If I See You Every Day

 

If I see you every day forever

I will always recall that night.

I will recall how despite her best

Efforts, nature could not distract me from you.

~

Despite the sparkle of night lights

That the tiny waves threw at me,

My eyes could not leave the sparkle of yours.

My mind could not leave you.

~

Beneath the mournful beauty of the

Rhapsodies of the circling terns,

My ears could not release the rhythm

Of your soft breathing.

~

Shrouded in the cool comforting

Breeze that the lake blew upon us,

Your embrace was all I felt

Your hair was all I smelled.

~

You won that night.

Pitted against all the beauty that

Nature could bring to bear

At that time, in that place.

~

If I see you every day forever

I will always recall that night.

 

Reviews

[Ryan Gilroy]

Today is often called the first day of the rest of your life, i do recall it being scribed somewhere along the sands of time. I do enjoy your piece seeing it provides a brillant insightful crash course upon what happens when someone gets special close to them. It does bring the reader inside your shoes of what happens when two people can share a special moment together. I do see powerful imagery here which does do this poem some brillant justice and warrent all these comments whether helpful or unhelpful.

[Narnie]

ARGH! How I wish I could critique poetry. I just know what I like ... and this I like. The romanticism in this is fabulous... the sort of thing every woman would love to have written about her. Beautiful. :)

[Hannah Renee]

The forth line of every stanza seems to drop off the face of the earth. Like you abrubtly stop and then start the next stanza. Is there a reason for that? Besides that, good writing! I can't wait to read more of yours.

[Benjamin L. Weekly]

If I were to fall into this poem I would have sap all over me for weeks. Somehow you have managed to capture romanticism in it's most shining moments. This one actually made my eyes water, which is something that only happens every so often on this site. Thanks. The way you compare nature to her is stunning, and how you bring in sights/smells/sounds of your beautiful surroundings and contrast them with her smell, sound, and sight. Then the touch is brought in.

While I am thoroughly in love with the message, I believe the form could use a little work. What threw me off was how you split up sentences across line breaks. This sorta messed up the flow for me. In my opinion, the way to correct this requires that the verses be re-worded to imrpove flow. Here's a few suggestions for you to take or leave:

"I will recall how despite her best
Efforts, nature could not distract me from you."
- Try, "Remembing how despite nature's best efforts,
I couldn't be distracted from you"

"Beneath the mournful beauty of the
Rhapsodies of the circling terns,
My ears could not release the rhythm
Of your soft breathing."
- Try, "Among the somber beauty of
The circling tern's rhapsody
My ears only heard the quiet rhythm
Of your softly breathing chest"

I noticed the same thing in verses 4 and 5. In verse four it's in the first two lines, in verse five it's the final two lines. At a line break there is often a pause, and in those places, as in the other two places I mentioned, the line break interrupted the flow of the statement. By rearranging the wording you can fix that.

By the way, this poem made me tingle from head to toe in a way few have ever done. For that reason this reaches my favorites list.
- Tiger

[Snickerdoodle!!!]

This poem makes me smile because I am currently feeling like this. I love how you stir up the readers emotions as they remember their experience like this.

[Blogiudi]

My first thought... " Aww, I want to be remembered like that."
Wonderful piece.

[Michelle Ross]

sigh.... That was beautiful. It is very well written too. Like someone else mentioned I do hope you gave this to the person it was written about.

[Nicolas Drago]

Very nice. I love the last two lines.

[J.F.Viramontes]

its like evry moment you remember y you feel 4 her that moment you knew she was the one and after that no uther night day was the same its beautiful i love it i relate to it but still leavs you with uther plcs that you dont know how its personal but not at the same time it good nice job my friend real nice job


Jesus Fernando Viramontes

[Tracey Hardie]

I hope you shared this poem with her... beautiful .. and from the heart!

[L. L. Jacobson]

This is absolutely beautiful, breathtaking, and I bathe in the intensity of this poem,
a yearning so great it cannot be ignored.