So you’re in a new relationship, huh? Well congratulations. Is she
special? Do you think she might be “The One”? Well permit me to offer
you, at no charge, the benefit of my, all too extensive, “relationship
experience”. The following is a small collection of “man-tips” that will
help you to avoid untold quantities of estrogen-induced torment.
Fight Early
If you don’t remember any other man-tip, learn this one, learn it
well and heed it! You need to understand that a relationship is like a
hydrogen bomb (probably mere happenstance that hydrogen sounds a bit
like estrogen). A relationship, much like a hydrogen bomb, has the
potential to kill you and to level everything around you. Don’t worry
though, it’s not fully armed… yet.
I always remember a chat with my best friend about our disastrous
marriages. He told me that he knew he was in trouble when his new bride
and he got into an argument shortly after they were married, and in the
middle of the argument she declared, “I’m your WIFE now!” The rising of
the hair on the back of his neck was an indication of the subconscious
realization that the relationship bomb had just been armed. The
primary way that the relationship bomb is armed is through the naïve
utterance of two little words: “I do.” But I am not here to tell you not
to marry. My father tried that with me, and I have tried that with many
friends. The sad fact is than men NEVER listen to that sage advice.
What I am going to tell you is this. Fight early. No, no, no …
you don’t have to fight so early that you destroy all chances of …
errrrrr … uhmmmmm … ‘entering the dragon’ (my apologies to Bruce Lee).
Give yourself one or two reconnaissance boinks and then start picking
fights. Why? Because you need to know, and you need to know now, if she
is the right woman for you. You need to know if she has an itchy trigger
finger. What you must understand is that once you arm the relationship
bomb, it’s too late for you to find out that she has a hair trigger. So
after you’ve ‘batter dipped the corn dog’ and before you arm the
relationship bomb you must check to be sure that it’s safe. Much like
you might poke through a pile of logs to be sure there are no snakes,
you must poke her with a stick (no not that stick, you’ve already done
that once or twice) just to be sure that you’re not marrying Mrs. Hyde.
Because, once again, once you have armed the device she can initiate the
‘detonate sequence’ at any given moment.
Get A Dog
Once you’re in a relationship, you need to immediately acquire a dog.
This is mandatory because as sure as Lindsay Lohan is headed down Dana
Plato Boulevard, your woman is going to produce some noxious s**t on
that stove. If you don’t have a dog, you’re going to pay a brutal price.
If however, you have a dog, you can discreetly slip her most odious
creations beneath the table, sneak out to Burger King and live without
gastric Armageddon for yet another day. Understand though, this needs to
be a big dog with an iron stomach. Because if you’re going to be
disposing of some of her most noxious creations at sub-table level, you
need to understand that this mush is going to be corrosive and will eat
through a schnoodle’s gut faster than a Menendez boy goes through
parents.
Do It Wrong
Never waste time arguing with her over something that she wants you
to do but you don’t want to do. Here’s the secret: do it wrong. If she
asks you to do laundry, smile and say, “OK honey, I’d be happy to.” Then
proceed to do it wrong. I don’t mean run-of-the-mill wrong, I mean
Larry, Moe and Curly wrong. When you are finished, put on your proudest
expression, call her and show her what a wonderful job you’ve done. You
must give her the impression that you are like a 4 year old who has just
tied his shoes for the first time. If you’ve done everything right, and really screwed up the job, she
won’t have the heart to tell you that you’ve screwed up. So there
should be no fallout. She will simply think that if she wants it done
right she needs to do it herself … and she will never ever ask you to do
that job again. Don’t feel bad, she wants to feel more
competent than you. With enough strategic screw-ups in the first year,
you can free yourself of all domestic responsibility for the remainder
of the relationship.
Watch The Game
This man tip does not work if you are in a relationship with a woman
who is a sports fan. So contrary to popular advice, I’m going to suggest
that you never get involved with a woman who is a sports fan. This
man-tip is about sex. All too often I hear pathetic men whining about
how their girlfriend or wife guards her happy area like a pit bull
guards a pork chop. Although it is my opinion that such whiners don’t
deserve to ‘slip into Happy Valley’, I’m going to make an exception just
this once. Here’s what you need to do. The next big football game that
comes on, record it. Record it on VHS or DVD, whichever you have
available, but record it. Then, the next time you feel the need for some
wifely attention, start playing the recording of the game when she’s
not looking. Get a beer, sit down and once again, as with the “Do It
Wrong” tip, commence with the very best acting job that you can muster.
Act as though you are watching the greatest game in the history of
mankind. Jump up and down, root, scream and cheer. Like men, women
compete. But they do not compete so much with other people. They compete
with the other things that men enjoy in their lives. A woman feels an
increase in her self-esteem of biblical proportions when she can make a
man give up something that he enjoys, like sports, fishing or hanging
out with the guys. It is her ultimate goal to have you blankly sitting
by the fountain at the mall, babbling incoherently and holding the
shopping bags while she scours the mall in search of more bounty. But I
digress. Back to our man-tip. Nothing will please her more than
believing that you really wanted to watch that game … but you wanted her
more. Tell me that you’ve never noticed the inconvenient coincidence
that she always seems to ‘feel the need’ when the big game is on.
We men are usually so engrossed in our sports that we rarely notice
the efforts that women make to get us away from our games. We usually
just tune them out. When the game is over, we come out of our
sports-induced trances with absolutely no recollection of the
fact that our wives or girlfriends were strolling about the room naked
with a whip, a container of chocolate syrup and her cute friend … and we
can’t quite figure out why they’re so damned exasperated. I’m not sure,
but I think that one of my early wives might have been abducted from
the house during the 1986 World Series. When the game ended, the house
was strangely pleasan … uhmmmmm … I mean … quiet and she was gone, along
with many of her things. As you can imagine, losing track of a wife in
that fashion would have been quite embarrassing, so I just told everyone
that she left me.
In closing, let me take this opportunity to wish you the very best in your new relationship. I’m certain that you won’t need any of these man-tips because your
woman is deeply in love with you [eye roll], but print them out, fold
them up and tuck them somewhere in the back of your wallet … just in
case.
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