An Essay on Poorly Behaved Children

     The origins of this essay go back to the day when a very close friend said, “We have great kids, don’t we!” She said this as a reaction to something that my daughter had accomplished, which had brought me great pride. Despite my great pride in my daughter, I found myself unable to respond to what my friend had said. She was trying to sneak her son onboard the “good kids train” along with my daughter. In fact, she was trying to slip her child into the same class as my daughter. And to be brutally honest, he was not in her class as far as behavior; he was a very poorly behaved boy. (Note: My friend has since begun to take a harder line and now her child has begun to transform into a better behaved child and I am so happy for her.)
 

     One would think that it would have been the simplest thing in the world to have just said, “Yup,” and gone about my business. But my daughter, who had come by her maturity and good behavior the old-fashioned way, was being bunched in with a child who was petulant, insolent, rebellious and accustomed to getting everything that he wanted. It would have been a betrayal of my daughter to simply agree that “we” had great kids. She had learned that she was not necessarily entitled to receive everything that she wanted. She had learned to handle disappointment. He had not learned these lessons.

 

     My reluctance to agree did not go unnoticed, and was not viewed favorably, but despite what that woman and her son thought, I actually cared too much about this boy to merely feed his mother’s delusions. My life would have been much more free of acrimony and strife if I’d simply agreed. But I felt that if I left her to believe that he was a great kid, or even a good kid, he would never receive the tough parenting and information that he so sorely needed. Sadly, I ended up standing mute, refusing to give her the false reassurance that she sought, but also unable to find the proper words to say what desperately needed to be said.

     It is my fervent hope, that these essays can offer to other people those words that eluded me that day. That this book can tell those parents who need so very much to be told, “No, your child is not a great kid and this is what you can do to change that.”

 

     We all want our children to be seen as “great kids”. Raising good kids gives us a feeling of accomplishment because we realize that our children are a reflection of our own parenting skills. Good kids also offer the peace of mind to believe that they will live enjoyable lives. Many parents, in pursuit of this reassurance that my friend was seeking from me, find an “expert” who advocates the parenting style that they are already employing. Having found such an expert, they then rest assured that they are raising their children properly, regardless of whatever evidence to the contrary might be staring them in the face.

 

     With the growing number of “experts”, there also seems to be a new syndrome or disorder to go with every “parenting expert” or every unwanted behavior. The growing number of syndromes that describe, explain and excuse the poor behavior of American children is most disturbing. There is Attention Deficit Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Asperger Syndrome … the list goes on and on. It seems as though when we cannot control our children, we go to a psychologist who attaches a disorder or a syndrome to our children’s misbehavior and we feel better. We are reassured by the diagnosis that the poor behavior is an illness; it’s not our fault.

 

     One of the favored explanations of the experts is that children who behave poorly do so because they suffer from a lack of self-esteem. This brings to mind the quote of baseball sage and former catcher Tim McCarver. McCarver, who was a teammate of all-time pitching great Bob Gibson said of Gibson, “He’s the luckiest guy I’ve ever seen. Every time he pitches, the other team doesn’t score any runs.” Certainly there was some connection between Gibson’s presence on the pitchers mound and the other team not scoring any runs. McCarver’s tongue in cheek remark intentionally misstated the nature of that association. I believe that, in the self-esteem observation, we are, in our willful ignorance, making a similar miss-association in a much less tongue in cheek fashion. Surely poorly behaved children have self-esteem problems, but do we have the causal relationship backwards?

 

     It is my claim that the behavior is not a result of the low self-esteem, but the converse. I submit to you that the lack of self-esteem is a direct result of the poor behavior. Poor behavior is almost always a result of “me-centric” attitudes. The fact that poorly behaved children are “me-centric” makes it difficult for them to make truly close friendships. Not very many people really want to be around ‘me-centric’ people because of their poor behavior and self-centered attitudes.

     We have found that through these faulty cause and effect associations, we can, at least in our own minds, mitigate our own responsibility for our children’s bad behavior. This new style of parenting also gives us license to throw up our hands and give in without doing the difficult and unpleasant things that are required to raise responsible, well mannered children. After all, if something is medically wrong as verified by our chosen expert, what can we do?

