Reflection's on myself and life

A Story by OhThatOneGuy

Life, what’s the point of it all really? Learning; growing as a person? I’m sure this question is asked by many and you would get different opinions on the subject. What knowledge have I acquired on this subject so far at the young old age of 19? Well I can’t say I know the answer to why we are here, I’m sure we all have a purpose in one way or another even if we do not understand what that purpose is. Things that will help us on this journey are understanding ourselves first, then trying to figure out whatever else we may want the answers too. This story I am writing, it’s more about reflecting on what I have learned about myself recently, things that I pieced together to help me better understand why I am the person I am today. Now these reflections I have of myself, are simply the truth, it is what it is right? Probably something better to discus with a psychologist but writing helps me get emotions and feelings out so I will attempt to write about myself then reflect upon what I could do to better myself. Harsh truth time; One of my issues is for whatever reason I cannot seem to be happy on my own? I know what you’re thinking it’s something so simple you’d figure how can it be an issue? Is it psychological? Perhaps. Maybe it was the fact that I never had issues keeping girls around, so I was always able to have someone to talk to, someone there for me. When there was no one left, this alone feeling that I never had to deal with hit me hard. Relationship wise, this knowledge that I cannot for whatever reason be happy by myself causes me to hold on to things to tightly, give hope to something that is just not meant to be. This is probably because one needs to feel that if there is someone that sticks around in your life long enough it means they accept you flaws and all, helping you better accept yourself. People that have problems expressing their feelings, those are the ones that are the most complicated to deal with, seeing as hey you can’t manipulate them by making them feel a certain way, lie to them, no these people are a challenge. People who know how to manipulate others, people who are good with words, fast thinkers understand that they can get what they want from people with low self-esteem or some other issue they can exploit. Bad people right? Yeah I guess so, but hey if you got that quality I’m sure you’re not complaining just don’t abuse it right? Anyways, there’s some deep underlining issue that I can’t seem to figure out, you see me being a confident person I always tend to talk myself up or reassure myself that yeah you’re a good guy man, you’re not a bad person and so on. It wasn’t until only recently that I figured out I’m not as confident as I believe myself to be, because if I was I wouldn’t always have to remind myself that you’re a good person, that I’m all this and that, confident people don’t do that. I can’t be a good guy I mean, I judge others based on stupid things, I feel the need to surround myself around only certain type of people and why? I know, everything I do is a reflection on me, I judge others because I’m secretly judging myself, hell I envy them all, sure why not say that. It’s the easy explanation. But then again who doesn’t judge here? I surround myself around people who I believe will one day be successful because I feed of their energy, their confidence allows me to be confident and push myself to be what I aspire to be. I sure am glad that with all the issues I do have and recognize I am not the type of person that needs to be accepted by everyone because you can’t be friends with everyone right? Some people simply won’t like you and that’s life. Now after allowing myself to open up a little, to complete strangers I am not worried about what you think, I am glad that I was able to get some of this out in the open it feels good to let things out, it’s kind of like always having someone to talk to, someone you can confide in. Now as we get older we begin to understand a few things better that we didn’t catch at a younger age, there’s this old joke that says the older you get the more you realize you don’t really know much, just more questions. I believe experience helps us, you get to live and see things with your own eyes and that’s where your knowledge or opinioned advice may come from. Life, such an interesting thing. We all have a story; our story. It’s a shame people attempt to live their life’s with the aspiration of knowing it all, wanting to know the answers to every question but that is simply not possible. If we all die one day, shouldn’t we try living good lives, making good memories so that on that day we can go out knowing we may have made a few mistakes but the big picture was a good one. Now before I end this I just realized since I was a kid I’ve always wanted to help people, I wanted to be a doctor then FBI this feeling of wanting to make others better, make others happy was it because I always wanted someone to help me? Is this because I feel that I need help but don’t know how to ask for it so this is my own way of expressing myself. Just a thought that popped in my head, anyways this was good for me, thanks.