Monday's are Hell

Chapter One

  The last thing I could remember about Monday was leaning in to kiss Cameron Birch. It was going to be my first kiss, which was pretty pathetic since I was eighteen years old, but being homeschooled and living in the middle of nowhere I just never really had the opportunity to make a move on a girl before, all the girls I flirted with had been online and I never liked any of them enough to meet them in person.  Cameron was the only girl I really saw in person frequently enough to consider kissing.  She was ok, I mean she flirted with anything male that moved and had slept with more guys than I could count on one hand, but why not right?  Don’t judge, I am a teenage boy with raging hormones remember.  I was just touching her ruby red lips with mine when I felt the sharp pain in my side that made me jerk away from her.  No offense to Cameron, but it was kind of a relief, because as much as I had wanted to kiss her at first I discovered that it wasn’t actually pleasant in the slightest.  Her kiss left me feeling as if I was being eaten by a slimy octopus.  It was clumsy and sort of made me feel like gagging, but what came next made me wish that I could have just kept kissing her until I inevitably threw up.  Or even better yet I wished that I would have just stayed home that night.  Even though she was a bimbo it’s really not Cameron’s fault all this happened though.  It was mine because matter how perfectly tiny her waist was or how much cleavage she showed under her low hanging shirt, I knew all along that I didn’t like her like she liked me.  I was honestly just trying to prove to my best friend that I wasn’t gay so he would stop avoiding me.  I liked girls, I really did, I just didn’t like, like any of them.   Anyways, as I was saying, I felt a sharp pain, like a Charlie horse in my side, I shoved myself away from the s****y Cameron and collapsed on the ground.  I started to yell in agony when my whole world faded to black.

                                                                          

The next thing I knew I opened my eyes to one giant blue eye in my face. 

   “What the heck!”  I attempted to jump away from the eyeball when the man attached to it grabbed me by the arm and rolled me onto my back.  My side felt like acid was bubbling inside it and my mouth was so dry that I couldn’t even get a scream out.  “Who are you?  What’s going on?  Where am I?”

The guy crouched beside me looked about my age but it was hard to tell with the grime that covered his face and a big black eye patch covering his other eye.  He wore a black tank top that showed two intimidating biceps.  He scanned the area around us frantically.

“Sorry man,” He stammered.  “You weren’t supposed to wake up yet.”

“What?”  My heart was in my throat beating rapidly.  “I wasn’t supposed to-“

“I took a wrong turn ok?”  He sounded on the verge of a panic attack.  “I’m completely horrible with directions!”

He wore his shoulder length blonde hair in a wavy ponytail that he somehow managed to make look pretty hot, not that I have ever held attraction for the same sex or anything, I just recognized when a man was attractive and on a scale of one-to-ten this guy was a nine with his sharp facial features and toned body.  Nevertheless he held a childlike quality in his wide blue eye that made me feel a little less intimidated.

“Where are we?”  I asked trying to sit up.  “Who are you?”

“I’m Pierce,” he said riffling through a messenger bag at his side.  “I know this is all really confusing, I am so sorry this had to happen bro.  And just keep in mind that I’m really sorry for this next part too, but I’ll explain everything to you when we get back I swear!”

I opened my mouth to question him again when I suddenly saw him grab a metal pipe near his leg and raise it.  Then everything faded back to black. 

                                                                             

 When I woke up it was like being at an amusement park, on steroids.  People were lined up everywhere waiting to go through two huge iron gates that loomed threateningly overhead.  I sat up slowly as the world spun under me. 

“Easy dude,” Said the guy who had knocked me out earlier.  “You should really just take a moment to regain your strength.”

His blue eye watched me with what looked like legit concern.

“What the heck is your problem man?”  I shouted causing several heads to turn our way.  “What do you want from me?”

“I told him you would be pissed, but does he ever listen to me?  Oh no, ‘go get him’ he said, ‘it will be fun’ he said.  And now I’m the one getting the third degree!”

“Who told you to come get me?”

“Dev.”
“I don’t know anyone named Dev.

“Well of course you don’t.” 

He smiled at me.  “But you will soon enough, he is on his way to meet us at the gates.”