     The work required is simple, but unpleasant and difficult. The harsh truth is this; to be effective parents we will have to occasionally, perhaps frequently, be unpopular with our children.
 

Reviews

[Spoken]

The harsh truth is this; to be effective parents we will have to occasionally, perhaps frequently, be unpopular with our children.


so true. we have an instict to give our children everything they ever want.. which can/will stiffle their growth. If we give our children everything in life.. they'll naturally assume that is the way of the world.. everything is handed to them, no work involved.

I agree with your syndrome reference. ADD is like depression... overdiagnosed. Children are naturally bouncy and unfocused.. just look at any toddler and you'll see. This doesn't just disappear at a certain age, they have to learn focus and what is important/what battles to fight. We have to embed it in them, get on them, repeat and reinforce. If a rat were to get shocked every time it went for a piece of cheese.. eventually it would learn cheese is baaad.

As i came to the end of your work i had one thought in mind..

Amen Brother!

[Linda Stinson]

Yes, those "me-centric" children grow up to be "me-centric" parents which create a "me-centric" environment which breeds more "me centric" offspring. When will this madness end?

You touched on a very delicate subject here. It's got the "beauty in the eye of the beholder" thing going on. I must say you showed boldness and compassion on a subject that should be well thought through before addressed. Sometimes no words are the best words. You demonstrated that with your response to your friends open ended comment. Your simple act of silence. That alone was comprehended as "point taken." Afterall, she did began to take a harder line.

I thought the essay conveyed your thoughts clearly and it seemed to transport you back to that very moment when silence reighed, and you questioned yourself, "What would I have done differently?"

[Kristina Moulaison]

Ah ha. Reading this, I can see where you are coming from. I agree whole heartedly. I think I have been teaching these concepts in parenting classes so long that for me they are assumed. I do know, from experience, that for most, they are not. They must be taught. The questions I am asking are much broader I suppose but not more important. A little too lofty for the subject matter I think, which is very important. My interest in sociology and even criminal psychology began with this fundemental teaching of child development. Very funny about my mother in law, who was a nice but permissive and flustered parent. She has a new puppy and is having all kinds of trouble training him. She watches The Dog Whisperer and all that and she knows what it is she doesn't get, but she still can't get it- the authority that expects the right behavior. Her dog listens to me in a funny way in contrast. The thing she doesn't see is how uncomfortable her poor puppy is. She thinks if she is bossy, it is mean. She doesn't understand that he wants her to be in charge, so he can relax and be who he was meant to be. Similarly, children need to know who is in control, so they can relax and be children. This was well written and well thought out and communicated in a very concise understandable way.

[Christel Grady]

I want to tie up my boyfriend and make him read and understand this essay! Good job!!!

[jen]

I think the hardest part of being a parent is overcoming our own crappola that we end up as a result of our own childhood and dealing with it, continue to parent ourselves (if needed) and at the same time try and not screw our kids up by indulging them too much or depriving them. It is hard to find that balance when (if) we didn't have it ourselves. The underscore of being a good parent is (to me) 'the buck stops here" we have to take responsibility for what we do and say to them, how we interact with them and learn from our mistakes. There isn't a set formula anyone can find in a book, prescription or stinking Dr Phil (or stinking Dr Laura)... it's on the job training that you have to be invested in.

loved this essay... it really reflected how I feel and I have been in that position of "what a great kid!" and failed to have the wherewithall (don't know how to spell that right) to say... "um, actually, not so much" mostly because I had no follow up sentence for it... an explanation that would make sense..

[Scott Free]

Clap clap! Very good!
I almost wished this essay was longer and I was sad to come to the end of it. You're so right! If my parents always gave me what I wanted I would have neither the respect that I have of them now OR the great relationship with them. Your words were right on target, truthful and well-placed.
One thing--that paragraph with Tim McCarver and all that could go. It didn't support the essay very well or move the argument along. I would replace it with something a little different. A different anomaly.
But that's my only criticism. I wouldn't touch the rest.
I need to show this to some parents I know.

[Emily B]

And sometimes we find we don't want to be popular with other parents or teachers either. . . good words. I'm glad you finally found them.