Chapter thirteen: Less than human

Again, sorry if these are not very good... Things haven't been easy for me lately. Just hope it brings someone a modicum of joy. Thank you to all who read.

-13- Less than human

 

Wrenching agony filled me, as I faced the gallows… Taking small steps, I tried to find something about myself worthy of saving. Infinite eyes, endless judgment, and torturous words had no end… Watching the noose being tied, a minor moment of sadness rose, but wavered. This is right… this is what should happen. The world should not have me in it. I do not belong here. Willingly I walk forward and the scratchy rope was slipped around my neck. Taking a life while, being nothing in life… I deserve to die… Closing my eyes, I tried to remember a moment where I achieved anything worthy. All my words were empty and meaningless, for I am a fool… My strength means nothing considering the way I used it. All that I am, amounts to the death and injury of others… The verdict and judgment was spoken, but it sounded distorted, far away. Cries of justice, vile comments, and storming blended screams surrounded me, all wanting my death.

 

Without any warning, I fell. The floor had been dropped from beneath me. It was not as I anticipated and I simply continued falling. The rope tightened, no sudden tension to break my neck. Searing rope continued to shrink my throat shut as I seemed to fall straight through the ground toward hell itself. Cheers were all I heard aside from the skirling panic in my own mind. I felt my eyes bulging now and I was unable to close my mouth, due to sheer constriction. Please... let me die. Let this end, let me be no more…

 

“No!” I sprung up in the dark, it was early sunrise. “Oh… oh god…” I touched my neck, still able to feel the sting of each rope strand.

 

That was incredibly real… My throat hurts and I feel empty inside, emptier… Oh my god, I want to die... Clutching my legs, I fell on my side and kicked myself under the blanket. A fervent wave of tears fell from my eyes as I relived the pain of my greatest mistake. It felt like I had been strangled… My air was completely gone, only enough existed to breath softly and cry steadily. Killing myself would devastate the being that is trying to help me… But it is simply the only thing I can conceivably do to end this pain and repay the crime I have committed. What in gods name can I really do? This is my new world, the new inhabitants I live with… and I killed one of them… That fact wont change, it will never go away! Creeping from bed, the freezing stone floor was enough to make me gasp. It felt weird, but I went to Urving… No, I didn’t wake him or climb into his bed, but I made sure he was there… Something inside me needed to know he was there and that I could see him when I needed.

 

It was impossible to sleep however and so I made myself some tea (thank you Ferris) to try and soothe the whirlwind of remorse. It was impossible to remove both the replay of my terrible actions and the new haunting nightmare of being hung to death. Stinging against my strained neck, each touch of my shirt sent signals of pain through my body. No markings had appeared, but the wounds were present, mentally, spiritually, or something…

 

After a while, I realized I had fallen asleep and waking sort of scared me. I wasn’t in my room and waking up on the couch threw my sense of security. Scurrying for my room, I stopped half way and almost cried again. It just hurts… I can’t explain the feeling properly. Like a part of me no longer exists and I do not matter. Really, I don’t think I matter… I know where cleaning chemicals are, should I just poison myself? It would be for the best in the long run, I just know it… The door opened spontaneously and the thudding of Urving’s paws was heard.

 

“Hey buddy, you awake?” Urving gently rolled me over. “I gotta go, but I should be back sooner tonight! I made ya breakfast, but it isn’t anything fancy. I’m sorry.” Once my attention was honed, he informed me of his schedule.

“Thanks… Have a good one.” I said as happy as I could, which was a null effort.

“Sorry to wake ya man.” Urving pulled the blanket over me. “Have a kick a*s day!” His unending happiness forced a real smile to appear on my face.

“Thanks again Urving… See ya.” Waving softly, I fell back into bed and sighed.

 

Something inside of me wanted to run after him… Wanted to fall to my knees, beg forgiveness, and plead him to understand. Yet, I remained in place, awaiting sleep to take me again. He knows everything, yet never have I been pressed to explain. Doesn’t he want to know? Does he think he understands or… does he secretly fear me? That is a stupid notion… Regardless of how he feels about my past murder, Urving could kill me instantly. Dalton and I were relatively even, but fighting Urving inspires unrelenting dread. I cannot hurt him and I can’t… Why am I thinking this way? I do not want to hurt Urving, but for some reason it is important to know I could. Like a man in prison fighting to show his dominance, desperate to avoid abuse. Tears strewn down my face, as I imagined the way he could have treated me. Urving could snap me in half or consume me with a single gulp. This is not right, I deserve the punishments I have listed, but Urving does nothing except show love. I am so grateful, but I simply do not understand the logic…

 

Opening the warm drawer, I found a plate with two pastries on it and a smaller cup of coffee. A small smile crept over me as I lifted the human sized mug and read my name in large, dark, green letters. A sigh fell from my lips, as I set the mug down and took a moment to absorb the gift. He is so eager to make me feel at home, but he isn’t at all concerned about my crimes? About what I did to Dalton, to his kind… On earth we feared these creatures so greatly, some of the people in my group committed suicide. The absolute terror of being taken away, to god knows where, pushed them to the breaking point. Not to mention, all the men and women I watched go insane from loss or sheer shock. The memories of what they did to us are just as painful, but on a personal level, my actions are unforgiveable.

 

The pastries were similar to toaster tarts, or whatever their f*****g called. The main difference was that these were filled with meat and gravy, instead of fake fruit paste. The second one was more like a desert and I knew this from the glazed coating. It was filled with crème cheese or something of the likeness, along with bits of peaches and apples. It was much more appetizing than the other one, but the meat pocket filled me up more. The main point of stating all of this, is that even though Urving was in a hurry this morning, he put these in the… toaster? Microwave? They felt baked, but… Regardless, Urving took the time! To care, to make sure I would be fed and I had something when I woke up. Even though I could easily feed myself, it is just nice to have food immediately.

 

“Few heroes stood against the darkness, but they managed to bring light to the land once again." As the game loaded I sighed and wished Urving was here.

 

Alone, the game is ridiculously hard… Not a single fight was easily accomplished and not one enemy went down without severely wounding me. I have died several times already and my half full experience point meter is now empty. Honestly I wasn’t giving a great effort, just sort of trying to forget myself… Still, with perseverance and focus I managed to kill the first three bandits in a small temple like structure… At this point I simply decided to collect the available loot and turn the game off. I am just too depressed to do this… Sleep, that sounds good… Closer to death than waking reality.