“The gates?”  I asked my voice sounded several octaves higher than I remembered it sounding before.

“Look friend,” he said resting his hand on my shoulder.  “I think you need to settle down a bit.”

I pulled myself to my feet and narrowed my eyes at him crouching on the ground. 
“You just randomly came, knocked me out, and kidnapped me and now your calling me your friend?  You have got some serious issues and you just need to stay away from me.”

He stood up beside me matching my 6’1 statue perfectly.  His blonde hair curling around his face as he reached towards me. 

“I’m real sorry, I know how this must look but I can explain I swear.”

“I don’t want an explanation!  I want to go home!”  My voice cracked in a very unmanly way when I said home so I decided to make up for it by grabbing him by the front of his white shirt and then I spoke evenly through gritted teeth.  “Who the hell told you to get me?”

Instead of answering me his blue eye widened and shot behind me.  Before I could turn to look a hand with red fingerless gloves grabbed my shoulder and spun me around making me lose my grip on my captor’s shirt. 

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you Cian” The man I was facing looked like the grungiest homeless person I had ever seen.  His beard was gray and matted with bits of something crusty looking at the frayed ends.  He wore a holey green army jacked over several layers of dirty shirts that smelled like burnt cat hair.  The nicest thing about him was his perfect white toothed smile that stared me in the face.  If I tilted my head just slightly I met his eyes that were so black they melted into his pupils.  “I’ve been waiting for you for a long time.”

“Who are you?”  I asked shoving his grimy hand off of me.  “And what do you want with me?”

“Call me Dev.”  He stuck out his hand but after I glanced at it with obvious disgust he shrugged and shoved it into the pocket of his old jacket.  “I want to same thing you want Cian.  I want to see the end to the race of angels.”

My heart squeezed in my chest so hard I thought I might have a heart attack.

“What are you talking about?”  I stepped away from him slightly.  “You’re insane.”

He let loose the loudest laugh I had ever heard, but something about it made me want to join in.

“Only slightly.”   He said grinning at me with a crazed look in his eye.  “Come on boy let’s get you out of this place and somewhere we can talk.”

He stepped aside and motioned to a thin space between the crowded line that opened up into a plaza of what looked like downtown New York City. 

“Where are we?”  I asked rooting myself in place. 

“Oh forgive me I forgot to even tell you where you are!  How rude of me.”  He bowed awkwardly and gave me a look that chilled me to my core.  “Welcome to Hell Cian.”

 

Everyone describes hell as this fiery hot torture place filled with the screams of the damned.  Everyone’s wrong.  It’s cold, and dark and lonely.  The feeling fills you so completely that it feels as if you can’t breathe through the pain.  The streets look like New York City in the winter, during a power outage.  Smog clouds the air so if you do finally steal a breath it contaminates your lungs and makes you feel as if your about to choke.  The only sounds you can hear if the shuffling of other lost souls dragging across the pavement.  Occasionally you may hear a sob swell from someone who just can’t bear to stand the sorrow in silence for another second.  No one comforts them or even looks in their direction, they simply focus on the space in front of them and walk.  They walk with no purpose of urgency at all.  Dev and I were the only two that were walking any faster than a mosey speed.  He weaved expertly through the souls while I jumped around frantically trying to keep up with him.

“Dev,” I called as I pushed past a lady muttering about her lost lover.  “Why are all of these people here?”

“Hmm, this is the do gooders section.”  He said with a nod to himself.  “The ones who go about life being as kind as they can be, doing as many good deeds as they could to try to win their way to heaven.”

“If they are good people then why are they here?”

He glanced back at me with a smirk and motioned me down an ally way. 

“Didn’t you go to Sunday school as a child?”  He shrugged.  “Can’t get to heaven through works kid.”

“Then why be good?”
“You seriously think I’m the person to ask?”

I was just pondering that when I watched as someone stepped in front of Dev and without hesitation or warning he punched them right in the face sending them reeling backwards into the mass of people. 

“Guess not.”  I muttered under my breath.

Several minutes later we arrived at our destination and I froze.  “Seriously?  McDonalds?”  I asked dubiously.

“Why not?”

