Thoughts of the unknown

A whole lot of unknown

                This all begins with my earliest recollection of playing with the Ouija board when I was 16 or 17 years old. When playing this board “game” I asked it several questions, questioning its authenticity believing it was all a joke that my friend was moving the board along trying to convince me it was real. After a while I begun to believe maybe this isn’t all just bs and asked at what age I was going to die, in which it responded at 19 years old. I asked it how I would die and could not figure out if it spelled out fight or flight but it was one or the other. Now after hearing this information It stuck with me but I could still not tell if it was a lie or not. I played with the board one last time with my younger brother, again the board said I would die at 19, I didn’t get to ask it how because me and my brother got spooked after we believed it was neither of us moving the piece and after that I have never touched one to date. Now this has stayed with me for two years, I am 19 at the moment and a few months away from my 20^th birthday and I think about the possibility of what might come in the foreseeable future. The thing is, I am not afraid of death, I believe that an experience that occurred a year ago at the age of 18 changed all that. So many possibilities of where I ended up and where I am at the moment could have been different but be it faith or luck something has kept me here at home for the time being which perhaps has allowed me to not be put in a bad situation. I know that once I turn 20 I will be able to put all this behind me but until then I would be lying if I said it did not cross my mind every single day and maybe it is all psychological but the one thing that keeps me cool is my belief in God and the belief that I have a greater purpose in life, something that I only started really believing a year ago when I believe I almost died. This part of my story I will be telling of an experience I went through while away from home, the first time I was at Texas State University. Now, when I had gotten there I had no friends, had just broken up with a girl that literally sent me into a small depression and had me all sorts of out of it. I came across a person who I believed to be a good friend and even to this day would say was an overall good guy, well to help me get over my slump I started hanging out with him most of the time, partying doing stupid things just to keep my mind off of this girl who I realize now gave way to much power to, I mean she’s just a chick after all and I’ve had my fair share, learning experience I suppose. Anyways, one day before a fraternity party I take part in doing some mary jane, white girl, and shrooms all at once my first time. Now this is where the story gets interesting, I get separated from my friend and as soon as everything begins to kick in I regret it and begin to feel scared, causing me to just close my eyes and attempt to think good thoughts. I keep thinking about my mom, but nothing seems to keep me cool until this little voice comes out of nowhere at the time I believed it to be my friend looking over me talking me down but later found out it wasn’t him, I believe it was my soul or something in me communicating with me, it was a guy he just kept telling me it’s going to be okay buddy, it’s all going to be okay you just need to calm down. After a bit of crying something I believe is called ego death occurred to me which pretty much was me staring at a reflection of myself and this thing or image of me was tearing into me telling me I was a bad person, it showed me the real me I suppose what I try to hide, or maybe what people really see me as, and it crushed me. I felt like a horrible person while this thing yelled at me and told me how bad a person I truly was, I believed it and just gave in. I cannot recall when or why but after this image of me stopped talking it was as if I was alone, there was just darkness all around me and I was not scared, just sad I felt so alone. This is when the voice came back to me, he started telling me, buddy I’m here for you, you’re not alone it’s going to be okay I promise, remember your mom? Yeah you remember your mom you really do love her, and your family it’s all you were talking about with me, they care about you, you know that right? There begun to be light and I didn’t feel alone anymore this thing whether it was my soul or guardian angel begun to lift my spirits I was calm now, we kept talking. I swear it on my life, this is the part where this voice told me “hey, someone’s here to talk to you” and it was as if this person was in my head or something talking directly to me, now this person started saying “Angel, bro what happened? This isn’t you man, you got to get out of this” although I was happy to hear the familiar voice this is when I began thinking maybe I was in a coma or something and I could just hear these people, but it wasn’t a coma. This old friend told me someone was here, she came all the way from Austin just to see me, and again it was as if this person was in me somehow, her energy was flowing through me, it was this girl I had been in love with forever, now these people I had only heard them, I could not see them because it was as if my eyes were closed that’s why I thought I was in a coma or something. Well, this girl we will call her Steph because I mean who cares it was her, she said “Angel?” and that’s when I remembered her name and was super excited I said