 

The dreams and nightmares ensnared me with a reaping grip, taking from me the peace I hoped to achieve in sleep. When I did wake up, my thoughts were flooded by scraps of nightmares and endless amounts of sadness. As if to add to my melancholy, it was raining the second time I got up. The past is something that will haunt me for a very long time, as I deserve. This misery is my punishment… Never will I escape this feeling and I don't deserve the peace that would bring.

 

A distant sound awoke me, but soon after I froze with fear. A voice, someone spoke in the household! Locking my body up, I tried to breath as softly as possible… After a little movement, the voice spoke again and I recognized it this time. Swiftly and silently, I closed my door and began dressing myself properly. Though all I needed were pants, I would hate to be caught covering myself with my t-shirt… Before long, someone knocked gently and called to me.

“Issac, you home sweetheart?” Urma awaited my response out in the hall.

 

Opening the door, her light auburn eyes sparked with happiness. “Hello Urma, sorry I was still asleep.” Rubbing my head, I tried to ignore my desires to die.

 

“Oh go on and nap sugar. I just wanted to know where ya were.” She nodded assuredly, waving a paw toward me.

 

“I think I oughta get up…” I stretched and began following her as she headed back to the living room.

 

“Well then, here ya go!” Urma whipped a little package out of her purse and pushed it into my hands.

It was… candy… My heart sank, cracked a little, then fell to pieces. Regardless of how terrible I felt inside, my smile and appreciative eyes lifted to her vibrant face. This lollipop type treat was shaped like a jar of honey, which would have made me smile at other times. Urma couldn’t have been happier with the hug I gave in exchange for the gift, but the affection she showed was more than I deserved. The soft rasp of her voice and plush feel of her fur, made this unavoidably comforting… Once the hug ended she began toward the living, but stopped half way up the hall.

 

“Your room looks great kiddo!” Urma put her arm back to both reference my abode and await my arrival at her side.

“Thank you, Urving helped me set everything up.” My response made her smile broadly.

“Has it been good here so far? I know you were apprehensive at first…” Her response was somewhat sad. “Has Urving been a good fit?” She glanced down at me.

 

“Yeah, I just don’t know if I am a good fit for him…” I was secretly referencing my past, but she didn’t get that.

 

“Oh nonsense little guy, you are a great match for my brother! The both of you just need some time together.” Urma was relentless about her belief, which was uplifting in a way. “A few precious memories, a road trip or two, maybe a few more parties… guarantee you and Urv will be best buds!” Urma searched for a tea capsule, but was upset to only find an empty box.

 

“It feels nice to hear you say that. I really appreciate you trying to make me… feel welcome…” It was hard to speak proper, but she didn’t point out my sorrowed falters.

“That’s what I’m here for! Hopefully you aren’t so afraid of me now.” She bent over at the waist, her eyes becoming much more detailed.

“Of course not… I never was honestly!” Fake laughing disarmed the emotion in my head, heart, and voice.

 

“Oh that's good to hear!” She faked a ton of relief, then knelt for a hug. “Can I ask a favor Iza?”

 

“Uhh sure?” I leaned out of her hug, the silky fur brushing against my face.

 

“Can you play your guitar for me?” The fur on her cheeks spread outward from how big her smile was.

“Oh… of course!” I pat her fluffed paw and smiled as best I could.

“Ooh, can you play with your collar on? That would be so cute, er… tough!” She tried to change the meaning of that sentence, but I just smirked at her.

“Yeah, one canine concert coming up.” It felt good to try and… be happy.

 

It was shocking Urma knew about me and what I have done. How is that all she wants? It sort of throws my entire view of her off skew. Her affection is so light and tender, so perhaps she was a little afraid of me… I doubt this, as her first image of me was my cowering in the entryway. It is not fair to her, to have to hide something so terrible about me… Nobody should even have to speak to me or see me… Perhaps I will wear this collar all the time, be someone entirely new… That just feels like hiding from my past, not facing the reality. Rationalizing this leads nowhere and nothing I can do will make any difference in the world… Urma was awaiting me in the living room, so I quickly clicked the collar around my neck and collected my guitar. Seeing myself as a creature of this world, an Anthronian, was strange to say the least… Playing my guitar with paws may be a bit more difficult than I imagined… But they are my hands and I am still the same person… Same forever…

 

“Oh my gosh, you look so adorable!” Urma threw her paws open for a hug, so I walked over to oblige.

 

“Thank you…” It felt wrong to accept affection and feel loved. “I’m nothing special though, it’s the guitar, really.” I posed with it, but she didn't take her eyes off my face.

“Don’t you sell yourself short! You’re a cutie and I bet you’ll nab a beautiful wife!” Urma cuddled her paws together, as if I was still in them.

“Th-thank you Urma…” This is too much… “What did you want to hear?” I asked a rather stupid question. I don't know any songs from this planet.

 

“Ooh, can you play country? I have always liked earthling country music!” Urma exclaimed, particularly happy that I asked.

 

“Uh sure, but I have to admit that isn’t my forte… Forgive me if this sucks.” She scoffed and folded her arms, shooting a friendly glare my way.

 

“Give yourself credit! You know how to play an instrument, that’s something special!” Urma applauded a little, as I began to pluck the twanging sounds she requested.

 

With a little work, I got her clapping rhythmically with the song I remembered from earth. Though I do not think she recognized this song, Urma was overjoyed that I fulfilled her request. Not sure what came next, I stopped mid strum and just sort of laughed, but Urma practically begged for more. It was apparent that I had a similar effect on Urma, as on her brother. My errors and moments of lacking effort didn’t phase her, as she seemed eager to see me smile or even make eye contact. Honestly, I really dislike country… Not trying to mock anyone who does enjoy it, it just never was my favorite. Urma however, loved and even named a few of the tunes I managed to strum out. Inside it was hard to find the light, that good feeling that conjures from creating music. Still I provided uplifting entertainment, complete with tail dancing, and paw stomping.

“Thank you bunches Issac! This really made my day!” Urma offered another hug, but I just bowed.

“Could I… play something different? Is that alright?” I asked sheepishly, unsure if I should be though…

 

“Of course sweetheart! Can you play in my lap? Is there enough room?” Urma seemed a little embarrassed, but her pleasant demeanor was inviting.

 

A simple nod made her overjoyed and she lifted me into her lap, then handed me my guitar. Now, I have played laying on my back before, but you cannot understand how distracting the situation was… Trying to remember and play songs was ten times harder with a giant bear petting, pampering, and praising you… I imagine this is what it will be like if Urving ever requests this, but I was relieved that Urma showed some restraint. Still she rubbed my ears like good luck charms, scratched my stomach through my shirt, and pat my head with glee. This was a much happier moment for her, than it was for me however… I couldn't validate her kindness or enjoy the pleasant feelings my fake ears caused me.

