Mist

A short story which I may make longer if say over ten people like it

People started to scream as they ran up the street, I could see something creeping around the edges of the buildings. I saw the horrifying sight of someone tripping and being enveloped in it whilst they screamed. I listened and the screams cut off abruptly. It didn't look dangerous on the outside. It was just a bit of mist. A bit of thick, dark green mist. It was the things that came out of it that everyone was so afraid of. Monsters that scientists couldn't begin to describe the origins of. Mutant animals that have lost control and rampaged. The mist didn't move fast. In a way that made it more deadly. No one really noticed it until it was too late. Everyone knew the only way to survive it. You had to pass through.
I felt a hand on my shoulder "C'mon let's go." It was my partner. We headed into the darkness of an alleyway and opened a cellar door in front of an abandoned toy factory. We jumped inside, closing the door as we did. Suddenly we were incased in darkness. I felt around for a switch and flicked it. The lights flickered a bit before lighting fully. In front of me was a small group of people. We were known as The Lights. No one really knew why. Someone suggested that maybe it's because light sees through the mist. I think it's just because they thought it sounded cool. There was a muscular man stood opposite me. He looked around what had somehow become a circle and said the words I had been both dreading and craving. "It is time to brave the mist my friends."
We rounded all the remaining residents in the plaza. It was startling to see just how many were gone already. They all said that we were crazy. "We'll never make it!" They all said. But deep down they knew that we were right. Deep down they wanted it more than anything. We had everything prepared. Some people defended the weaker residents, some attacked the creatures of the mist. It all started off so well. I think we got about half way before something went wrong. One of the defenders was gone. People were worried enough so we paid no attention to it. Then someone screamed. It was a woman and it was a bloodcurdling screech. She was pointing at a figure slumping towards us. It got closer and raised its head. It was a person, disfigured and infected with the madness of the mist. They leapt of the nearest person and began tearing them to shreds. We yelled at everyone to run ahead before the zombified person turned towards me. I was frozen in fear as it leapt towards me, teeth like razors. I only saw a flash and my partner was in front of me, telling me to run. I did as I was told and as I ran I could hear their screams behind me. Tears were streaming down my face as I ran. I couldn't even hear the other creatures inside the mist.
I saw a bright light through the cloudiness that I was suddenly used to. For a moment I thought I was going to die. Die like everyone else in the mist. Then, like being hit in the face with a brick, a wave of fresh air hit me. I looked around in shock and saw some of the citizens coming from the heart of the mist. I panted and sighed heavy breaths of relief. We did it. We passed through the mist, now we are free. But free to where? I suddenly thought to myself. I looked into the distance and saw faintly on the horizon, a town. That was where our future was. That was our freedom.

Author's Note

It's a short story it's not supposed to be really detailed yet. (Yes I said yet.)

Reviews

[Mila]

This was a very interesting read. I can already tell that you have a good start on the details. I noticed that you're thinking of extending it and I hope that I can help you reach a decision on that with the critiques I give!

"People started to scream as they ran up the street, I could see something creeping around the edges of the buildings." Try making this into two separate sentence, or you can toss an 'and' where the comma is. In a phrase such as this one, a comma usually just adds a random break in there that isn't needed and it breaks the flow.
"Monsters that scientists couldn't begin to describe the origins of." I know you might have put this fragment in for dramatic purposes, but think of maybe meshing into the previous sentence only because you have just started describing what it is and, again, to keep with the flow, it would be helpful to not have it as a fragment. Other descriptions of the same nature that follow this can work as fragments, depending on what it is you're speaking of and if you have enough details to ensure that the reader knows what you're talking about.

Those were the two main things that I noticed that needed fixing. Anything else I saw that stood out had to do with whatever I listed about. A lot of fragments, some unnecessary and some worked in your favor. To find out which one is which, I would suggest going through this and reading to yourself maybe, or even proofing by skimming through and noting how many fragments and breaks you see.
All in all, this was a very good read; I like the idea that you came up with. It was very creative and it almost had a Halloween-ish feel to it that made it enjoyable and still macabre. Well done :)

[Lionheart]

Thank you for reviewing and I'm glad you liked it! I was writing this as a short story with mini-chapters so it is probably more fragmented because of that. I will change it so it flows more smoothly and fits in with paragraphs rather than chapters. Again thank you for your input and I will try and use what you said to improve this and all of my writing!

[Imobile Repairs Compute..]

I was just about to say more detail and then I read your 'Author's Note', so I think you should continue this story. Plus, I would like to know what comes after entering the mist!

[Lionheart]

Thanks! I will put more detail in and write more about the goings on when they enter the mist (as well as actually giving the characters names.)