“This is supposed to be Hell why would there be a McDonalds here?  I mean sure it’s probably not the best health food place we have, but it’s still a good part of earth, they have ‘Happy Meals’ for goodness sakes it’s not like they kill people.”

“I like to think of it as a place happy people go to unwittingly commit suicide.  Besides,” he opened the door and ushered me in.  “I love a good Big Mac after a day of torture.”

After ordering his Big Mac and a large fry for himself Dev showed me to a dark red booth where he sat across from me munching messily on his burger.  He ate like he was as homeless as his appearance made one think inhaling more than chewing each bite.  We were the only ones in the place other than the one sad girl looking longingly at the menu and tear stains down her face.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions.”  Dev said through a mouthful, special sauce spilling between his lips and onto his already nasty beard.  “Let’s just get it over with and say that you’re here because your dead Cian, but you won’t be able to process that for a while because it always comes as a shock.  Give yourself about ten minutes to process that.  You. Are. Dead.  I’ll wait.”  He gave me what I think was supposed to be an encouraging smile and moved onto his large fry.  I replayed what he had just said in my head but it sounded insane.

“I’m dead?”

“As a doornail.”

“Right.  Sure I am. Then why am I breathing?  I can feel my heart beating.”

“Nasty habit that,” He waved his hand and squeezed an entire packet of ketchup into his mouth. “Don’t worry within about a week your heart will realize that it doesn’t have to beat anymore and you won’t get that pulsing feeling of a possibility that you may still be alive.  And the breathing thing is all really psychological.  If you’re strong minded you can stop, but you may not be.  I know several people who have been here for centuries and still can’t force themselves to stop breathing for the life of them”  

I let loose a laugh so hysterical that it scared even me.  Dev cocked one eyebrow at me questioningly but remained silent.  I was dead?  That’s impossible.

“I wasn’t dead this morning.”

“Funny how that happens huh?”  He wiped his face with a handful of napkins and pushed himself back to slouch in his seat.  “Look, here’s what happened.” 

To my surprise he pulled a smart phone from his pocket and handed it to me opened on a video.  Shaking my head with disbelief I tapped the screen to play the video.  There was no sound to the video only a very clear image of me leaning in to kiss Cameron.  I couldn’t help but notice the look of adoration in her eyes as she took a step closer to me.  She looked like she was head over heels for me which was kinda what I hoped would happen after I started talking to her the day she broke up with her quarterback boyfriend, but I couldn’t summon up any amount of feelings for her.  I had really only been leading her on because she was willing to give me the ego boost I needed.  I never wanted a relationship with her, but I made it seem like I did to get the attention that I wanted.  Maybe that’s why I was in hell now.  I turned my attention back to the video just in time to see the one eyed man raise his gun at me.  I wanted to scream when he pulled the trigger.  Then I watched in surreal third person as my body crumpled at Cameron’s feet. I watched her scream, look around and then turn on her high heels and bolt away from me without even checking to see if I was alive first.  Suddenly I didn’t feel like such a dick for leading her on.  The one eyed man walked over to me his gun hand shaking as he knelt to check my pulse.  He shook his head and then with a nod of his head we vanished from sight and the video ended. 

“He murdered me.”

“Yes,” he chuckled.  “He did, didn’t he?  You should feel quite special I suppose.  Peirce had never killed anyone before, but after I told him how much you could help us with our endeavor he understood how important it was for you to be dead.”

“Wait,” the pieces were slowly coming together in my mind.  “You sent him to kill me.”

“Now you’re catching on!”  He clapped my shoulder.  “I knew you’d understand!”

“I don’t!”  I shot up from my seat banging my knee into the table as I did so, but not feeling the sharp jolt I used to when I hurt myself.  “I don’t understand why you would want to kill me!  I’m only eighteen!”

“I want you to work for me Cian.” He looked more sober and serious than I had ever seen him. “I need your help.”

“You’re joking!”  I yelled.  “You had me freaking murdered why would I ever help you?”

“Well I could be wrong, but I just thought you would like to see your mother again.”

My blood turned cold. 

“My mother died four years ago.” 