 

In my mind I was void of any and all happy feelings. Urma showed endless cheer over my simple performance, but I was playing some truly sad songs. Though not as well as the original artists, the desired effect was achieved as I silently sang in my head. It hurt deeply, though a fake passion never left my face… muzzle… Opening my eyes and seeing a snout extending from my face made things feel unreal, like a dream I was having. This feeling never lasted, as the hum of the collar could steadily be heard over the reverberations of my guitar. This illusory coyote covering is not who I am, though I wish I could hide behind the mask forever…

 

“Oh honey, you are really good!” Urma declared as the song came to an end. “That was beautiful!”

 

“Thank you…” The dulcet, yet inspired melody still ran through my head. “I really like that song, I can’t quite remember the name…” This reply made her lean down and snuggle me, her touching my muzzle tickled my actual nose.

 

“I have to call Urnest and see if he got home safely. I will be right back, eat your treat hun!” Urma stood, with me in her arms, then set me on the couch.

“Say hi for me.” I muttered as she began to leave, but a brilliant smile was given in return.

 

Once alone I fell back into deepest depression. Looking down and seeing paws was a constant reminder of Dalton… Though entirely different in shape and color, it was the only thing on my mind… What sort of music did he enjoy? What was Dalton like? What would he be doing now? Could we have really been… friends? Tears formed and I saw them rolling down my muzzle, though I felt them staining my cheeks. This is a very odd feeling, the way this illusory form mimics actual sensations.

 

It was no use, I walked to my room and wept as quietly as I could. Sadness has formed a new meaning, a heightened clarity... No amount of love will make this right or change how I feel about myself. I am marching toward the grave, plain and simple. All I am, amounts to the death of others, that’s what the dream was trying to tell me. Then again, I always thought people who found meaning in dreams to be foolish. I don’t know what to think anymore really… Removing the collar, I saw my hands appear from beneath the distorted pulses. For a second… I swear, they were bloody…

It felt ridiculous, but I didn’t want to offend Urma. Unwrapping the sticky, translucent yellow blob, I sighed twirling it in my fingers. This feels so wrong… Both degrading and insulting to the memory of Dalton Grain. No… she is trying to be kind. Urma wants me to feel welcome and enjoy my life with her brother. It cannot be that simple for me though… Nothing will make up for that, no matter how you rationalize it. Everything just feels so wrong…

 

Like yesterday, though at a slightly earlier time… my pager phone chimed out an alert. Upon being opened, the phone flashed an image of Urving’s number and picture, then showed me his end of the line. It is sort of a funny way to call, as the recipient can just see you waiting for them to answer… Urving checked his watch once or twice and swiped a paw over his hair, then looked a little disappointed. As he lowered the device, I quickly answered, not wanting to let him down.

“OH HEY! Thought you were busy with Urma or something!” Urving exclaimed vibrantly, pulling the phone close to his face.

 

“Heya Urving. How you?” It was difficult to speak with the candy glued to my mouth.

“Great! Today has been real boring, so I been missing ya pal!” He shook the phone a little. “Can’t wait to see ya!” The smile he paired with these words, cut deep into my heart.

 

“Me too man.” I said with as much devotion as I could conjure. “Can’t wait till you get home!” His eyes lit up like fireworks upon hearing this.

 

“Thank you, that made my day…” He growled softly, a frank grin lining his face. “I should get back earlier than yesterday!” Announcing this made him bounce with excitement.

 

“Awesome! Maybe you can help me in Dread bringer, I’m sort of stuck…” Anything, any words that will keep this false happiness going.

 

“Sounds great! Looking forward to it!” Urving was having a cigarette, which made him look kinda cool in his security garb. “How’s your day going bud?” Peering deeply into his phone, Urving studied my face.

“Great, I slept in pretty late and when Urma got here I played guitar for her. All good so far!” It made me happy sort of, making him smile…

 

“A’ww, I better get to hear some guitar soon!” Urving fake complained, taking a finishing drag on his cigarette. “I gotta go bud, but thanks for chatting with me a while!”

 

“Thanks for calling me. It’s cool getting to talk to ya like this!” Though it was fake, the smile I gave came from desired emotions.

“No problem! See ya soon buddy! Have a great night!” Urving waved to me, the phone jarring  a little.

“Bye Urving, be safe tonight…” I am unsure what made me say this, but I did and he shot me a funny face.

 

“Thanks bro, I will!” His vibrant attitude lit a tiny fire in my heart.

Shutting the phone, I watched each little light flicker off, until it was devoid of all electronic life. This loneliness, the longing to have someone here… was immeasurable. Inside I was hopelessly depressed and my only saving grace was to discuss things with Urving and Urma. What if they are not as supportive as Ferris? I deserve that interrogation, but I hope that friendship will outshine fear, anger, or disdain. Though I expected the upmost understanding from Urving, I do not think I deserved it. It felt wrong to have them ignore my unforgiveable crimes… I can’t think straight right now, like my mind is circling the drain and nothing can save it. I wish I was never born… So many lives would be better off. Some of the others claim I am going to be the best thing that happened to Urving, but I really cannot believe that…

As I stood up, something caught my eye. Colors of all kind caught the light and sparkled off in a vibrant pattern. The stuffed animal Urving gave me stared blankly across the room. Unable to avoid smiling when I saw this little critter, my hands took it from the inlaid shelves against my will. Something about this little friendly monster was endearing and made me feel moments of hope. Holding it up a little, I pretended it was brand new, trying to ignore the shreds and frays. My thoughts distanced from me further and further, until I was consumed by day dreams. In my thoughts cub Urving and pup Dalton played together, wanting another playmate… Tears slid down my cheeks yet again, as I imagined myself joining the fun. In this mental projection we were all… friends…

“That was Urving’s favorite toy as a cub! It is precious seeing you holding it!” Urma exclaimed making her presence in the doorway known.

“Oh, thanks… Didn’t see ya there…” Urma could see my emotion, but I think she wanted to avoid addressing it. “Do you have one Urma?” Asking this offhand got me more back story than I would’ve expected.

“When we were young, there was this carnival and a games reward was this xoluti. Urving and I thought, because it was the only one, that it would really be lucky, like the stories.” Urma sat on my bed, the cushion just barely fitting her body. “We both tried really hard to get it and Urving won with our last token!” She picked me up, some strain in her voice, then plopped me on her lap.

 

“That’s a fun story. He must’ve been happy!” This was not hard to fake, as her tender demeanor was greatly appreciated.

