Regret

Just something old I found on my PC. Thought I'd see what critiques people had.

          “Does it seem like it’s been twenty-two years since we were playing football in that vacant lot by the school?”  Paul asked as he turned the hamburgers that sizzled on the wire grill above the rock pit that surrounded the open fire.

          Dan Holland stared into the flames as he pondered the question for what seemed much longer than was required for such a simple question. The fire popped and hissed as it consumed the dried out driftwood that the two friends had gathered from along the riverbank.

          “I can’t believe what I see when I look in the mirror each morning,” he replied, never looking up from the flames. “I feel the same as I felt when I was twenty, but when I look in the mirror I see a middle-aged man with graying hair.”

          The long pauses in the conversation never felt awkward between the two friends camping by the side of their favorite river. The soothing gurgling of water over the rocks in the rapids above the pool where they camped was like a third friend joining in the conversation. They sat for nearly five minutes in relaxed silence before anyone spoke.

          “I feel like I wasted all of those years.”

“What are you talking about Paul? You’ve got it made.” Dan protested as he scooped a burger from the grill and handed it to his friend. “You’ve got your own house, your truck is paid for, and you’re single and happy. Me, life has got me down in the fetal position and it’s kicking the s**t out of me.”

“Well, I’m single.”

“Oh come on!”

“No, I’m not kidding. I’ve accumulated some money and a home, but when I come home at night, I’m there all by myself. You have someone there to talk to. You have someone who loves you.”

“Well, she tolerates me.” Dan countered. “I’m telling you, having people around all the time is very over-rated. Most nights I would give anything to just have someplace quiet where I could read without the damned phone ringing, her kid running in and out of the house or the freakin’ dog barking at everyone who walks past the house.”

More silence followed as they ate their hamburgers, drank their drinks, watched their fishing poles and enjoyed the warm breeze that rustled the leaves above. As Paul continued to gaze into the flames, the fire gradually faded from his focus and he recalled that night twelve years ago. He’d been listening to a speech by Robert F. Kennedy when Lynne knocked on his door. It was as fresh in his mind as if it were yesterday; she stood at his front door, refusing to even come in, and told him that she was moving to a city several hours away. He wanted to just grab her, hold her in his arms, kiss her and tell her that she belonged with him and she wasn’t going anywhere; but he didn’t have the nerve. Since that night, not a day had gone by that he didn’t think of her. It seemed that since that night twelve years ago, everything reminded him of her and it just gnawed at his soul. He cursed himself for not having known that Lynne was the love of his life at that critical moment. He knew it as he stood on his back porch and watched her taillights vanish into the darkness, why not twenty one seconds sooner? In the speech he’d been listening to, Kennedy had quoted the Greek poet, Aeschylus.

 

Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.

 

The pain was no longer drop-by-drop, it now cascaded over him like the river beside them tumbled over the limestone boulders.

          “Do you ever wish you could get time to run backwards? Do you ever wish you could go back and do something over?” Dan asked, as though he knew exactly what Paul was thinking.

          “Every day.” Paul answered in a near whisper, as he turned on the portable CD player. “Every day!”

He was grateful for the darkness that concealed his tears as Clay Walker’s plaintive voice filled the night air with the sounds of, “I Can’t Sleep”.

Reviews

[Gale]

Your a very good writer, and you really do reach out to differnet emotions.

[Dana Kathryn]

Wow,this is deep with emotion...I feel everything you are writing here,we all have.I like your work,you are very talented.Do not be so hard on yourself,Life is a learning exp.We can only give our best!! :)

[J. Hampton]

Great theme ,dialoging and provocative thought.I do feel you tried to do too much in too little.It feels pushed. I'd say dive back in and elaborate for flow .....a longer version of the same...don't actually change it per se.

feels like a mid-life crisis moment.... I can relate lol

nice writing as always

[Ferg]

I agree with Emily. This piece is a poignant reflection on regret. So many layers and so many messages! This can apply universally to so many situations in life....fear, regret, remorse over decisions made and actions taken. Very well written reflection on life.

[Emily B]

gosh, Jerry! I've read a lot of your stuff. This stands out. It was a wistful, plaintive quality that overwhelms you. The feeling of regret is well illustrated with these words. It maybe could use some spit and polish here and there, but overall a good story.