Sharing a Drink with God

A night of drinking leads God to tell one man some of what the Bible got wrong.

            First introductions.  I’m Lemon Jell-O, yes that is my name.  What I’m about to tell you is the truth and I haven’t changed a thing.  I transcribe the conversation word for word from an audio tape I made of it.  Oh, I should explain, I run a little local paper and so I always have a tape recorder and notepads on me.  The Jell-O Report is my paper and I give it away, mainly because nobody in their right mind would pay for it.

 

            I had recently broken up with Kimberly, my ex-girlfriend.  She said I was immature and would never grow up.  I enjoy playing video games and watching internet porn does that make me immature or just a man; I don’t know.  Anyway, I was at the Hog’s Head Bar & Grill drowning my sorrow in a few beers when the door opens and everybody freezes, everybody but me.  In walks this person made of light.  He was bright, so bright I had to look away and all I could think was this was an alien.  When I said I wasn’t frozen that wasn’t true, I could move only my head otherwise I would have crapped myself as I ran out the back door.

 

            This person comes over and sits down beside me.  “Hi, Lemon.  I’m not an alien, I’m God.”

 

            “God really?”  I counted in my head trying to figure out if I had maybe drunk more than I remembered.

 

            “Oh, you are sober, or as sober as you are normally.”

 

            “Are you reading my mind?”

 

            “No.  I’m God so I know what you would be thinking.”

 

            “It is that all seeing, all knowing stuff?”

 

            “Exactly, well not really.”

 

            “Which is it?”

 

            “It is a little hard to explain.”

 

            “I really need a drink right now.”

 

            “Oh yeah, I’m going to unfreeze everybody, please stay calm.”

 

            “Wait won’t they flip out seeing you here, all glowing and stuff?”

 

            “Oh, they will see me as a young Charlton Heston.  Only you will see me like this and they will hear us just talking about sports.”

 

            Suddenly I could move and I almost bolted for the door.  I was still not sure this was God and not an alien.  My hand shook as I reached for a beer.  “So, if you are God why come to me, I’m not a believer, well I wasn’t and not sure if this will change that?”

 

            “The truth is I don’t know.  I was looking in on you, well really, I was seeing if your girlfriend was in the shower and I saw you were really depressed.  I felt like coming down here and having a little talk.  You aren’t the first person I have done this with.”

 

            I nearly choked on my beer, “You spy on my girlfriend in the shower?”

 

            “Ex-girlfriend, and yes her and others.  I’m a guy so sue me.”

 

            “Hold on I want to turn on my recorder.”  I reached in my messenger bag.

 

            “It is already recording, I knew you would want a recording of this so you can write about it and well I figured if you are going to do it lets get it accurate this time.”

 

            “What do you mean this time?”

 

            “Like I said you aren’t the first person I sat down and talked with.  They base Christianity on one of those talks, but they screwed that up.”

 

            “Like what did they mess up?”

 

            “The creation for one.  I didn’t plan on creating the universe.  It kind of happened.  Do you really want to know?”

 

            “Yeah, let’s set the record straight.”

 

            “Ok I have a passion for spicy food, I mean really spicy, but it doesn’t always like me.  Just before I created the universe I had some really spicy chili.  Well, it didn’t sit well, it gave me some bad gas.”

 

            “Hold on, are you saying a fart created the universe?”

 

            “Human scientists call it the big bang and let me tell you it was huge.  One of those wet farts you have to change your underwear after.  And did it ever stink.  I missed the beginning stages of life because I couldn’t even enter the room for a long time.”

 

            “So, it was all unplanned?”

 

            “After I noticed what I had created I took an interest in it.”

 

            “The dinosaurs, The Bible doesn’t mention them, but again scientific proof says they existed.”

 

            “The dinosaurs had developed while I was getting a snack.  I would have even let them continue to exist except I sneezed and caused a meteorite to crash into the planet.”

 

            “Hold on, a fart created the universe and a sneeze wiped out the dinosaurs, you have to be joking.”

 

            “Honest to Me truth.”

 

            “So, if dinosaurs existed creating man in your own image, Adam and Eve, and the whole Garden of Eden is not true?”

 

            “I created Eve first not Adam.  I’m a guy and what guy wouldn’t want a naked woman running around.  She was the first nudist.  I created Adam because she was lonely in the garden all by herself.  I mean I had a whole universe to run, besides my other projects so spending all my time with her wasn’t an option.”

 

            I was a little confused, to say the least.  “So, you make Eve a boyfriend, wouldn’t that like ruin your relationship with her?”

 

            “Truth is I’m into men and women, that is kind of normal for enlightened beings.”

 

            “Enlightened beings are you talking about angels because I always thought that the whole robe wearing harp playing thing was a little gay.  Not that I have anything against gays or whatever the PC term is for them.”

 

            “The angels are only others of my race and the image of them is a human creation, they look like me.”

 

            “So, you are part of a bisexual race of beings made up of pure energy.  God damn.”  It really blew me away learning all this.  “So why did you toss Adam and Eve out of the Garden for eating an apple, I mean it was the perfect setup.”

 

            “I tossed Adam out, Eve went with him.  OK, here it is.  I was experimenting with some plants and I had a whole section of the Garden set aside for my experimental plants.  Adam goes in there and uses the whole crop.”

 

            “Uses it?  Eats it or what?”

 

            “He smoked it all.”

 

            To say I was surprised would be an understatement.  I wanted to ask more about these plants, but the reporter in me wanted to learn more of what the bible got wrong.  “So, you throw them out and they produce the human race?”

 

            “No.  Humans had developed on their own and Adam dumps Eve for another woman soon after they leave the garden.  Eve had kids, but none were Adam’s he is sterile.”

