need you, now you've got me feelin sick.

" I told you it's over, I don't love you anymore ... im sorry. "

We both know that i need you, with out you lifes a b***h.

Time will tell, that we were meant to be...

With weary eyes one day i hope you'll see.

I remember days, holding you in my arms.

Who will i hold now, who will love me for who i am??

" You dont have to feel that way. "

I cant help but feel this way. Why are you backing awaaaaaay!!!

With tears in my eyes i cant believe, i cant believe youd even do this to me.

Running awaaaay!! From this paaaaain!!! Now i know that it's time for chaaaaaaange!

" We've grown apart .... this is change."

I will go, Pass the moon!!! 4 uuuuuuuu!!!!! .... Just give me a chance.

" You have to leave, please just leave. "

So tell me, please, just tell me what to doo???

" Get out! "

What?? " Stop your begging and get out!! "

 

You think that ive got to take this??!!!

" You need help!" did u think id really fake this???!!!!!!!!!!

" Let go of my arm, you're hurting me!!"

Enough!!! Ive had enough!! This - s***s - throughhhhhhh!!!!!

Fuckkkk this life cause all i think about is meeeee andd youuuuuuu!!! ...

Laaaaast goodbye , cause its over! Because we are oveeeeeeeraaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!

 

" Down town police department. " 

" Ouuuch, he wont let go of me."

Ill turn the skies grey, No - more - bluuuuuuuuuuuuueee!!!!!!!!!!!!

                  FUUUUCK!!!! ME??? JUST!!!!! DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

  " Hello? Helloo? ... We got to get some help down there now!"

 

Reviews

[Cristiana Joy]

I understand what SincerelyYourProxy is saying, but I could feel your anger, hurt and desperation. I think the elongated words are a bit contrived, that's why it feels like a song. Here's a helpful hint from a former singer.... When you elongate a word, elongate the vowel. For instance, you can't say "channnnnnnnge" (which would have a lot of nah-nah-nah-nah-nah sounds), but you can say "chaaaaaaaaaange."

The other issue I have is that your rhythm seems all over the place; it needs a little consistency to work better. Essentially, I like the concept, but the execution could be a little better.

[Victoria PoetryBunny]

A heartbreaking and emotionally touching, wrecking piece. You wrote the story well in this poem with all of that feeling. The conversational quotes within it made it even more.

[CatOfOrion]

This seemed to be a song, and-not to be too harsh- one that didn't successfully portray the pain one so plainly spoke of. It was telling, while reading I felt an absence of connection. It needs to be polished up is all, maybe more variety of diction? Song or poem, it still didn't give the feel of ones heartbreak- it just plainly told of one.
I hope I'm not being too harsh, I'm just giving my honest opinion.