Ghost Ship

"I have no heart. I feel no joy, not sorrow. I am... Hollow" -Dracula, Van Helsing

I'm sorry. I know I said I want to be friends but honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared I'll come running back to you. Nowhere in my mind do I think "Oh yeah, I can just GO BACK to her. "
I just want someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay. For someone to be a rock in my life that I can hold onto, both literally, and metaphorically. Because running is so easy. I just want to keep running from everything and everyone so that no one is left to let me down and disappoint me. I'm adrift in an ocean of loneliness and sadness and tears and pain and I keep clinging to all the logs that float my way, but eventually, it's my own weight that leads them to sink.
Sometimes I'm left wondering if I ever want those logs to stay afloat; if I want to stay afloat. Because running, sinking, letting go, it's all too easy. I have not the strength to keep kicking, to keep breathing. I'm too broken by myself. I spend every moment looking for that strength in other people. Someone else who's castaway, looking for a log. In my frailty, in my fear, in my depression, I climb aboard any lifeline that passes me by, unwittingly and willingly bringing it down with me.
I want to be someone's buoy, but usually I myself go under if I realize they cannot hold me and all my baggage above the wake. The wake of this awful, painful, wave that reaks so strongly of my death and failure.
I want to be hated for all the things that I am, and loved for all the things I wish I was. I want to be understood despite all of my broken pieces, and to be loved for the amount of love this poor soul manages to muster.
If you hate me, you'll hold me, because you're just as afraid as I am of who I truly am, underneath all these masks and fake emotions.
If you love me, you'll let me go, because you know that I am truly dead weight, looking for another life to sink to my level.
If you hate me, you'll love me. If you love me, then you better hate me, because I am the ghost ship, I am the will-o-wisp that leads all souls to their doom