“Oh you bet! He taunted me for a week straight, but then said we could share it whenever I needed extra luck.” Urma chuckled when she saw my tiny smile.

“Sorry if I sound stupid or insulting, but are you or Urving older?” My question was to distract my mind, keep me smiling.

“I am, silly! Urving was, is, and always will be my brother cub!” She tickled my belly, after using this affectionate title for Urving.

“Oh, well, he is just so big… I kind of assumed.” I chuckled to myself, but she just joined in.

 

“Nope, we get it all the time! When I was dating in my youth, I used to say he was my older brother to scare guys into behaving!” Urma was bright as she pretended to punch me, complete with a little “pow” sound. “Urv’s harmless though, he couldn’t hurt a fly, even if he caught one!” She laughed, with me tailing, a bit less enthused.

I wanted to ask her about my file so badly, ask her to tell me what she really thought… It felt like the right atmosphere and she has been so friendly thus far. It just felt wrong to ruin a good thing, when Urma is obviously having a nice time. That time would come, I would be able to ask her what she truly thought of me and face the consequences of critical judgment. Maybe I shouldn’t ask, it would completely alter our still growing relationship. A meek smile was still worn, as I looked up out of my own thoughts, to Urma’s awaiting face…

“I’m sorry, I was sort of lost in thought…” I sighed, trying to convey how upset I was with myself.

 

“No problem sugar, I just asked if you were hungry.” Urma was staring at me alert eyes and attentive ears. “Also told you my whole life story, but that’s cool!” She added sarcastically, waving a paw like it wasn’t a big deal.

 

“Guess I really am tired if I missed all that!” Adding to other peoples jokes is the only way I really know how to be funny…

“Well feel free to nap Issac!” Urma offered placing me into sleeping position.

“It was a joke! I’m fine. Thank you though.” Hopping up, I marched in place, showing my energy.

“If you wanted to smoke or play games you can do that too!” The tone she used was inviting, but a bit disappointed.

“I wouldn’t be a very gracious host if I just left you alone, would I?” She half gushed, patting my head in response to this.

 

“Oh honey, we’re family now! That may sound weird, but I want you to feel comfortable around me all the time!” Urma pulled me into a side hug, which was less comfortable than Urving’s.

 

“Th-thank you Urma…” I said softly, lowering my head to hide my brewing tears. “I really appreciate how you have treated me. I want to repay you somehow…” It took all I was to face her and not cry, but smile instead.

“Just be happy. Nothing would be better for me!” She rubbed my cheek, tilting her head as the vibrant crimson eyes shut lovingly. “Also quit smoking and try to gain some weight too, k bud?” Urma’s face and voice matched a concerned mother, trying to be both real yet fun.

 

All I could do was force laughter. It was the only thing that would keep me from showing the deep inner turmoil, which I wrestled with. Not a second has passed that I felt any better about myself, only more gratitude toward those around me. The way I am treated by these creatures is astounding, considering how horrible I truly am… If she knows about my past and treats me with so much kindness, then she simply has to be a loving and accepting person. Like her brother, Urma chooses to look past what I did and examine me in a different light. Instead of a violent, dangerous human… she see’s the fear and anxiety that I cannot escape. This made me want to meet their parents and thank them for producing such loving people. In my mind… I became desperate to thank Urving. It felt like if I didn’t do it soon, he would stop trusting me or his demeanor would change. This fear was suddenly so potent, that I had to fight to ignore it and reassure myself Urving would be the same bear when he gets home.

 

After a short while, Urma and I retired to the living room. We had coffee and a mild chit-chat, but nothing major. This led to her showing me photos of Urnest, Urving, and herself as cubs. It sounds funny to say, considering their size (future Urnest included), but they were all tiny as cubs! Urving was a pudgy little fluff ball back then, big enough for me to have held. Surprisingly, Urma was also a bit chunkier as a youth. I am unsure if she simply grew into her own body or if work and dedication played a roll in it, but she was slender now (for a giant bear).

 

“I wish I had photo’s of when you were a littl’un! That would be precious!” Urma pat my head when she saw me in thought and not looking at the photo of her parents. “Something on your mind sweetheart?” She asked as my words failed to come forth.

 

“No, just wish I had some pictures too…” It was hard to say this without sounding sad. “I don’t have anything from earth, ya know? None of my stuff…” It was a made up reason, yet an incredibly painful truth.

“Oh honey… I’m so sorry…” Urma’s apology was unneeded, but I appreciated it none the less. “I know! Let’s take some pictures now!” Urma quickly began rifling through her purse.

“Sure!” My heart was a little warmer as Urma produced her pager and snuggled me close.

 

“Smile big, Issac!” Urma commanded lovingly, as she held up her pager.

 

Smiling just then, it felt conflicted… I wanted to be happy, feel good, and have a nice time, but I just couldn’t accept this joy. Still, I watched the flash repeat a few times, as Urma posed behind me or told me what to do for the photo. Watching her browse the pictures and delete the out of focus or simply unwanted ones, I couldn’t avoid feeling real shards of happiness. Though minor, like a single thread being tugged to reveal its true burden, I felt a tiny spark of happiness igniting my soul slowly. Urma began clawing through my hair, stating she wanted to style it for another photo. When I just took it in, the affection and the joviality of the situation, I was lost… Leaning back into Urma’s less squishy body, I felt her free paw gently grip me and a faint happy sound growled from her. This picture made her gush when she looked at it, me specifically.

 

“Oh my gosh you are so handsome!” Urma showed me the photo of my windswept hairdo and her huge grin. “I’m sending this to Urving, he’s gonna be so jealous!” She began clicking away on her pager.

 

Jealous… of being around me? My stomach filled with butterflies, but I just clenched it to kill them quickly. It doesn’t feel right! F**k, I hate myself so much, but I am being bombarded with love. Urma hummed lightly, skimming through her photos of me slowly, enjoying each one again. I’m certain she is trying to be nice, extra special for me… I appreciate that, unendingly, but I do not deserve it. What can I do to return this ultimate favor? How do I show gratitude for the greatest second chance in the universe? It’s funny how quickly my vocabulary has changed from “world” to “universe”, now that I know what is out here…

 

“Ya hungry buddy? I bet you could do with a sandwich or something.” Urma stood up, stretching a little.

“Sure, I can make us both something if you would prefer to relax. What would you like?” I got up quickly, jogging to make it in front of her.

“You are just to much bud.” Urma nudged me, placing a paw to her heart. “Come on, we’ll do it together!” With a wave of her paw, she pat me on the shoulder and gently pushed me into the kitchen.

