On Moonlit Hill

Just so you know where I'll be.

 

On moonlit hill I contemplate

The whimsy of the lady, Fate.

 

In her wind I twist, I flail.

I flutter like an unbound sail.

 

On moonlit hill I sit with stars.

I plead they tell me where you are.

 

They do not speak, they do not tell.

They leave me to my mortal Hell.

 

On moonlit hill I sit alone

Awaiting love to lead me home.

 

I miss your look, I miss your touch.

I guess I loved you far too much.

 

On moonlit hill is where I'll be,

If ever you should pine for me

 

Reviews

[LisetteCanWrite!]

Short but full of emotions twisting through the rhythm and rhyme of love left to fate.. and isn't love really that way for most. I love the fact this does not sound like a desperate call to just anyone.. it felt like it was written for someone really special you are waiting for. Really great word-weaving.. with a sad but romantic movement flowing through.. awesome!

[PP]

Beautiful :)

[Doreen]

I can completely relate to this one. This is so wonderfully written. It flows well and tells a clear message. It's beautiful yet sad, dark and painful. Well done, sir. I enjoyed this.

[Stephanie]

Beautiful, touching and captivating. Really amazing write :)

[Bhavya Kaushik]

This is so beautifully written but yeah! it is very sad and dark too!
Very intense piece of writing...

Thank for participating in "The pain of my lonely nights" contest :)

[Seriana]

Sigh....this is absolutely stunning. Enchanting, lonely and wanting. Such a beautiful write. :)

[An Ordinary Woman]

This is gorgeous. I can see I should have been reading you well before now because you are a wonderful writer. I'm always afraid to assume the words I read are from personal experience or not, but regardless, they are beautiful even in the pain they carry. I enjoyed this immensely.

[T. F. Rice]

Jerry, this part is very good, and the end as well! :-)

On moonlit hill I contemplate
The whimsy of that lady, Fate.

In her wind I twist, I flail.
I flutter like an unbound sail.

On moonlit hill I sit with stars.
I plead they tell me where you are.


And then when I reach this part, it stops me. (They/They/They seems too playful, sing-song, for the topic you are speaking of??) Maybe because it is inconsistent with the rest of the poem; the rest is so well-crafted and these two lines seem repetitive, as if you can do better, to keep the poem flowing throughout more consistently:

They do not speak, they do not tell.
They leave me to my mortal Hell.

I hope this is helpful. Other than these lines, the poem is pretty strong overall and says a lot. Rather than being lovey-duvey and talking of pining for someone, you have instead focused on the place (real or in the mind) that you associate with this longing. That makes it a poem that others can more enjoy, relate to. Great! TFRice

[Emily B]

Where've you been hiding this? I thought I had read all your poetry. This is something I would have remembered. It would have been in my favorites all along.

One bad day is all it took to re-discover so many beautiful works.

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I absolutely love this kind of poetry, classical and pure, The rhythmn and structure is perfect and I could read it a thousand times and find each time as pleasing as the last. I really like your writing. Best wishes, Bethlynne.