Layla, 28

Chapter 14

Layla, 28 

I sometimes daydream about what my life would be like if I was a math teacher.

I’ve done this with all the other subjects as well. I’ve gone entire days where all I could think about was getting up in the morning and being Mister Thomas, science teacher and living through the daily minutiae of going to school and putting on my white lab coat, standing in front of my classroom that has Einstein posters on the walls next to periodic tables; tables with graduated cylinders and flasks, microscopes and Bunsen burners and I’d stand there teaching crazy lab experiments, and watching over my students as they dissect weird things, and I’d say things like “Great hypothesis” and I’d tell science jokes like “Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make everything up” and I’d crack myself up. Then I’d go home at night and watch some science-y show. 

Like all subjects other than English, it wouldn’t be the most natural fit for me, but it doesn’t sound like such a bad life �" all except math. I struggle to envision that lifestyle where all you talk about all day is numbers, where everything is concrete and can be boiled down to an equation, and there’s a right or wrong answer for it all. It sounds so boring, so tedious and dull. 

But while I struggle to see myself in that role, there’s parts of that lifestyle I spend a lot of time thinking about, maybe a few I’d even enjoy. I think about the math-related lines I’d say a thousand times to my students. After more than three years as an English teacher, I’ve built a strong repertoire of phrases that I use constantly. Of course, there are some that all teachers use no matter what they teach �" but there’s some that are almost entirely exclusive to one particular class. In English, it’s things like, “Explain your metacognition,” or, “Consider the author’s purpose,” or when a student asks if they can go to the bathroom and you hit them with the oldest zinger in the book, “I don’t know, can you?” Sure, you could use these in other classes, but if you were to hear those, you’d automatically think of English class.

What would Mister Thomas, math teacher say? I’d no doubt borrow from some of my former math teachers and recycle their classics - like Mister Coppel, my high school algebra teacher, with his coke bottle lenses that magnified his lazy eyes so immensely that he could make two people on opposite sides of the room certain he was seeing everything they were doing. He used to laugh every time he referred to solving a problem as being “easy as pi”, which I’d definitely use. I’d say things like, “Simplify your fraction,” and, “Show your work.” I’d even learn corny math jokes and I’d chuckle to myself every time I threw out a whopper like “Why was the math book so sad? Because it was filled with problems.” 

But what I’d enjoy the most, which should probably come as no surprise, is writing word problems. Mine wouldn’t be the usual, “Sallie has three apples and Jake has two bananas. How much fruit do Sallie and Jake have combined?” That’s boring. Mine would be filled with beautiful alliterations, rhymes, interesting synonyms, and literary and sound devices. I wonder what my students would do with this one… 

Sallie Mcnally possesses three Fuji apples, and her fiercest friend Jake Blake, for whom her heart aches, has in his grasp the beautiful bounty of two bananas. Were they to combine their fruit for a feast or festival, how many succulent sprouts from the earth do they collectively boast? 

Well, maybe that’s a bit excessive on the word play, but sometimes I’d base my word problems on real events, actual scenarios I find myself in, such as tonight’s situation which, in math form, would look a lot like this. 

Mister Thomas is out with a girl tonight. Mister Thomas loves to do karaoke, but Mister Thomas can only do karaoke after he’s had a few drinks. If the likelihood of Mister Thomas doing karaoke increases by 25% after each drink, what are the odds that Mister Thomas does karaoke if he’s already had two drinks tonight? 

    A simple problem to start off with, and I’m sure most of the students would answer correctly, that Mister Thomas will perform karaoke 50% of the time. But that’s not real life �" life isn’t always so simple. There are extenuating circumstances at play, things missing from the equation that make this problem more complex. So, let’s see how they’d do with this one. 

Mister Thomas is out with a girl tonight. Mister Thomas loves to do karaoke, but Mister Thomas can only do karaoke after he’s had a few drinks. Under normal circumstances, Mister Thomas’ likelihood of doing karaoke increases by 25% after each drink, however, if the girl Mister Thomas is out with has a name that appears in a popular song, the likelihood of him performing that song increases 50% per drink. Mr. Thomas’ date’s name is Layla. What are the odds that Mister Thomas performs the song Layla tonight? 

After sifting through the erroneous details of “normal circumstances”, they’d arrive at 100%. But again, that’s not real life. There are variables at work here, things that make this equation so complex that I’m not even sure Mister Thomas, math teacher would know how to solve it.

Variable one: Even though I’m not a particularly great singer, there’s something about having the confidence to get up there in front of the crowd and doing a horrendous rendition of a song with a girl’s name in it, and I don’t know why this is the case �" but historically, all four times I’ve done it - it’s led to me getting laid. There was Amanda, Ophelia, Rosanna, and who could forget about Sweet Melissa? I know I haven’t. Any why shouldn’t I get up there and let Layla know how I feel through the immortal words of Eric Clapton? 

Well, aside from the fact that I don’t really feel anything. In all honesty, this date’s maybe a tick above mediocre. She’s pretty, has a decent personality, but I’m just not feeling much beyond that. Well, I’m feeling something, a certain tingle that only happens after a certain something hasn’t happened for a while (Do I need to spell it out for you? Sex), but that has nothing to do with her. It’s the name. It’s the statistical probability of ending a drought. That’s what I’m after. 