Stephanie? She said yeah it’s me, what have you gotten yourself into? At this moment I was in euphoria I had pure happiness, I could not believe what was going on, I didn’t understand it but I was glad I had familiar people around me, voices that I recognized I wasn’t alone but my eyes were still closed, I could only hear them. This is when she kissed me, and I swear I could feel her on my lips, this caused me to open my eyes and when I did I was sitting in the middle of some rocks or dirt near the apartment complex I had wondered off while drugged up. Now, I could not really move I was just sitting there, and all around me in a circle I saw my family, people that must have made a big impact on my life old friends, now I didn’t understand why they were all there and why I was the center of attention. They seemed happy that I was up, but when I asked them what they were all doing there they kind of stayed quiet and looked sad, this is when I started to realize oh no, I’m about to die, this is my funeral or something bad. At this moment I was sad, I started crying again not because I was scared, but because I felt as if I had failed my family, I said sorry to my brothers for not going to be able to be there for them, I said sorry to my mom for the pain I knew she was going to go through once they found me, said sorry to my dad for my mess up, and then I accepted it, own up to your mistakes, something I had trouble doing before, but now was about to make that ultimate stand. It was at this moment when I started seeing something covering me, dirt I believe when a bright white light appeared behind me, it was truly blinding, I knew it’s time to go, this is when I pleaded it’s not time yet, you can’t let me die like this, I can’t die yet. Right then something happened that I had always heard people say that I never believed, my life did flash before my eyes it went by so fast, couldn’t have been more than a few seconds but in those seconds I saw all the highlights, all the good memories in such great detail then I heard this voice in the light. I said and I quote because I know I used these types of words in the mere excitement of it all “am I f*****g talking to god?” The person behind the blinding light simply said yes, I could not believe it I asked him what was going to happen next. He said, you know what you did here tonight, was bad, you see the consequences of it all, I said yes and that I was sorry. This is when the deity told me that I would be getting a second chance; I was relieved I was shown mercy. I was also told something that has stuck with me; he gave me some advice on a subject that if you knew me you’d know is very dear to me. I tend to prioritize badly, chase after girls and give them more time than they deserve, but it is with the belief that one day I will find that perfect girl and we will live happily together. Now if this was God, he would have already known this and that is why what happened next is so funny, he told me and I remember this perfectly “no matter how powerful one is, there will always be that someone that brings you down to your knees.” And he showed me this beautiful women, and me on my knee with a ring out he showed me my proposal which was so corny that I could not believe it but I was in pure happiness at this moment. Now I cannot remember the woman’s face due to the blinding light behind her but I know he showed me her, even told me her name but those two important details I cannot for the life of me remember. He gave me another nugget of wisdom, he told me that I was going to become something really important, this is when I looked all around me and saw my family and friends again in a circle around me, almost looking like spirits, and I looked down where I was sitting and saw all these faces looking up at me with admiration, there must have been a million different people looking up to me, this is when I felt I am going to do something great with my life, I’ve been given a second chance. Now it wasn’t all good feelings and happiness, I was told that I would have to go through a lot of heartache, a lot of suffering before I attained the good life but that I would pull through. Now he also told me the hardest part about it all? It was going to be that he gave me all this information with the knowledge that some of the most important details that I wanted the answers too, would be wiped clean from my memory, he would only allow me to remember certain things, like what I am writing now, this would be the hardest part of it all because imagine getting shown your future, getting answers to questions you’ve always wanted to know then forgetting it all in a flash of a second. We concluded our little talk with him telling me, “now to remind you that this was a bad idea, this is going to hurt.” At this moment the voice left and I heard from all my family and friends them chanting you have to wake up, you have to open your eyes NOW! At that very moment I was awake alive again whatever you want to call it thanks to a jolt of an officers lovely Taser, which hurt and which later explained the whole this is going to hurt thing, I definitely didn’t forget that and have since stayed away from all those bad things I use to do. Now if anything I know this all sounds crazy and most won’t believe it, and that is fine this is really just something I am writing because I don’t want to forget the experience or what I learned from it all.  