“Your point being?”  He smirked at me.  “I am the ruler of hell son.  You think I couldn’t reunite the two of you if I had the will to?”

“You’re a liar!”  I slammed me hands onto the table and leaned threateningly towards him.  “My mother is not in hell.”

“Are you sure about that?”  He spat at me.  “Just because she believed in angels doesn’t mean it was enough to get her into Heaven.  Now sit down before you make a scene.”

I slowly eased back into my seat.  The more I turned the possibility over in my head the more possible it seemed to become.  If she was here then I could find her.  I didn’t need-
“I know what you’re thinking.  Don’t.  You will never find her without my help.  I’ve hidden her away for safe keeping in case you decide to take me up on my offer.  The streets of the damned are like a maze, without a guide a newbie like yourself could literally become lost for all eternity.”

I ground my teeth together.  There was a possibility that he was lying, but if he wasn’t…I never wanted anything more than to see my mother one last time.

“If you help me,” he said with that sappy voice of his.  “I will release your mother and yourself.  You can go back to being a happy little family on earth until death do you part.  But if you don’t want to then I will send you back to earth alone.  No harm no foul huh boy?”

“If I did this it would be like she never died.”

“Exactly, well more or less anyways.”  He knew he was winning and as much as I hated it I knew he was too.  “So what do you say kid?  Do we have a deal?”

I knew what my mother would say about this.  There were so many songs and stories that sprang to mind about people who made a deal with the Devil.  None of them fared well in the end.  But I understood their desperation to strike a deal.  He made an offer no person could refuse.  I knew I was risking my soul, but I wanted my mother back.  I needed to see her again.  It didn’t matter what it cost me.  I looked the Devil in the eye and spoke through tightly gritted teeth.

“What do you want me to do?”

Author's Note

Has not been edited at ALL, so this is the roughest rough draft here. Still if anyone has any feedback I would love to hear what sounds good and what doesn't. Thanks!

Reviews

[Iris]

I edited your first paragraph. How you would prefer your story to be edited? Usually, I pinpoint things that could be made better in detail, but if you only want, as I see from your A/N, what sounds good, then I'll tell you that too.
I liked the ending, to be honest. You did well in explaining the desperation he feels for seeing his mother again. It's also interesting how you showed the Devil as a personality. What you said about Heaven sounds depressing, but we'll have to see as the story progresses, eh? Now, your beginning could be made just as good as you ending, with a little work. There are some suggestions below for your structure.
1. You are not very thorough with your commas and full stops, so you could improve on that. Say the sentence out loud and you'll find where you should put them.
2. "anything male that moved"
"anything that moved and was male"
3. "Don’t judge, I am a teenage boy with raging hormones remember."
"You must keep in mind that I am a teenage boy with raging hormones."
4. "Her kiss left me feeling as if I was being eaten by a slimy octopus."
"Her kiss felt as if I was being eaten by a slimy octopus."
5. "Or even better yet"
"Or better yet", even is adding too much to one sentence. Either you use "better yet" or "even better".
6. "Even though she was a bimbo it’s really not Cameron’s fault all this happened though"
"Even though she is a bimbo, whatever happened after is not her fault." It sounds better to use present tense here, unless Cameron is dead or.....gone.
7. "I knew all along that I didn’t like her like she liked me."
Too many "like"s! "I knew all along that I never felt anything for her at all."
8. "I was honestly just trying to..."
"To be completely honest, I was just trying to..."
9. "Anyways, as I was saying, I felt a sharp pain, like a Charlie horse in my side"
This seems very abrupt, as if you went off-track. Professional writers always link things together very artfully to avoid any confusion the reader might feel. Try rearranging the order of events in the paragraph or using a linking word to connect two different relations that you are telling: his thoughts and the events.
10. "I started to yell in agony when my whole world faded to black."
"I yelled in agony as my whole world faded to black."
If you want to continue this way, please inform me. If not, tell me how you would wish to be edited.

[TheAnxiousDucky]

Oh my goodness, yes this is very helpful! As soon as you point them out it's either an "oh duh!" moment or "how did I miss that?". I appreciate this so much!! Thank you!

[Iris]

You're welcome.