Radagast The Brown

How the Lord Of The Rings *really* happened

 

But soft, hear now, a tale is told,

Not one that odes to heroes bold,

For they are common, far too often found.

 

The story I impart to thee

Uncovers a great mystery,

The underrated Radagast the Brown.

 

This wizard pops up now and then

In pages written by Tolkien,

But never do they recognize his worth,

 

Since attention grabbing Hobbits

Came and rewrote all the good bits

When it’s Radagast that rescued Middle Earth!

 

Now Radagast did seldom run

About adventuring for fun,

Fellowships, they weren’t his cup of tea.

 

And yet, he traveled in demand

Through Mordor, Gondor and Rohan

The greatest wizard of Accountancy.

 

When Saruman, the Wizard White,

Had turned to evil in the fight,

He first consulted Radagast at length.

 

And Radagast, the Wizard Brown,

Took all the Orcish taxes down

For really mathematics were his strength.

 

Do you believe the seven walls

Of Minas Tirith’s hallowed halls

Could stand if their expenses were not cut?

 

Old Radagast would juggle books

And wrangle like the best of crooks

To help the Gondor Regent in a rut.

 

Now returning to our story,

Was it majesty or glory

That tempted Radagast to save the world?

 

I assure you, strictly business

Was all Radagast would address

As the fate of Middle Earth was thus unfurled.

 

About the time our hobbits moved

Upon the crevice of Mount Doom,

Wizard Brown was having lunch in Barad-dûr,

 

When the taxes, to his chagrin,

Showed expenses simply staggering,

Sauron’s bank account had all but hit the floor.

 

To the Great Eye in his tower,

Radagast gave half an hour,

And here is what the LotR books don’t tell,

 

As the Wizard Brown confessed,

The Dark Lord’s cardiac arrest

Caused him to die, and so his tower fell.