 

Standing at the counter, I sighed internally and tried to reach the surface, but could barely touch it. Grumbling about my height, I was lifted and placed atop a small, cubic stool. Urma glanced down at me, a tiny smirk appearing for a few seconds. Her relentlessly loving attitude and unstoppably endearing disposition, disarmed the time bomb burning away in my worthless mind. It was easy to get lost with someone who acts like your mother… What would my folks have thought? I imagine dad wouldn’t have had much to say, but mom… My mother would’ve surely been heartbroken, just like I am now. Ferris is right, I am not evil… just scared… Fear is dangerous when left unchecked.

 

This fear was forestalled momentarily, as Urma and I made sandwiches. I cannot imagine anything so simple making me feel this good. Honestly, Urma is what made this so fun, every little option and choice accompanied with friendly words or advice. Urving has yet to let me in the kitchen, as he seems to enjoy cooking for me, but Urma was introducing me to all the utensils, devices, and other assorted goods. She showed me what packages or boxes held instant snacks and what were ingredients for larger meals. She tried to teach me letters and words and though I didn’t learn, I thanked her from the bottom of my heart. That meant the world to me for some reason…

 

“Would you like to watch a movie Issac? It’s one of my favorites!” Urma offered once our meals were prepared.

“Of course, sounds great!” The idea would certainly keep my mind off the dark thoughts still raging around my skull.

 

She clicked through the television, unknown words and letters being punched into the machine. Soon, the television made a confirmation noise and the screen went black for a moment. The films introduction was somber, filmed mostly in a bluish hue, and set around a prison yard. It heavily emphasized how high and unforgiving the walls are. Many moments of physical violence were shown in the background, but it would fade, just before it became incredibly graphic. This is one of Urma’s favorite movies? Really? Just watching the first twenty minutes, I am convinced we are going to see someone get stabbed and possibly raped. Someone began narrating, talking about his life and the things he thought weren’t right. A part of me was aware of the contrasts this film may hold, so I wonder… Did Urma purposely choose this movie? She had to of… Is she trying to ask or tell me something?

 

“You take away all the good from someone and all that is left will be evil. Even if it wasn’t there before, something has to fill that void.” This was the first line that stood out to me. “One thing I have learned in prison… You cannot take someone’s evil and expect to find good… They had to have it in the first place. What is better? To have been born with a good heart or to have to fight to change who you are?” The narrator was finally revealed to be a thin, pale yellow leopard, with a crop of dreadlocks atop his head.

Watching this movie I gathered it was essentially the life of a convict, who killed an intruder in his families home when he was younger. Though he does not claim innocence, he is very poignant in his thoughts about said actions. This man, er, feline… believes good can turn into evil, but something evil cannot ever be good, or pure. However, he desperately struggles with what he did and wonders if it is right… During the course of the film, his family visited, separately. Each one had a differing opinion of his actions, as well as the message that they are moving on and will no longer see him. The convict, Sam, was visited by his sister first. She was heading off to college and this is why she couldn’t visit regularly anymore. In her eyes Sam is entirely innocent, thinking she would be dead if he hadn’t killed the intruder six years ago.

 

“You really got into Grand bell institute? Sis, I always said you were smart as hell!” Sam showed his first real joy of the movie here.

 

“Yeah, but… you know, Samvell, I wont be able to see you.” She thought a moment, then began to tear up. “I wouldn’t be here if not for you…”

“Sarria, stop it. I hate seeing you cry. I don’t want you to worry. You always had a brighter future than me. I did what anyone would… do…” He faded off and bowed his head.

 

The look on his face was disturbed and prolonged. It cut scene to him in the cafeteria, where a minor scuffle occurred, but someone was shanked regardless. For whatever reason, they interrogated Samvell. Though he said nothing, the perpetrator of this attack seemed to blame him with his eyes. After this transgression, he began thinking back on what he had said to his sister. Would anyone really have done what he did? Defend ones family with violence and savagery?

 

The film flashed images of his memories. It was nighttime, a light rain could be heard, but was muted by the murmurs of a television. All of a sudden the mood was shattered by an ear bleeding scream. Three figures, undetailed in the shadows, rushed toward the back of the house. A psychotic looking rat stood over his sister, a jagged knife poised at her throat. Sam’s mother and father began bartering for their kittens life with money, gems, and even their own lives. Brandishing the knife carelessly, the rat ran it around the screeching felines tiny spots. As the fiendish rodent began to speak his demands, a figure shifted behind him. In a flash of crimson the thug was dropped to the floor by a clank of metal. He twitched on the floor, attempting to retrieve his knife, but the camera slowly panned to tiny Samvell, his blood soaked fur and mortified eyes faded to his now somber, older, and damaged stare. Just as our portal to his past faded, you saw the cub lift the fire poker and drive it downward with a disgusting squelch.

 

 Samvell pondered this memory deeply. He came to the conclusion, that all species defend there family or flee danger as cowards. He took a moment to imagine what it would’ve been like, had he not killed the intruder that night. All it resulted to was a shudder, before he continued lifting weights. A shiver crept along my spine, as I agree with his actions, but do not condone them… Is that wrong? Would I not have this overwhelming guilt if I killed Dalton to protect my parents?

“Hello Sam. It is… It’s good to see you.” Samvell’s mother was the next scene we were shown, an aged tan leopardess with graying spots.

 

“Thank you for visiting Ma.” His eyes, my god, this actor is so talented. “You can’t imagine how special this is for me.” The look on his face is exactly what I would expect my own to be, if I got to see my mother again.

 

“Samvell, you… Do you know why I am visiting?” She was stern, didn't sit down, and bowed her head with shame.

 

“Well, to see me, right?” Sam was broken up, he really just wanted to talk with her. “Is that not… What’s wrong?”

 

“You… You’re father and I…” Sam’s mother, Llora, began, but sniffled to a stop. “Samvell, you need to understand we love you, but… things haven’t been easy…” His mother composed herself a moment, then continued. “I am leaving your father and moving to Zeth Ur. I will… never see you again Samvell.” The man in him collapsed and you saw his vulnerable inner child appear.

 

The tormented eyes sparked with sorrow and his maw fell open. “M-ma… I…” Sam began, but cried a moment. “I want you to be happy. I’m sorry… Sorry you never got to be proud of me…” Standing, he turned away and walked to the guarded door. “Take care of yourself mia’ma.” This made his mother gasp softly and put a paw to her heart.

“I love you Sam. Be safe…” She rose, dabbing her eyes, then slipped away.