 

            I drank my beer as I tried to remember more from the Bible; I mean I never read it and only caught a few of the movies and mini-series based on it.  “Sodom and Gomorrah, why destroy them?”

 

            “I didn’t I used to go there for a little fun.  It was my wife, well ex-wife.”

 

            “So, you were married and there is a Mrs. God out there or did she go back to her maiden name?”

 

            “My name isn’t really God.  It would just sound like static to you if I said it.  Anyway she caught me messing around in Sodom and Gomorrah and destroyed them before she went to stay with her mother.”

 

            “The flood, that was pretty harsh.”

 

            “The flood, well that was caused by a broken pipe.  I and the wife had gotten back together, and I was away when a pipe burst.  To keep it from flooding the house, she redirected it here.  By the time I came back and got the plumber around the world had been flooded.  I tried to save as many people as I could.  The whole Noah and the ark thing was completely wrong.  I told him to grab as many creatures as he could and get them on the ark, not two of each.  He wasn’t the only one, he was just the only one that later published a whole book about it.”

 

            “Ok, what about the Virgin Mary?”

 

            “The virgin part was a big joke, she was a total s**t, and it is totally possible I’m not even Jesus's father.  She was banging a lot of my kind.  She and Lucifer were an item for a while even.”

 

            “Wait, Lucifer as in the Devil?”

 

            “He is a really great guy, we hang out all the time.  The whole throwing him out of Heaven was just crazy.  We had a fight, and I tossed him out of my house.  A couple days later we talked and realized it was just a big misunderstanding.  I mean it wasn’t like I hadn’t slept with his wife first.  But me forgiving him didn’t mean I forgave her, and I tossed her out.  So, I was lonely, and Mary was looking fantastic.  One thing leads to another and Jesus is born.  She was a real freak between the sheets and in the bushes and in the manger-”

 

            “Ok I get the point.  So, if you are all knowing why don’t you know if Jesus is yours or not?”

 

            “I really didn’t care, I mean Mary wasn’t asking for money or me to take the kid for the weekend.  By the time I wanted to know it was too late, the world was saying he was my kid so even if I denied it they wouldn’t believe me.”

 

            “I completely understand.  People make up their minds and you just can’t change them even if you show them proof.  Like this, people are going to think I was drunk and made this all up.”

 

            “Some will see the truth.  Oh, about you and Kimberly, she will be back and I would tell you not to take her back, but you are going to anyway.  I just hope you remember I warned you.”

 

            “You just told me and won’t that like effect things?  I know now not to take her back so I won’t.”

 

            “Lemon you are a guy and well Kimberly is super hot, way out of your league so you will take her back even if you do believe me.”

 

            “Ok, you are probably right.  Let's continue, what about Moses?”

 

            “The plagues in Egypt were just nature, it was like a bad series of events one leading to another.  A few were even blown completely out of proportion in the retelling.  The last one, the death of the firstborn, well many people died but something that was very specific is scarier than a ton of people dying from all the crap that came before.”

 

            “I was more interested in the parting of the Red Sea and the ten commandments.”

 

            “Seaquake, a really nasty one.  I didn’t even know about it until after it happened, I was out on date night.  As for the ten commandments, well Moses and me meet up on the Mount Sani, purely by accident and smoked a little weed.  It was some superb stuff, I had been perfecting it since I booted Adam out of the Garden.  At one point he turns and asks me what he should tell his people about the worship of me.  I was stoned, and I think I told him that he should just make up whatever he thought would make them happy.  It was a few weeks before I looked in on him again and learned what he had done, by then it was too late to change it.”

 

            “So, the ten commandments were made up by Moses?”

 

            “First off, if I had given Moses some rules to live by, I think I would have made the first one thou shall not kill.  I wouldn’t have included any of that crap about worshiping me or keeping the Sabbath holy.  Adultery, I did mention I slept with Lucifer’s wife, didn’t I?  If I had given Moses a list it would have been maybe five possible six of the ten, he came up with.”

 

            “Can you tell me this plan of yours?”

 

            “What plan?”

 

            “When something bad happens people always, say it is part of God’s plan, that plan.”

 

            “There is no plan.  It is like that computer game where you create people and control them.  If you only control one, then you can make them do everything you want, but the rest run wild.  If you try to control all of them, then things get messed up and something you spent hours doing is messed up by the time you get back to it.  I find it is best to just let you all do as you want with just little nudges for certain people.”

 

            “So, you aren’t all seeing, all knowing, are you?”

 

            “Depends on how you look at it.  I can tell you that you will stub your toe on your way home tonight, but I can’t tell you how I know just that I know.  As far as seeing, I could watch you all, but that would be like watching ants, it is easier to focus on certain people.”

 

            “Which people?”

 

            “For one Scarlett Johansson”

 

            “Scarlett Johansson really?”

 

            “She isn’t a party animal like Marilyn Monroe was, but she is hot.”

 

            “Marilyn Monroe was a party animal, really?”

 

            “I could show you a clip of when she and the two Kennedy boys partied together.  Me, she was incredibly flexible.”

 

            “One final question.  Could you hook me up with the lotto numbers?”

 

            “I could, but money won’t make you happy Lemon.  You have to learn that the world and your place in it is just a series of accidents and there is no big plan.  Learn to laugh at life’s misfortunes and you will be happier than if you had a million dollars.  I have to go now, I have a date with a Swedish swimsuit team, but I found this kind of therapeutic.”

 

            “If you ever want to talk again just drop by, you know where I am.”

 

            “I just may take you up on that.”  He left and I continue to drink not remembering how I got home that night.  I really thought it was all just a drunk hallucination until I found my recorder and played back the tape.