But there’s a second variable at play here, one that’s held me back from getting on stage to this point despite my every horny urge and self-serving interest from the man downstairs telling me to get my a*s up there. 

 Variable two: Layla informed me as we walked through the door that she hates going to places that do karaoke, because men always sing the song Layla to her. She said it’s cheap, embarrassing, a pathetic attempt at a pick up, even went so far as to make me promise her that I wouldn’t do it.

I feel stifled, silenced like I don’t have a voice �" but I’m a man of my word, and I won’t do it… 

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This situation has changed. 

I won’t be singing a song in honor of Layla, who left about an hour ago (it ended amicably, and I think both of us are fine with it being a one-time thing) �" but I can be suppressed no longer. I step up on the stage, Mister Thomas, a man of numbers; one who knows the odds that there’s a girl out there tonight among this crowd of twenty-somethings, a special girl, a beautiful girl by the name of…

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Have you ever woken up next to someone that you didn’t expect to wake up next to, and for a moment you ask yourself what the f**k was I thinking, but you know exactly what you were thinking and you don’t regret a decision you made �" but asking yourself was still an acknowledgment that you may have done something stupid..

            “Good morning,” she says. 

             “Hey… you…” I say. I don’t remember her name. 

             “Wild night, huh?” 

           “Yeah…?” I don’t know if it’s a question or a statement, or partly both, but a drum in my head seems to pound in assent. 

           “I’ll say so,” she says. “I can’t believe you sang that song for me last night.” 

“Me neither.” I can believe it, though. I just can’t remember it. 

    “Will you… sing it… again… for me?” 

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    Have you ever gotten entirely too drunk and the next day found yourself in a strangely over-complicated situation, like one that’s already bad enough on its own, but is made exponentially worse by the fact that you’re incredibly hung over? I presently find myself in this sort of predicament. 

           Realistically, it’s not as bad as I’m probably making it out to be. I know that this isn’t going anywhere with whatever her name is, Layla, was it? No, that was the other one - but as a gentleman (even though right now I feel like a s**t), I always want to handle myself with class and dignity �" which I clearly did not do last night, but there’s a chance to redeem myself. 

      But I’m an English teacher, and there are times when only a math teacher can solve a difficult problem, so I’m going to have to call in reinforcements for this one. My mind drifts away into a sit-down interview with my alter-ego. 

><><><

“Welcome back, Mister Thomas, math teacher. We’re so glad to have you here. Would you mind telling us a little bit about the situation we have here?” 

“Thanks for having me, Mister Thomas, English teacher. Glad to be here. Now, what we have here is a classic case of probability. Think of it like a gamble.”

“Now, can you explain that in a little more detail for the audience?” 

“Absolutely. So, essentially when you gamble you bet, or wager something based on the odds, or probability of an outcome, usually the bet is money, but in the case of Mister Thomas, English teacher, he is wagering his class and dignity.”

“I see, Mister Thomas, math teacher. Absolutely fascinating stuff. So, if you were to offer Mister Thomas, English teacher advice on his present scenario in terms of odds and probabilities, what would you say to him?” 

“Great question, Mister Thomas, English teacher. You are without a doubt a man of words, but I digress…”

“Thank you. I mean that, sir.” 

“My pleasure. But while you may be a connoisseur of words, you sir, are no man of numbers like me. So, here’s my advice: While it may seem the potential list of names is infinite, when we take a closer look, we know that whatever her name is must appear in a song which brings the list down to a manageable fifty or so names. And since you are a man of the classics, and might I add refined taste, we can eliminate even more of those songs that you wouldn’t even think about singing. Thus, we are left with five simple choices, which may appear a simple probability of 1 in 5. However, while I may be a man of numbers, this is not a problem that even I, Mister Thomas, numeric man, can solve. This takes someone with a mind of art; a mind of imagination and creative problem solving; thinking outside the box and recognizing a variable that I cannot see.” 

The audience’s applause snaps me from my glorious half-dream talk show; but I know her name now �" because I am a man of art and imagination and creating problem solving, and I can think outside the box and I know the missing variable that Mister Thomas, math teacher doesn’t. I’d never sing the same song twice; and there’s a name in a song �" no, like five classic songs, that I’ve always wanted to sing and have just never had the occasion; but the occasion was last night; when Mister Thomas, math teacher knew the probability of someone in the audience having the name Sarah or, Sara without the h �" but I was only singing to one of them, because I know which song I chose. 

           “Sure thing… Sara.” 

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    Sarah’s gone. Turns out I sang the wrong song, but I’m still proud of myself for getting the name sort of right. I’m also proud of the fact that the drought’s not only ended, but there seems to be a storm rolling in, because even though I guessed the wrong song, she thought it was totally adorable that I sang her a different one with her name in it �" and we had sex again before she left. 

    But it was just sex, and maybe for the next few hours I’ll question my decision and go through half a day where I tell myself I need to get my life together and be more responsible �" but it was just sex. Nothing more, nothing less �" and why is that such a bad thing to some people? It’s fun, it’s good exercise, it makes everything just a little bit better throughout the day after you’ve had it, even better because you’re looking forward to it �" and if you aren’t an idiot about then there’s no long term damage done (well, most of the time, according to Mister Thomas, math teacher, man of statistics).