 

The next scene was Samvell walking back to his cell, two armed guards holding bayonets to his back. In his head (narrated), he talked about understanding his mother leaving his father, but didn’t know why she had to tell him. Back in his cell, he chatted with his cellmate, more like threatened into submission… It was an awful sight, this young man, barely old enough to go out on his own, sealed in a world of threats, danger, and turmoil. We are sort of alike, in more ways than I care to mention… Knowing how deep he is, made these vicious threats feel fake. Like a different character was speaking, not the Samvell we have been watching thus far. The cellmate, a black and gray fox, was taunting him over the lunchroom incident, stating he would die for snitching. Sam tried to ignore him, standing at the cell door, weeping silently, but the shadowy fox was relentless.

They ended up fighting. A brutal, frenzied, chaotic, and overall morbid display. Samvell lost a fang, but clawed the lower lip of the foxes muzzle open. The fox slammed his head against the stone floor twice, but on the second time, Sam managed to force him forward into the bunk bed frame. It was a powerful scene, blood leaked profusely and I wanted to look away. It ended with the thinner, older fox begging for his life, cowering in the corner as Sam brandished bloody claws.

 

Stepping closer, the hissing snarls matched his blood crazed eyes. Clutching the throat of his opponent, he raised a dripping claw overhead, but stopped. Droplets of falling blood caught his attention and he released the smaller being. An instant shift in emotion, changed him into a pool of misery. Sobbing relentlessly Samvell fell into a fetal position and began clawing at the floor, to remove the blood. It was as if it frightened him, he was devastated by the fact he had just hurt another being. Good god, this is too much… Modestly and with as little noise as possible, I began crying as well. This is too close to my own reaction and remembrance…

 

During his moment of weakness, the fox took action and began stomping his skull into the concrete floor. Samvell just covered himself, allowing this punishment to take its course. The guards pulled them out and began mercilessly beating the two of them. Samvell just sobbed, pawing the blood away as best he could. With a faint, almost invisible voice, Sam begged for forgiveness. He apologized relentlessly and asked for them to ignore what he had done. Samvell, pleaded and assured the guards that he didn't want this. Even with continued threats of death from the fox, all Sam could do was try to explain himself. Try to make them understand…

 

Urma gently put her arm over me and pulled me close. The gates broke… My willpower shattered… I wept endlessly against her for roughly ten minutes. She simply pat my back and told me “it’s alright”. My god, she did this on purpose! Why? What made her want to do this to me? It isn’t beneficial to her in anyway, but she still chose to put me through this, why? After a few minutes Urma leaned me back and I put my hands to my eyes, unwilling to look at her. With a single claw, she lowered my arms and I was forced to stare into her piercing gaze. Nothing was different, she stared at me with the same acceptance and love as before. Her face was somber, yet loving, like a mother showing understanding to her child. There was a long silence. Though only seconds in reality, it felt like an eternal stare, as if we were set in stone.

“You were forgiven a long time ago little one…” Urma said as I felt the fiery tears intensify. “Please stop crying Issac.”

 

“I-I-I’m a monster!” My muffled screeching caused her to tremble.

“No, Issac, no…” She gripped my shoulders. “Oh gods, you are such a good person!” Her hug was unavoidable, it crumbled my hopeless defense.

 

“I don-, I don’t deserve to live…” The breathily whispered words invited my dread take deepest root. “I sh-should’ve… I should die!” Another wailing fit of dismay cut through me.

 

“No, Iza… I, I’m so sorry!” She shut off the TV a pleading panic lined her voice.

God it burned… I have cried on a mortifying level during the last two days. My eyes stung as if each little droplet was a needle or shard of glass, shredding through the socket. The physical pain was nominal compared to my emotional anguish. My soul burned and it will burn in hell. I don’t believe in hell, but I will go there if it does exist... My suffering should be endless and agonizing, till the very end. No hope of reprisal exists, I am weeping in my own grave, waiting to be buried... I deserve to die, in whatever way would be the most painful and agonizing. Skin me alive, rip my limbs off, devour me piece by bloody piece… I don't care, my life is nothing, it’s over…

 

“Hush little honey paw, don’t you cry. Everything is gonna be alright. Rest your head, close your eyes, know you’re safe here by my side.” Urma used a singsong voice, as she cooed a lullaby into my distorted soul. “I love you and that’s no lie, even when we say goodbye. Now, hush those tears and make a smile, I will always love you child.”

It was one half “I’m a little teapot” and one half “Twinkle, twinkle little star”. There were several minutes of silence as I simply stared at her quivering, sniffling, and still partially sobbing. With a small loving sound, she placed her nose to my cheek and nuzzled gently. Tears continued to flow endlessly, but she didn't seem bothered. Urma continued to hum her melody, as the monster in her lap let loose every ounce of sorrow that remained. No words could explain the level of anguish each tear drop held… No voice is loud enough to shout my gratitude properly… Never will I be able to return the goodness in these creatures hearts, for it is limitless.

 

“Shh, shh, shh…” Urma softly pat my back as I began to wane in volume. “You aren’t that person anymore. You don't have to be afraid. Nothing bad ever has to happen again.”

I was treated like the most delicate diamond in her enormous paws. Urma’s coddling arms were gigantic silken pillows gently holding me up. Every time I tried to look at Urma, I was forced to surrender more tears. I couldn’t stand facing her, knowing what was out in the open. Like before, she lifted my face into her gaze. She was somber, but not disappointed or scorning. Her eyes held sympathy in tiny fragments, but waves of empathy battered me from within her stare.

 

“I… I’m sorry… please d-don’t…” I’m unsure of what I was trying to say, but she just hugged me once more.

 

“Nothing bad is going to happen Issac. I love you, Urving loves you, everyone thinks you’re just another human.” Her consoling words made me feel better in a shrinking way, but I was unwilling to open my collapsed heart. “No one will ask you to explain yourself and no one will ever punish you for what happened…” Each sentence, each breath used to console me is an utter waste, like myself.

Her lullaby was not working, but she was adamant about trying. Her soft voice and loving words were the only positive source I had, so I clung to it desperately. It was apparent now that she wanted to talk about this, why else would she have played that movie? Not wanting to though, I just wept… Each surrendered droplet of fear gave way to endless praise and jovial words. Her comments ranged from how handsome, to how strong, to how brave I am. None of that matters, this is nothing kind words can solve. Then she said something I will never forget…

 

“Nothing will ever change the way I feel about you Issac. Urving chose you… you’re his human cub and that makes me love you. Unconditionally.” Her words washed over me and I was forced to look at her.

