Katrina, 33

Chapter 21

Katrina, 33

        … I’m still trying to rebound from the joke I made about a minute ago, but I’m pretty sure the damage is done. I still can’t believe those words came out of my mouth. Even for me, someone who practices and appreciates the art of raunchy and dark humor, that was just downright bad. 

“So, you’re an attorney?” I ask, certain that I’ve already asked her this, but needing to say something, anything in hopes of recovering the lost momentum. She nods, but doesn’t say anything else. Things had been going well to this point. She’s sweet, gorgeous, funny, flirtatious, successful �" qualities that I’m looking for in a life partner �" but everything changed the second those words escaped me. Now she’s gone silent, and her eyes are staring across at me in fierce judgment and I can’t blame her. If someone I was out with ever said something so wildly crude and inappropriate, I’d be judging them too, in my minivan on the way out here as fast as possible. 

What the hell was I thinking? I tried to bite my tongue �" but for a moment it felt like I lost all control of my body,  like whatever cord connects my brain to my lips came unplugged, and the words just started spewing out of me despite every piece of my being silently screaming at my mouth to squelch itself.

But… she hasn’t left yet. She hasn’t said anything yet… 

“That must be interesting…” I say, hoping that it will cue her to start talking �" but she just stares at me as if still in shock. After the most awkward and uncomfortable silence I’ve ever experienced, she finally opens her mouth and says, “What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?” 

I shrug, not knowing what the hell she’s talking about. 

“A wet nose,” she says, bursting out in raucous laughter. I can’t help but join her. 

“How about this one? What's the difference between hungry and horny?” She pauses, “Where you stick the cucumber.” 

Suddenly everything’s changed, and now I can add to her list of adorably affectionate qualities that she too appreciates the raunchier side of humor. Rebound successful �" and now she’s off to the races, apparently trying to one-up me. I’m not sure she can, but let’s see how she does. 

“Did you hear the one about…” 

><><>< 

       I’m not sure I’ve ever been more mortified than I am at this moment. Things have taken a drastic turn since I opened the floodgates, and I’m more than a little concerned about the direction this “conversation” is heading. 

It started off with a few dirty jokes, and I appreciate a little bit of low-brow, disgusting humor as much as the next guy �" but I’m not sure I can hang with Katrina, both in a literal and figurative sense. I’m becoming increasingly aware of the dark turn this night has taken �" the last joke teetered a line that I’m not willing to cross, a line no one should cross, and now I need to get the hell out of here before things get any… 

        “I got one,” she says interrupting my train of thought, and then she tells the single most repulsive, racist, offensive joke I’ve ever heard in my life here, one that I will not dare repeat. A joke that makes me disgusted that I belong to the same species as this individual.

       “You know what,” I say, already on my feet and half out of the booth, “I have to go.”  

       “Why?” She asks, looking beyond stupefied, “Was it something I said?” 

><><>< 

       I leave the restaurant in a state of repulsion and am heading to my car, but freeze when I witness something beautiful. No more than twenty feet down the road, there’s a man down on one knee, proposing. The woman looks so excited and her scream of “Yes! Yes! Yes!” echoes in the night.

The hug, kiss, cheer and roar �" then dance in the streetlight with no music playing. 

As bitter as I am over my own lack of success in finding someone, I’m genuinely happy for them. It’s a magical moment, and I stand here in a trance as I watch them. It’s evidence that love is real, that people out there are finding their own version of “The One”, and that if they can do it, so can I. It’s a sign from the universe. 

As I move closer to the newly betrothed couple, ready to congratulate them, their familiar faces come into focus and I can’t believe who it is... the couple from the café �" the unemployed felon and his gorgeous engineer, getting engaged after less than a month together �" and with the sight of them I’m longer just bitter. I was furious, resentful, scornful. There they were, finding love and happiness, getting engaged, dancing on the sidewalk, and I’d just had dinner with Hitler.

><><><

Was it something I said? How could someone be so blatantly ignorant? And that look on her face, I just can’t get it out of my head. I’m starting to wonder where I’m going wrong in all this. I still think she’s out there, the girl of my dreams �" but I can’t help but question when I’m going to find her, and how many racists, borderline-psychotics, gloating, anti-dog, Wiccan extremists, swingers, bathroom prom queens, and horse laughers �" all parading as normal women I’m going to have to go through to find her. 

The universe isn’t pointing and laughing at me anymore. It’s giving me the middle finger.