A little bit of background information on me, I have always been a catholic, I may not be the best one but I believe in God, I had since before that incident and like to think I’m not the worst person, not the best but don’t really consider myself a bad guy. Now some people may have changed their lives after such an incident, I mean hey God talks to you it changes you right? But no I did not become god fearing, I did not begin attending church I just stopped doing drugs and staying away from bad situations that could cause me harm. The reason I decided not to really change my life too much was because I felt that if God helped me then, someone who as I stated did break a few commandments, he must be able to see that I am a good person. I was relieved that after that experience it was a white light that appeared to me, not some demon or fire red, I did not bargain for my life I simply said it was not my time to go then, and it must have not been since I am still here at the moment. I have attempted to be a better person since then, but it’s still a work in progress. So was this all I would do after this experience? No, I decided to do a little research concerning the afterlife and just trying to get information to what had happened to me. Now, this is where I came across something that really made me think, it all started after I read something called the egg, now in this story it is said that a man dies, talks to god, and god informs him that the world was made with only this one person and that everyone in the world is just him reincarnated into another version of himself without his knowledge. This was interesting to me because it started making things such as the 10 commandments make more sense, the idea that you shall not murder pretty much summing them all up is you should not do bad against anyone. Now why would you not want to do bad to anyone? Why would you not want to kill anyone? Wouldn’t the idea that, that is you just another version of you make it all make sense, because it would be as if you were just killing yourself in another life without really knowing it. Just an interesting idea I guess, I came to the conclusion that one of three things happen when you die, you either go to heaven or hell, you get reincarnated into another life, or dmt is let out into your brain and you go into a deep dreamlike state that you never wake up from, personally I’m rooting for heaven since I think my chances of making it there are good, but I could live with any of the options. Now, after accepting the fact that no one is immortal no matter how much money you have or whatever, everyone dies it’s easier to accept. Now I do have this fascination with death in the sense that part of me wants to know what happens after someone dies because no matter what bs you read or what people tell you I do not believe that anyone knows what happens after someone passes because there’s no way to communicate with them. Now my Ouija board story contradicts this, but then again we don’t know if this was true or me just subconsciously moving the piece without knowing it. So with the research I had conducted on this topic I concluded that there may just be a reason I am still here, only a few more months to see if anything happens, I will be relieved if I get to see my 20^th birthday. Now, something else has stuck in my mind, it’s this idea of whether we have a choice in anything we do or if everything we do is somehow predetermined and we are just on a path of destiny. This is important to me because if everything we do we are destined to do, and can’t change the faith of some outcome no matter what we do there is no point in fighting it. I try to be a good person, and as I said I do not fear death but I’m not going out looking for it, or putting myself in harm’s way like some fool. Doing good, it’s a way of making yourself feel better about some underlining issue, perhaps believing that good will come out of it but I’m not so sure that’s how it works. Now this idea that popped into my head recently was that our lives seem so sheltered, so recurring. The idea of lucid dreaming is being in a conscious state of mind, awake within ones dream and allowing yourself to do things you could not due in this “real” life world of ours, we have no limitations. The idea that we are awake now is hard to prove because what if this isn’t real? What if this is just a strong concentrated lucid dream that we are not awake from. This idea may seem crazy because people are born into this world every day, everything feels so real but what is to say that once we die we are not truly born or brought to the real reality? I guess it’s just a thought I was thinking about, something no one can answer because again, no one knows what happens once a person dies. I’m realizing a lot about myself as time passes, since I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor, help people, then the FBI take down bad guys you know? And now it’s a lawyer who aspires to turn into a politician, I believe I will be able to help people in some way with this carrier path but deep down I know I also crave fame, maybe just recognition just so that I could tell people who didn’t believe in me look at me now, look at what I’ve accomplished. Recognizing that I am not a saint, but a good enough person to have gotten a second chance, I try to live my life different, be a better person so that on judgment day whatever happens, is hopefully a good outcome but I guess we will see what happens, I will continue updating this as time passes, significant life changing moments and such, talk later.