 

Human cub… Those words rung in my head like a church bell. It reminded me of that old story, about the kid raised by wolves, who befriends a bear. I cant quite remember what it is called… In my minds eye, I was unable to escape the vibrant smile Urving would surely give me upon seeing me. Refocusing my gaze, I saw Urma giving the same soft hearted smile as usual. Quivering from restrained tears, I put my head against her and wept softer, less pained, and more accepting. What I did, cannot ever change… The circumstances however, have changed dramatically. I was afraid, I was threatened, and my actions depicted that. Never again will I have to steep myself in such darkness. Never again… please god, never again…

 

Grabbing a fistful of Urma’s fur, she sighed pleasantly, rocking me back and forth, continuing her soothing tune. Thought I was still weeping, still stuck in the deepest fathoms of sorrow, I was willing to understand. A part of me now understood this agony… What I did hurt my soul, but doesn't change who I am. That person, back then, that wasn't me. It was as if you took all of my personality and filtered it through pain, rage, confusion, and of course fear. Nothing can change the results of that culmination and that person died the day I was brought “home”. All I can do is move forward… All I can do is try and hope…

“I’m so sorry Issac.” Urma apologized and my eyes snapped to hers. “I hate what you had to go through and… no one else will apologize for it. So I will. I am so sorry.” The logic here wasn't exactly sound, but I appreciated it greatly.

 

“I… I can’t ever apologize… to Dalton. I’m so sorry Urma.” I bawled again, repeating how sorry I was over and over.

Without a word, she picked me up and brought me to my room. Sitting on my bed, she continued to bombard me with pleasant words. Being coddled in her lap, told how great I am, and shown ultimate understanding… The bible got it wrong, this is heaven. Her endless love and Urving unshakeable cheer will help me breed a new way of being. Hopefully, I can become a better Issac than I ever would’ve been on earth. I cannot kill myself, that wouldn't be fair to Dalton. I have to try and live for the both of us...

 

Life isn’t a fair game of equality and getting what you think is deserved… It is a struggle to understand what is happening around you and find your place in it all. A fight to predict and overcome the problems we all inevitably face, yet remain unchanged by the endeavor. An astronomically large ordeal was thrown in my lap and I had to face it unblinking and unafraid. Once the invasion occurred, I was reduced to an animal. The carnal version of the normal person I once was had to quickly shape himself to survive the new world. There wasn't a guide to follow, I didn't have a rulebook… I had to become a man on my own and while fighting for my life… my freedom. Unfortunately, being forced to grow blackened my heart and left me empty of all remorse. Only now, that I return to the safety of an inviting society, do I realize the horrors of my past actions. That was not me… Who I am now is entirely different…

 

Tears still wet my face, yet I had stopped crying several minutes ago. Urma gently kissed the top of my head and I leaned against her harder. What will the future hold for me? What kind of life am I shaping? Is the path I walk for the best or… What choice do I have? No one out there cares about me like Urving does. I can’t imagine anyone being as accepting and inviting as the posse of friends I recently met. No soul could possibly be as tender as Urma or as understanding as Ferris. A somber, emotional batch of tears welled up and I silently allowed them to roll down my face. I don't deserve this level of endearment, but I appreciate it unendingly. I will strive to be the best human cub imaginable! Urving will never be left wanting from me again. That is the only recourse I have left…

 

“Hello? Anyone here?” As if angels heard my thoughts, Urving’s came home just then.

 

Leaping up, I felt pieces of my heart trying to mend themselves to one another. Urma gave a pale chuckle at my excitement, but that was quickly behind me. Running to the door, he lifted me into a hug before I even realized we bumped into each other. Urving’s rising excitement matched my own ascension into his arms. The pressure from his hug squeezed out my few remaining tears, but I slyly wiped them on his shoulder. Just a few days ago, this would’ve terrified me, but now I wouldn't want to change it for the world. My only desire is to forget, but that isn’t possible, so I beg for something close to peace…

 

“Heya buddy, damn I missed you!” Urving lifted me away from him and when our eyes connected a smile formed without effort.

“Me too…” I said softly at first, but upon seeing his reaction I spoke stronger.

“You eat yet? Wanna go get something?” Urving asked and I was ready to say yes, regardless of my true desire.

 

“Creator help me…” Urma grumbled as she stepped into the hall. “You need to stop eating that crap!”

 

“Hey sis! Thanks again for looking after Iza!” Urving cheerily responded to her bitter comment.

 

“Th-thank you Urma.” I eyed her, both to predict her next move and beg her to keep quiet.

“Stop it you two, it was my pleasure. Now, I’m going to whip something up for you two, but promise me you’ll cut back on the junk food?” Urma implored her younger brother, who nodded excitedly.

 

“Knew if I said that, she’d cook for us!” Urving whispered with a conniving grin.

 

“I heard that…” Being a mother has probably attuned her hearing to whispers and backtalk.

 

Urving absently waved a paw her way, then addressed me. “How’d your day go?” I asked before he could.

“Great, what’a’bout you?” He set me down and took a knee, so we were face to face.

“Good. Good. A little slow in the morning, but can’t complain.” Carrying this basic conversation is taking every ounce of effort on my part.

 

“Awesome, great to hear! Let me get changed, be right back.” Once Urving shut his door, I sprinted to the kitchen.

Urma looked over to me, her radiant red eyes splitting my new found confidence like a twig. However, I stood and faced her without faltering or feeling broken. Without a word, I simply hugged her and she returned the favor. Thanking her as quietly as I could, my tears surfaced, but could not amass enough to spring forth. She assured me she wouldn't tell Urving about our conversation and repeated the relentless praise I refused to accept earlier. Just like that, as if it never happened at all, I returned to my façade of being “just another human”.

“So you said you needed help in the game? Wanna play?” Urving asked to no one, as he emerged from his room.

“Sure!” It was becoming easier to feel joy, but it was so muddled.

 

We had a seat on the couch and as he turned the TV on, I gasped softly. The movie was still paused, waiting to be finished. The image of the bloodied feline and fox, still at the mercy of abusive guards made me cringe. What a nice feature, it holds your place, but such a horrible image to be greeted with. Peeking up at Urving I saw flashed of discomfort, but when he looked down at me the same unstoppable smile appeared as always.

“A’ww, dude! You watched a movie with him, no fair!” Urving whined, but Urma just chuckled to herself. “This is a sad one too, man, you guys should’ve watched Papaya express or something!”

“That is such a dumb movie…” Urma shook her head and laughed again.

Is Urving entirely oblivious to all of this? Is he unaware of what she was trying to do? Maybe… maybe Urma just wanted me to see this film. Perhaps somehow or somewhere in the movie, I would find a deeper message. Within seconds that didn't matter, Urving had the game on and I was watching the light gauntlets form around my hands. This mystifying display of light and invisible forces briefly sealed my horrid thoughts away.

 

“Whoa, you’re in Bruussniik? This is an ancient wolfish city, one of the harder dungeon types.” Urving informed me, making me feel a little better about dying earlier.

 

We adventured through the decrepit tomb, full of bandits, giant spiders, and the occasional zombie. It was sort of disturbing, seeing zombified animals instead of human beings… It makes for an entirely new form of grotesque undead. A broken tailed jutted from ones back, while one was still partially furred, just decaying. Some had no lower jaw and some were missing all the skin on their skulls completely. It was an awful sight, but that just made me that much more willing to vanquish them. At one point I got bitten and Urving gave me a potion to remove zombie bacteria. Odd he just had that on hand, but his inventory is much larger than mine, so he has the room.

“Well boys, I gotta go. Dinner should be done in about half an hour.” Urma announced and the game paused instantly. “Iza, sweetheart, thank you for your company!” Urma knelt and awaited a hug.

“Thank you again.” I whispered as softly as I could, right by her ear.

 

She didn't respond verbally, but when I said this, her hug tightened. “Love ya both. Have a good night!” Standing up, she hugged her brother and winked at me.

“G’night Urma! Thanks again, drive safe!” Urving and I waved at the door, watching his sister depart.

“Hope to see you soon!” I cried, causing her to glance back and smile.

 

“Alright, let’s see what we got here!” Urving headed into the kitchen once the door shut.

 

He stooped over to peek in the oven, his nubby tail dancing with delight at what he found. Though I have no idea what it was, it smelled similar to stew or maybe meatloaf. When I asked, Urving was quick to inform me it was gabbach, the vegetable dish I had at the party. Remembering what it tasted like, I wasn't particularly excited, but I was hungrier than I had been allowing myself to realize. Crying is so tiring as well, I will probably be going to bed early tonight…

 

Urving and I cleared out the crumbling temple and were ready to leave in no time. It’s surprising this game is any fun to him at all, he kills almost all enemies one shot. Is it me? Do I make this fun for him? After this thought, I amplified my effort. Not just in the game either… I nudged him when good things happened and laughed aloud at what I found funny. Even though it was a mask I wore, it felt good to try. Urving deserves me to try for him… He’s done so much for me already and I have no other way to repay him or show appreciation.

 

The stinging sweet scent of spices began filling the household and Urving quickly went to fetch our dinner from the oven. He asked if I wanted to keep playing, but I declined, unsure of how to eat and play with these odd gloves at the same time… I am sure it can be done, just not in the mood for that right now. This was different from what I had at my party. Instead of a spread or a type of paste, this was thicker and more custard like. It made it easier to eat as a meal, but I didn’t like the texture nearly as much. Like this, it was gritty and bits were constantly getting stuck in my gnarly teeth. My teeth suffered the most while I was on the run, but that isn’t something I am willing to elaborate upon, not right now… I just started to feel better.

 

“Ya all full buddy?” Urving stood and reached for his bowl. “Lot’s more if your hungry!” He added once he was in the kitchen.

“No thanks, I couldn't eat another bite.” Patting my stomach made him dance a little, as he returned to the couch.

“Love hearing that! Awesome!” He ran a paw over my head, roughing up my hair.

 

After another bowl of gabbach, Urving and I continued playing. It was hard to focus, given what happened today and yesterday. Still, I managed to enjoy myself for brief, fleeting moments. We traveled along a river, defeating various monsters, animals, and marauders. It was nice… That feeling you get when you are unwilling to feel better, but the situation is unavoidably uplifting. Each time I did something right, kind words and praise were given without relent. Whenever I leveled up a “congratulations” or a “one step closer” was uttered just for me. Half of me didn't want this affection, but the other half ate it up like rare cuisine. I need this… It sounds weak or pitiful, but I wouldn't be able to function without his endless excitement.

 

“You tired bud? Your face is all droopy.” Snapping my eyes upward, his concerned stare warmed my frozen heart.

 

“Yeah actually…” I laughed off my waning effort, rubbing the back of my neck for comfort.

“Well go on bud, whenever you’re ready.” Urving pointed his nose toward my room, his voice was inviting, not demanding. “You don't gotta ask permission ya know?” He laughed a little at this.

“Thanks Urving. Sleep well when you do.” I stood up and stretched, the game gloves vanishing in sinewy strands of fading light. “Th-thank you… thanks for everything…” I stopped at the hall and said this, barely looking back.

“Not a problem Issac! Hope things are getting better for you… Sorry I’m not here so much…” Urving sounded defeated.

“It just makes seeing you more special.” I assured him, feeling guilt over his apology.

“Thank you! I cant imagine how hard this all has been on you… Thank you for trying.” He searched for these words, but I already had my next move planned.

Instead of speaking, I went over to hug as much of him as I could. His musty and rough fur was a total opposite to Urma’s fluffy form. Still, his friendly growls and returned hug was all I could of asked for in this moment. He nuzzled the top of my head, little sounds of happiness escaping him, but I was still on the verge of tears. Nothing in this new, bizarre world will ever be as inspiring as Urving. No one will ever hold my heart so easily like Urma. Not many will ever show as much understanding as Ferris. These few acquaintances I have made, will be the foundation for my new life. The support system I use to work through all the problems I will surely face. So long as I am treated this way, I should have no problem repairing my damaged soul. With this level of trust, love, and compassion, things should be easy… Each soul I have encountered is a reinforcement my soul can call upon, a fortification for my weakened resolve.

 

“Good night Iza! Sleep well bud!” Urving’s whispers still came out at a normal speaking volume.

“Thanks, you too man.” I called back, trying to imitate the happy growls he often produces.

 

A slight “aww” sound accompanied his departure and I smiled knowing he heard me. Peering through the darkness, I stared out the back window and at the stars above. For once, that shrinking, miniscule feeling was pleasant. It felt good to diminish myself and take in the majesty of the new night sky. I feel so insignificant, but right now… that isn’t a terrible feeling. Each star was like a human and no matter how hard I focused, I couldn’t pick “myself” out of the “crowd”. This analogy was just enough to help me feel better. It was like I wasn't alone, both as a human being and a new patron of Al Ur En. Many other humans have done unspeakable crimes, but at least I feel remorse. I’m not evil… I just got lost… I strayed from the path my parents instilled in me as a youth, but never again. No more pain will seep into my heart and no longer will fear rule me. Just before I went to bed, I peeked out to see Urving asleep on the couch. Little mattered beyond this growing friendship, as it was my gateway to a better and new life.

“Good night Urving.” I whispered before returning to bed. “Thank you…”